Body Dysmorphia Revelations

Hey, yeah, this is just something that is seriously bothering the fuck out of me right now.  So, as most of you probably know by now, I have an eating disorder.  It’s EDNOS or whatever the fuck it’s called now.  I restrict and I purge and rarely do I binge and if I do it’s never more than maintenance because fuck gaining weight, right?  I’m not gonna lie, I got really fucking fat.  Like,nearly 300 pounds morbidly obese fat.  I’m now 177.6 as of my scale when I got home from group today because I obsessively weigh myself like the fucking weirdo that I am.  I’m still overweight according to BMI and I know I can lose at least 20 more pounds, preferably 30.

I never really stopped seeing myself as that fat fuck who got high and drunk all the time and was abused on an almost daily basis by a chick who claimed it was my fault.  Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.  She’s just a bad person who needs some serious psychiatric intervention.  But back to me: I’ve lost this weight by obsessively counting calories, eating less than 1000 calories most days and throwing up anything extra the rest.  I exercise even if it’s bad for my ankle or my asthma.   Fuck, I lost 180 pounds just by dumping Exacerbating Ex.  (that’s a joke, for the record)

Every time I’ve looked in the mirror, every time I saw a picture of myself, all I saw was that fat piece of shit who didn’t deserve anything special or nice.  Even though I was getting random guys hitting on me.  Even though people kept saying they didn’t recognise me and that I’d lost so much weight and how did I do it?  Even though I’ve gone from a 26 to a 12-14, all I saw was a fat useless girl.  All I was was a fat fuck.

And then today, skyping with Kuma-chan, I don’t know what happened, but there was a sudden shift in how I saw myself.  I literally couldn’t recognise myself.   I was staring at a stranger in the corner of my screen.  If I saw myself on the street, I’m not gonna lie, I’d want to tap that.  I’ve gotten that much more desirable in my own eyes.  And that scares me.

I need to be fat.  I need that undesirable physical repulsiveness to fuel my desire to be thin, to be pretty, to at least fucking appear normal and in control.  If I’m no longer fat, then I’m not on a diet, I’m having a pretty big fucking problem with an eating disorder.  If I’m not fat, then there’s just something wrong with me.  Being fat at least somehow justified not eating every day.  Being fat justified throwing up and exercising and cutting out carbs and salty foods. Being fat justified hating myself because who would love a fat Autistic chick?

Seeing myself as a fat, ugly, spazz and pathetic excuse for a humanoid being let me stay in a delusional state just to fuel a compulsive need to be desirable, to have some sort of control over my life.  I feel like I’ve been lying to myself, and I have been.  I feel reality crashing down on me.  If I’m not fat, if I’m not that pathetic loser and attention seeking liar that my ex said I was.. Who am I?  It’s terrifying.  I am terrified right now.  I mean, on a scale from 1-10, I’m a level 100 Charizard going full Rambo on a level 1 Caterpie kind of scared.

What even caused this sudden shift of paradigm?  I was just joking around with Kuma-chan about Autism, Sheldon Cooper, and shit my therapist says.  Now I’m having an existential crisis or something because holy fuck, how long have I looked like this?  How long have I been a solid 7/8 on a 10 scale?  How long have I been so delusional?

Jesus Christ, it was only the beginning of April that I managed to be Willful enough to drop out of the eating disorder program.   I was told I could always go back within 6 months, but I’m really ashamed of myself right now.  I thought everyone was lying to me.  I was so stuck in my delusion of fatness that I made everyone else to be liars in my own mind.  I don’t know what I should do.  I know I can’t just do regular therapy for it either, because I have no idea how to even start having a healthy relationship with food.

I hate this, guys.  I feel so lost and ashamed and I don’t know what to do.  I don’t understand this.  I don’t like it.  And like any revelation, I can’t unsee this.  Maybe when I wake up in the morning I’ll be back to being able to call myself a fat-ass without feeling like a liar.  I want to go back to feeling in control of myself and what I eat.

I just got out of an abusive relationship.  I thought I was in control of myself for once.  But yet another thing is controlling me.  When will I be the one choosing what I do or don’t do?

When will I stop being such a fuck up and be normal?

When will I learn to love myself?

-The Sarcastic Autist

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