Midnight Musings

I’m 25 years old and I can’t think of a single romantic relationship that I’ve had where I wasn’t taken advantage of or abused.  From when I was 11 with my first girlfriend to last August with Exacerbating Ex, I’ve been used, abused, and tossed aside when it became apparent that I’m not going to change.  I’m not sure why that even really bothers me at 11:30 on a Thursday night.  I guess I’m just kind of reflecting on stuff.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if I was born ‘normal’.  Would my parents never have split?  Would I have gotten good grades in school?  Gotten a degree?  Gotten married?  Would I have a stable relationship with someone who actually cared about me and not wanted to use me as some sort of living sex doll?  Would I be able to understand jokes and sarcasm better?  What would it be like to not take everything so literally?

What is normal?  I see a lot of other Autistic people arguing about whether or not a cure is viable or if Autism is something we should be proud of.  I can’t say I’m proud of it.  It’s just part of who I am, much like my Japanese heretage and my blue/green/hazel eyes. Just like my love of music.  I don’t think I could change that.  Getting rid of my Autism would be drastically changing who I am.  I may not necessarily like who I am, but I have to say, I hate change more.  ^_^

It’s kind of funny, really, if you think about it.  I bitch and moan and groan about not fiting it, about being different, but then I go and say I don’t want to be anything but me.  I’m not saying that my Autism is all  that I am and my entire identity revolves around that.  I’m saying that, much like having brown hair or big feet, Autism is just another feature of me.

On the other hand, I really hate being me.  I hate being all weird and neurotic all the time.  I’m a square trying to fit into a circle.  It doesn’t work and all it does is make me stressed out.  It takes so much effort to try and be like everyone else, even though I haven’t a clue how to start.  I just want to cry most of the time.  It’s just so disheartening.  I know my mother is disappointed that I’m not the daughter she wanted.  I know that it makes people feel bad for me when I say that I know I’m different, I just don’t know exactly how I’m different.  And I know it makes people sad when I say I wish I didn’t exist.

Of course, I don’t always feel that way. Most of the time, I manage to look and act and maybe actually feel happy.  There are times, however, when I’m up late at night ruminating at the shit I’ve done, going back over the day’s events, that I just wonder how bad it would be to just stop.

No worries to you, dear reader.  I signed a contract with my therapist saying I wouldn’t kill myself or anything like that.  And I’m not suicidal.  I’m just in a state of ponderment, I guess.  Also, I’m kind of tired and I can’t sleep.  I keep having nightmares.

I’m going to try and take a sleeping pill anyway.  Thanks for listening.

The Sarcastic Autist


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