Hajimemashite, everyone! I’m doing a lot better than yesterday. I mean, my face is still a bit swollen and my throat hurts and shit, but I’m doing a lot better. I’m very tired, but I’m guessing that has more to do with the Benadryl I’ve been consuming non-stop. For today, you may have noticed that I’m adding a part three to my spazzing series. This is because we were talking about distress tolerance in group yesterday and my therapist, Charon, said rocking was a type of soothing behavior and that it’s totally okay to do. And she was talking to someone else in the group, not me, which tells me that she actually means it and wasn’t saying it just to make me feel better.
So, why is my Spazzing a self-sooth thing? Because it helps me get my emotions under control without resorting to self-destructive behavior. Sure, yeah, some of my spazzes are destructive, like the head banging or the wrist slamming and the trichotillomania. However, the non-harmful ones like hand-flapping and rocking do wonders for helping me calm the fuck down. There is nothing wrong with spazzing to self-sooth. It’s when you get stuck in the rut of only doing self-soothing things and not actually working on the problem, it becomes ineffective. Short term soothing only, people.
An example of self-soothing and not facing issues is when I get all flustered by the enormous amount of laundry and just hit my head a few times with my hand. It makes me relaxed and not as flustered, but if I keep allowing myself to get flustered by mountains of laundry instead of just doing the laundry, it’s ineffective as a therapeutic tool.
Of course, spazzing isn’t the only thing you can do. You can take a bath, hang out with a friend, read, pet your pet, listen to some music, put something cool on your face, and the list is practically endless. However, like I said, it should only last between a couple of minutes to a couple of hours, you shouldn’t camp out in your Distress Tolerance thingy. After you Distress is to a Tolerable level, you should move onto Emotion Regulation, which is basically reducing suffering in regards to emotions.
Funnily enough, I also believe that Spazzing is an Emotion Regulation thing. If I’m having a lot of Emotional Suffering and shit, I’m going to be spazzing the fuck out. However, once the ‘crisis’ of being in Suffering is over, I adjust the dial down low for whatever spazzing I’m doing. For example, if I’m hitting my head, I start to tap it instead of just hitting it and then I can work on my Emotion, instead of ignoring it or shutting it off.
Ah, dear sweet Spazzing, what a really nifty tool my various heathen gods have given me. It allows me to both calm the fuck down and remain at a consistent level in moments of crisis. Honestly, I never really thought about my spazzing too in depth until I started this blog. I just thought my spazzing was this weird thing that I did that made me a loser and a freak. Now, I’ve come to realize that it’s just my special way to destress. Which is pretty amazing, if you ask me.
I think I will challenge myself to allow myself to Spazz at least once a day without shame or guilt for this next week. It’s the least I can do for me, right? There’s nothing wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with Spazzing. Okay, maybe the hitting or the cutting Spazzing are not the best way to Tolerate Distress. I think I’ll skip those.
I’m sorry to say that this post is a lot shorter than it normally is. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m still recovering from that allergic reaction that happened yesterday. It still sucks and I’m itchy as fuck, but at least I haven’t had to go to the doctors. I’m just really out of it currently and can’t focus well enough to post decently. My apologies.
On a happy note, congratulations, Kuma-Chan for passing your exam! Omedetou gozaimasu, Kuma-Chan! I’m so proud of you!
The Sarcastic Autist