Autism Vs Attention Seeking

Bonjour,  mes amies.  I just wanted to say a quick thank you for 15 follows!  And over 50 likes!  Jeepers, I never expected any attention for this.  It’s just a way for me to write down my thoughts and shit, kind of like a diary, except that I also hope that maybe someone out there can relate and maybe feel less alone.  Or, you know I am at least entertaining to you.  Also, a quick announcement: If I can figure out how to do it, I’m going to start a podcast or something to post on Saturdays and I’m going to call it my Sarcastic Chaturdays.  Get it?  Like, play on words?  Okay, whatever, I thought it was witty.

So, what’s up with people thinking that just because I wear a cool pokemon jacket or cut my hair, I’m looking for attention?  I do this shit for me.   When I was younger, I was told that my cutting was a cry for help and attention.  That confuses me.  I mean, if I wanted attention, there’s so many better ways to do it.  The scars on my body from my cutting are because cutting relieved pressure.  When I get too emotional or when a single emotion bubbles and boils and starts to overflow, apparently banging my head against the wall and making blehping noises is not very okay with society.  I get less weird looks for my scars than I do for my spazzes and I just feel like there’s something very wrong with that.

There’s just so many instances of people telling me that I do things for attention.  If I decide that I want to cut my hair short, it’s apparently for attention, not because I enjoy short hair.  If I tell people I’m in Recovery, it’s because I want attention, not because I’m socially inept at knowing what I should and should not share with random people.  And when I cut or purge, it’s for attention, even if I don’t tell anyone until days, weeks, months have passed and it’s just a passing blurb in conversation.  My hair colour is for attention.  My clothes are for attention.  The things I say and the things I do.  According to a vast majority of people, it’s for attention.  And it kind of pisses me off.

What makes other people think that they are so fucking special that I need to slice my skin open to get them to notice me?   I know I’m not the best at communicating emotions, but seriously?  Anything I do to me, I do for me, not for you.  I’m sorry to burst your little egotistical bubble, but I am really self-centered and therefore, I’m not going to injure myself to get Senpai to notice me.  Senpai can get the fuck over his or her self and realize that my world revolves around me.  I’m kind of laughing at that, because oh my various heathen gods, that’s kind of ironic to say, but it’s also so very, very true.

My brand of Autism makes it hard for me to realize that other people are their own person, not just NPC’s in my world.  That’s a huge reason why it’s an issue for me to see people outside where I think they are supposed to be.  I also just assume people are going to know all the things I know.  I mean, if I can figure it out, why can’t you?  Because I have Autism, and you have whatever the fuck is going on with you.  That’s why.  And that’s why I think it’s ridiculous that people think I do things for attention.

Mostly, with this whole randomly accusing me of being attention seeking thing, it pisses me off and confuses me.  I’m told that my feelings are my own and that I’m the only one that can control what I do, but then someone comes along and says ‘no, you do this because you are an attention seeking’.  It’s frustrating, I guess.  I think I know my reasons behind my actions a little bit better than some rando off the street.  I play with my Chaz the Spaz toy because I want to.  It’s calming for me to feel every feature and to spin the wheels.  I don’t play with Chaz the Spaz toy because I think you’d notice me playing with it and go ‘oh golly gee whiz, that girl sure is weird and obviously an attention whore’.  Fuck that noise.

Just because I do things that aren’t considered ‘normal’, that doesn’t mean that I’m doing it to get Senpai to notice me.  Senpai is going to notice me for my Awesomeness, not the shit I hide in the cupboard because Jesus tapdancing Christ. Just what the fuck.  I can’t help my spazzing and I don’t do my spazzing for attention.  Yeah, I consider cutting myself a spaz, and it’s not something I really do much anymore because I’d rather just do my normal spaz of hitting my head or playing with Chaz the Spaz toy.  I jump up and down when I’m happy like a kid on crack, I flutter my fingers and flap my hands and clap and blehp and mlep and meep and hum and snarl and growl and do all that fun spaz shit for me, because it makes ME feel better, not for attention.

Yeah, I’m an adult and it looks weird for people to see.  And yeah, it makes me feel bad when people stare at me because I get super excited and can’t help spazzing in the store.  My mother loves telling the story of when we went to the fair and there were chickens and I started jumping up and down and clapping my hands when I was 15 or 16 and wearing Tripp pants and just all the black.  Fuck, just the other day at the store I got super excited to get some kimchi and started bouncing up and down and saying ‘kimchi kimchi kimchi kimchi kimchi’ over and over and over again.

I just don’t see why my Autism seems like Attention Seeking to people.  I don’t say that people blink or sneeze for attention.  It’s hurtful and it’s shaming something I can’t help.  And, if anything, that makes the people doing that attention seeking, not me.  Because my spazzes are about me, stop making them about you.

Forever yours,

The Sarcastic Autist

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