Suffering

Hey, so I know I said I would do a post on Executive Functioning, but today I’ve been residing in such a deep sleepy depressing state, that I thought I should touch on that instead.  Priorities and all that.  I was sort of in this state yesterday too.  Maybe it’s my pants.  Maybe it’s the harassment of my Ex, the retesting, money, loneliness.  I don’t know.  All I know is that I’m sad and suffering.

Now, I’m sure when you think of suffering, you picture pain and screaming and maybe naked little red devils stabbing people with oversized forks, but that’s not really the case here.  Whenever I use the word ‘suffer’ or any variation of it, I mean something that interferes with daily life.  Something that interferes with one’s own special brand of Zen.

I am suffering, my dear readers.  I thought that posting might make my suffering a bit less.  I’m of the mindset that, when we share our suffering with friends and people who love us and care for us, our suffering diminishes.  For me, there is such taboo in saying “I am Suffering.  I am of the sad and I cannot think of a reason to smile.  I am not Zen.”  I was raised, like many people, that others don’t care to hear about things that aren’t happy rainbows and butterflies and pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows.  Everyone suffers, what makes my suffering so special that I need to force it on others?

Well, for one thing, I’m not forcing it on others by talking about it.  It’s already interfering with how I interact, I’m just bringing attention to it.  If it makes people uncomfortable, it makes people uncomfortable.  I don’t want to be neurotypical in this regard.  I never understood why people ask “How are you” because they never want to hear about anything that they would deem ‘negative’.  Yeah, sure, I get it, it’s a traditional American way of greeting.  It just doesn’t make sense to me.  If you ask me how I am and I respond that I’m suffering and you get all butt hurt because I didn’t stick to the predetermined script, you really can’t blame me.  Talking about my suffering makes it less.  I feel better if I moan and groan and bitch and people sometimes have great perspectives regarding how to lessen the suffering.

Today, I am suffering.  I am depressed and I haven’t the foggiest idea why.  I ended up sleeping most of the day away and now I want to go back to sleep. I feel sad and hopeless and like any sort of positive outlook of my life is overshadowed by the gloom and doom of reality.  I’ve had to constantly remind myself that everyone has suffering and that I just can’t see it.  Their suffering is not more nor is it less than mine.  It just is.  But today, I am suffering.

Today, I hated the me in the mirror.  Today, I couldn’t bring myself to go to church and deal with the people.  Today, I had to force myself to study and to shower and to eat.  Today, I haven’t been able to think of anything nice to say about myself.   Today, I am suffering.

I’ve been wanting to cry and scream and curse and throw things and not talk ever again and not even be in existence and just sleep.  I’ve been wanting to be left alone and to be bothered and forced to do things with people.  Today, I’ve been locked in a cage of my own making.  Today, I have been suffering.

There’s nothing wrong with having a day or so of suffering.  I think it can be quite good for the soul to do.  It’s when the suffering interferes with daily life that you should seek professional help.  In DBT, your therapist gives you  a number to call if you need someone to talk to, so you can avoid doing target behaviors.  I don’t like talking on the phone.  It bothers me.   And I don’t like talking to people when I’m depressed or anxious anyway.  I prefer to be nonverbal.  Reaching out when suffering is hard and my Autism makes it easier for me to avoid everything.   I think that’s a huge reason why we need to get rid of the stigma behind suffering.

Everyone suffers.  We all have different kinds of suffering.  I can’t judge you on your suffering and you can’t judge me on mine.  It’s not fair to grade a fish on its ability to climb, and all that.  One person may suffer from Bulimia and one person may suffer from poverty.  One person may suffer from not getting that pink special edition of Star Wars, another may suffer from divorce.   Suffering comes in all shapes and in all sizes and all levels of personal ability to cope.

We can’t compare our suffering to each others because we all have different abilities to cope with different types of suffering.  I understand wanting to have perspective and that’s a good thing to have, don’t get me wrong, you can’t compare a starving Ethiopian child’s suffering to a middle class white woman’s suffering.  They are two entirely different people with entirely different life experiences and such.  Both sufferings are valid and real.

I’m sorry to have rambled on and on about this.  It’s just something that rather bothers me.  I hope it brings some sort of revelation to you though.  Just as we can’t judge different animals on their ability to climb a tree, we can’t judge different people on their ability to deal with their suffering.  And it’s rather cruel to try and do so.

I see your suffering and validate it.  It is not more nor is it less than mine.  I see my suffering and validate it.  It is not less nor is it more than yours.  Suffering is suffering.  We should aim to move to a place beyond it instead of shaming people for it.  Suffering is suffering.  There is not a right way nor is there a wrong way with dealing with it.

Suffering is suffering.  We all suffer.  But maybe, if we share our suffering with each other, we can suffer a little less.

-The Sarcastic Autist