Greetings, my friends. How are you today? I am exhausted. Last night, there was a thunderstorm and the power kept going out. I’m scared of the dark and only had a poor flashlight and the screens of various electronic devices to keep the darkness at bay. It was shit. Then today, it was so fucking humid that I had to use my inhaler first thing. I thought rain was supposed to get rid of the humidity. I feel like I’m living in a terrible rainforest. At least give me some cute and poisonous animals to look at while I’m dying of hot and heavy air. My various heathen gods, it just got worse from there.
I haven’t been able to get into the right headspace to start any semblance of a paper for my therapist. I am so bored and disinterested with my Pokemon game. I’m still freaking out about Exacerbating Ex and this dude at my therapist’s office yesterday hit on me and wanted my number and got way too close to me. I’ve been developing a terrible rash between my boobs and on my ankle and the heat is causing little blisters to pop up on my hands that itch as though Satan himself put them there. I was supposed to start psych testing again next week, because I need to get tested every few years for some reason , but the dude, Argon, is unavailable because he’s being a penis-butt-face monster. My mother is being an intolerable person again and my cat won’t shut the fuck up.
On top of which, I’m also supposed to meet with my case manager tomorrow to talk about getting a restraining order against Exacerbating Ex, which is a can of worms I don’t want to open because I hate attending court. The scale says I gained 3 pounds seemingly overnight, I’m not seeing my therapist for 2 weeks because Monday is a holiday and I can’t see her on a day that isn’t a Monday because it discombobulates me in such a severe fashion that I’m rendered practically non-functioning for several days.
But right now, I have my headphones in and I’m listening to music. Right now, I’m breathing in through my nose and breathing out through my mouth. Right now, even as I’m typing to you, even as I take a sip of water because I’m thirsty, even as I rub my legs and rock back and forth slightly. Right now, all that exists is this moment. That dude yesterday that was creepy as fuck? That was then. This is the Now. In the Now I’m in my room smiling to my funny song.
Tomorrow is the first day of break from Bible Study for the summer. It’s a change in my routine and I don’t like change. But that’s tomorrow. In the Now, I flap my hand and smile and rub my hair. In the Now, I can choose whether or not I worry about the yesterdays that I can’t change and the tomorrows that I can’t control. In the Now, I can choose to smile or to frown or to laugh or to cry. In the Now, I just burped and it tasted like Hot Pockets and water.
In the Now, I’m kind of itchy from that rash, but I’m choosing not to scratch. Because the Now is all that exists. The importance of taking some time and just bringing myself to the Now instead of getting anxiety over the Before or the After is one of the number one things I actually really suck at doing. I have a confession to make, dear reader. I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist.
I’m the kind of person who will plan an event weeks or even months ahead of time and want to show up at least 15 minutes early or it’s considered being late. I’m the kind of person who likes having a battle plan when going to the store. I ruminate on things I should have done in the past. I rethink situations where I feel like I acted totally moronically. I constantly berate myself for perceived mistakes of the past and I set unrealistic goals for the future. I hardly ever give myself time to enjoy the Now.
My therapist has this saying and she draws a nifty representation for it too, that the Now is the only thing we have control over because we can’t change the Past and we don’t know the Future. The Now is a gift and that’s why it’s called the Present. It’s just really hard to stop and take a breath and remember that I only exist in the Now. I want to be a better and more perfect person to please everyone else. I want to already have a job, be able to have kids, maybe not be the most fabulously gay lesbian ever. I hate that I failed out of college because I got too stressed out and the lack of structure and outside assistance didn’t really help that situation. I hate that I say really cringey things and that I stuttered that one time or that other time I spazzed out at a concert and made my ex and mother leave early with me.
Breathe in, breathe out. Sing along to my song. I’m in the Now. I can’t change the past. I don’t know the future.
Breathe in through my nose, hold for a a measure in my song. Breathe out through my mouth, sing along with the next track. Smile because I feel content. I am in the Now. I can’t change that I just spilled water on my cleavage. I don’t know if the next track is one I actually like because my iTunes is on shuffle.
Breathe in through my nose. Breathe out through my mouth. All I am is Now. I cannot change the past. I don’t know the future.
Breathe in through my nose. I do like this track. Breathe out through my mouth. The Future is Present and the Present is the Past. Life goes on. This is a Life Worth Living. A Life in the Now.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I am not defined by what will be and I am not anchored to my past. Breathe in. Breathe out. I am defined only by what I do in this moment.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I can’t change the hot pocket I ate. Breathe in. I’m not eating more in the Now. Breathe out. I don’t know if I’ll purge it later. Breathe in. I am the Now. Breathe out. I am okay.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I exist only in the Now. In this moment, I am happy. In this moment, I am not my past mistakes, I am not my future ambitions. In this moment, I am nothing more than me. In this moment, I am free.
The Sarcastic Autist