The Innocence of Autism

How I’ve missed you, my dear internet strangers who may or may not be serial killers!  I’ve been out and about all day with me mum, doing the shopping and such.  Have I some tales to tell you about my adventures!  We had to go to the [check mark cell phone store] and we had to go to [bull’s eye awesome super store] and we had to go to [evil super store] and we had to go to the [local market] and then the other [market] and then Okaasan wanted to get Grandma a shake from [terrible fast food place].  I got hair buzzers to continue the prepubescent monk look I’ve got going on.  I purchased Neko-Chan a new poop box and I got a new pair of undies and a new shirt.  Oh!  And I got a shit ton of ramen.

But, best of all, I  got a new toothbrush!  My dentist says I have a small mouth, so I’m supposed to use children’s sized brushes.  I found a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic electric toothbrush with Rainbow Dash!  Oh, I’m so excited to use it!  I can’t wait!

But I digress.   I have to say, I have done many things that looked childish today.  I jumped up and down and squealed with joy over my new toothbrush.  I jumped up and down and excitedly told Okaasan about the amazing GhostBusters shirt I found on sale.   I flapped my hands and twirled when I buzzed my hair because oh.  My.  Various.  Heathen.  Gods.  It.  Feels.  AMAZING!  And I pouted and whined when Okaasan said that we couldn’t leave the store because I grabbed the wrong kind of storage bags and I wanted to just get them and go because I was 110% done with shopping by that point.

It sounds kind of cute and adorkable, doesn’t it?  Not so cute and adorkable is that I’m easily influenced.  I’m not very good at knowing when someone has some nefarious  scheme in mind.  I’m not very good at telling a truth from a lie, a bad situation from a good situation, a nice person from a bully.  I’ve always been this way.  Before I started reading up on Autism and hearing from others, I just kind of assumed I was some sort of moron.  I mean, I’d been convinced to steal for Exacerbating Ex.   I’m pretty sure that if someone came up to me in a white pedo van and offered me candy to help them look for their lost puppy or kitten, I’d probably be so overjoyed to help I’d bounce up and down on my toes and clap my hands.

But after hearing from other Aspies and friends and family of Autistics, I’ve come to realize that I’m not a moron, it’s just another amazing Autism Super Power that’s not so amazing.   Something that my therapist, Charon, said the other day was that everyone seems to have a shadow self.  I don’t think I have one.  I’m not even 100% sure what she was even saying there.  I keep picturing Peter Pan’s shadow, and I don’t think that’s what she was talking about.  There’s only one Sarcastic Autist.  There’s no face that I put on to go to work or school and then another face for home.  There’s only the me at full volume and the me on a little bit quieter volume.  Otherwise, it’d be lying, and lying is something I don’t abide by.

Anyway, Kuma-Chan says my child-like innocence is endearing.  I guess it can be.  However, if you think about it, my innocent outlook on life is probably what got me raped and into so many abusive relationships.  I want to trust everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  I want to think everyone is a good person.  I want to believe that people don’t lie.   That just isn’t how the world works.  The world is full of liars and thieves and rapists and murderers and Exacerbating Exes that just take advantage of people who do have that innocent outlook on life.  It’s so confusing and frustrating to me.  Something about it is just beyond my comprehension, and other Autists seem to have that issue too.

Now, am I saying that being Autistic is a terrible thing?  No.  Nor am I saying that all us Autistic people need to be protected and shielded from the world in a giant plastic bubble.   I’m quite literally just complaining about the unfairness of it all.  I want to be able to understand why these things happen, why people act the way they do.  I want to be able to look at my own behavior and realize that it’s not something a normal 25 year old does.  A normal 25 year old has a job or is a parent or is in school.  I go to therapy two to three times a week for a few hours.  Sure, I’m considering inpatient for my Eating Disorder, but I should still be able to get a job.

I’m also a people pleaser, you know.  My last and only job was at Wal-Mart.  I worked there for a little over a year before I had a nervous break because I was going to school full time and Wal-Mart had me doing all sorts of additional jobs that wasn’t just doing check-out or greeter duties.  I was constantly being given shifts because I hated saying no.  I hated disappointing people.   I still hate saying no and I’m quite bad at it.  I want people to be happy and I’m easily influenced by people because why would they lie to me?  I don’t lie, so I can’t imagine other people doing it, to be quite honest.  Which is a terrible thing for a young woman living in the city alone by a Scientology building.

Thank goodness I’m living with my mother again, right?  Who knows what kind of hell I’d get myself into living alone?  For fuck’s sake, when I was at the homeless shelter, I was roped into a relationship by this one fellow old enough to be my dad and then ‘sold’ to a Cuban fellow for some cigarettes by another lady.  I have no idea what the fuck was going on there, my dear reader.  I hope it wasn’t anything too bad.

My loyal followers and my loving friends, I need a lot of supervision.  I need adult supervision.  I have an air of innocence and a demeanor that says I’m not the brightest bulb in the box socially.  Maybe one day I can overcome that, but it the meantime, I shouldn’t be living alone.  I’d probably try to adopt a homeless meth addict that would sell all my stuff and then convince me that prostitution is a legit way to help him out.  Or adopt all the stray cats and become a crazy cat lady and end up killing myself in a desperate attempt at fleeing this wretched world and then the cats would eat my face.  I like my face.  I don’t want cats to eat it.

Ookinamondaidesune?

The Sarcastic Autist

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