The issues with my ex-part two

Okay, people, here is part two!  This will probably end up being less of a rant and more of an explanation of my current situation.  Exacerbating Ex and I both have drug problems.  I am a recovering addict.  I have no idea about her.  She stole medications from her elderly neighbor with heart problems back in August and then said I was the one who stole them.  Exacerbating Ex of course did not tell me she did this, she simply stole the pills and forced me to pack up my stuff and had her ex-fiancee drop me off at my mother’s.  I was hurt and confused about what was going on.  When Okaasan told me that Exacerbating Ex was saying that I stole medications from a dude with heart problems, I called Exacerbating Ex and fucking let her have it.  I even called her a cunt.

I did not reach out to her once since then.  I went through a really dark phase for about a month.  Eventually, I got out of that slump.  I quit drinking, I quit doing drugs.  I quit smoking back in November 2015.  I’m doing D.B.T. and going to church despite not being christian and generally my life has gotten so much better without her.  At the beginning of the year, Exacerbating Ex called me at 2 or 3 in the morning several times until I picked up.  She pretended to be doing the program (A.A) and said she was calling to make amends or apologize.  I told her I forgave her but I couldn’t see us being friends, but maybe we could get together for a coffee or something to talk.  In my mind, I was seeing an opportunity to get the rest of my stuff.  In her mind, she was attempting to manipulate me into saying something discriminating or out of context for a reason I can’t comprehend.

Readers of mine, I have to remind you at this point that I tend to think the best of people.  I am not a good liar, therefore I make it a habit not to lie.  It doesn’t even occur to me to tell falsehoods most of the time.  I do not like misleading people.  I also don’t manipulate people or distort reality to fit my own perception and wants.  This may be because of the way Oniisan raised me, or it may be because Autism, but that is simply how I am.  If I do tell a falsehood or a lie, I feel a gross yuckiness inside me.  I’m also painfully inept at reading people.  I will ask blunt questions and I ask that people be blunt with me.  I will do my best to please you and do whatever you ask me to.  Something I’m working on therapy is saying no and not feeling like I have to do bad things to get people to like me.

Now, if someone were to ask you to steal for them, would you do it?  Probably not, right?  If someone told you to have sex with them and you didn’t want to, you’d tell them off.  And if someone asked you to dig up an old email with a death threat from an ex-friend of yours?  I have no idea what you’d do on that last one, but it would take very little convincing to get me to do something for you.  All it would take is a small smile and a please and saying that me doing this for you would mean the world.  I may be fucking retarded on these points.

Exacerbating Ex knew how to manipulate and extort me.  She has been diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder and I’ve recently learned that a lot of autists get misdiagnosed with BPD because of the overlapping symptoms.  The main difference, however, is that autistic people tend to not manipulate.  Not saying they never do, I’m just stating that leading someone on purposely is not something we autists do often.  Most of us just can’t comprehend doing such a thing.  So when Exacerbating Ex told me that we could totally be friends again if I just did her this one little favor, I believed her.  Again, probably because I’m retarded.  When I failed to find the email she wanted, she went off on me.  She started cursing at me, calling me a liar, saying all these mean and hurtful things.  It confused me.  And it pissed me off.  I hung up on her and blocked her.  She emailed me several times.  I blocked all emails from her because they were harassing and I was starting to feel unsafe.  I feared for my safety in that she had a history of getting violent with me when I didn’t do as she asked.

If you are wondering why I didn’t get a restraining order, it’s because I didn’t want to deal with the he said/she said thing in court.  This woman had convinced me that I was worthless and stupid and she had convinced everyone else that I was a liar and a thief and an attention seeking drug addict.  Add the fact that I’m a vulnerable adult because of my people pleasing behavior and child-like innocence at times, I was afraid of going to court.  I was afraid of having to face her and hear her say all these mean and hurtful untrue things.  I still am.

If you fast-forward to this last Monday night, Exacerbating Ex attempted to call me twice.  I rejected her both times and blocked her number again.  I felt highly anxious and decided to just go to bed.  I thought she had been drinking or doing drugs and attempting to contact me because she gets some sort of weird pleasure torturing people with her words.  When I woke up and checked my email, I saw that she had emailed me in what appeared to be a rambling nonsense of more false accusations against me, referring to me in the third person.  I took screenshots of the email on my phone because I couldn’t access the email on my computer.  I then sent them to one of my friends and left messages for my case manager and my godmother informing them of the situation.  I told Okaasan what was said.  I was hurt and I was anxious and afraid that I was going to get arrested and have to go to court because she was accusing me of drugging her, getting her drunk, and raping her.

After everyone managed to calm me down and I realized that the cops were in fact NOT rushing to break down my door and haul me off to the clink,  I tried going into my email again.  The email from Exacerbating Ex was gone.  Along with all my other emails for the last week.  I let that be and thought that maybe I was imagining things.  I do tend to have a lot of nightmares, maybe this was another one?  Kuma-chan said no, because Kuma-chan had screenshots of the email.  It was then that I realized that Exacerbating Ex had somehow hacked into my email.  I let [Email Provider] know that I had been hacked and they recovered the lost emails.    There was no outgoing mail from my address, so I can at least rest easy knowing that she hadn’t pretended to be me and emailed herself hateful things like she has me.

For right now, I am keeping logs of any interactions or attempts at contact regarding Exacerbating Ex and my case worker is going to be assisting me in talking to legal aid next week.  This is harassment, this is emotional damage to a vulnerable adult, and this is something I should have dealt with a long time ago.  Exacerbating Ex has abused me for far too long and I have been allowing her to continue her abuse despite not having contact with her by keeping quiet.  Mr. Oinkers says it’s okay to be vulnerable, and  Brenee Brown says that if you go into a situation being authentic, you will not feel shame.  Nervous and anxious perhaps, but not shame.

This is me letting go of the shame.  It is not my fault.  It is not something that can define me anymore.  This is my authenticity.

Much gratitude,

The Sarcastic Autist

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