Hello, my hopefully human readers! For today’s post, I will be writing what Mr. Oinkers says about Authenticity and why I believe Authenticity is Key to living what my therapist calls “A Life Worth Living”. Before I dive into the philosophy that is Authenticity (see how I capitalize that word? That means it’s super duper important) I feel like I need to do a quick background on what “A Life Worth Living” means. I’ve got to level with you, I have no fucking clue. For the last week, I’ve began the Mr. Oinkers Theory, started this blog, hopefully made correct choices on the whole thing with my ex, and made ‘Authenticity is Key’ my personal mantra. Delving into the philosophy of “A Life Worth Living” is something that just hasn’t come up. Currently, I’m just pretending that it’s something that will make me less likely to down a few hundred pills and just die. Anyway, I digress.
“But Sarcastic Autist-sama,” you say. “What does Authenticity even mean?” Well, according to the dictionary, it means to be authentic, which didn’t really help me understand it either. However, a synonym for it is ‘genuineness’ so by using my amazing autism super powers, I deduced that Authenticity is the act of being honest without using Elven techniques. You say what the truth is and you act according to your own values and morals. I’ve been reading a book by Brene Brown about letting go of imperfection or something, and Authenticity is something that came up a lot during the first ‘guidepost’. She calls Authenticity a practice, something you have to consciously strive for. And Mr. Oinkers agrees.
All week, whenever I had to tell someone something I felt shameful about or that made me feel less than awesome, I reminded myself that the goal was to be open and honest and to lay down the facts as it pertains to my paradigm. Surprisingly enough, for me, instead of feeling that icky gross feeling of shame or that I was ‘bad’, I was able to walk away from the conversations and situations feeling a sense of pride that I previously hadn’t realized was possible for me to attain. I think it’s because I was trying to tell my truth and not trying to do that dreaded people pleasing thing I tend to do. This has drastically improved my sense of self-worth as well.
So, what is Authenticity? For me, Authenticity is being as open and honest as possible. It’s not hiding who I am. It’s not pretending to be someone I am not. It’s not escaping through cutting, purging, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, restricting. It’s letting go of judgements about myself. It’s freeing myself from the cage of others’ goals for me. I am my own person. I have my own taste of music, taste of fashion, my own set of morals. I like to wave my hands like a little spaz when I’m full of emotions. I like to bounce up and down on my tippy toes when I’m excited. Authenticity is allowing myself to dance in the store and waving to strangers and not apologizing for being me. Authenticity is telling my mum that I had sexual relations with a woman who is over 10 years my senior. Authenticity is telling my therapist that I’m a rape survivor. Authenticity is telling people that no, they may not touch me because I fucking hate being touched so fucking much.
Authenticity is me saying I don’t understand when someone tries to explain an emotional reaction to me and not feeling ashamed. If I don’t know something, that’s okay. Because sometimes being an Authentic Autist means not knowing something. My therapist says that ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’ and that’s true. I don’t know what I don’t know. I can’t help that. There’s no shame in asking for clarification. I’d rather be Authentic and say “hey, my friend, I do not understand why you called Suzie a flying twat waffle because she started dating your ex-partner” than just smile that confused smile I have and feel shame for being unaware of the social reasoning behind calling anyone a flying twat waffle. Authenticity is key for letting go of shame. Yeah, sure, being Authentic may mean that sometimes I have to be vulnerable. But Mr. Oinkers says that being vulnerable is just part of life and that you can’t be Authentic without having some vulnerability thrown in.
For example of vulnerability in regards to Authenticity, I am an abuse survivor. My most previous relationship with Exacerbating Ex was just riddled with her abusive tendencies. I would always tell people that no, I was indeed fine and the fact that I have a black eye is because I am so clumsy that I do indeed walk into door knobs. I am clumsy enough that I have done that before. However, if I was being Authentic, I would have said no, I have a black eye because I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing or felt the wrong thing and was being ‘corrected’ for it. I might have been able to get out of that relationship sooner if I had let myself be vulnerable and admit that I felt I was being punished for being a stupid twat waffle. If I was being Authentic in that vulnerability, others would have said that no, I had a black eye because Exacerbating Ex was a flying twat waffle, not because I was. My Authenticity does not mean that what I think of truth is actually truth or reality, but it does mean that my Authenticity is being open about what my truth and reality is. If I can be Authentic in that, if I can allow myself to be vulnerable, I can see the rainbows in the rain, instead of the destruction of the storm.
If I can be Authentic, it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be a total spaz and jump up and down because I just saw the most adorable Pikachu plushie. It’s okay to want to be a blanket burrito when I’m over-stimulated. It’s okay to not want to be touched. It’s okay to be me.
Much blow-a-kiss face,
The Sarcastic Autist