Oh my goodness, my fellow internet denizens. Today has been one of those days where I just haven’t wanted to do much. I have, though. I went to the market for a carbonated caffeinated beverage and coffee for me, and a loaf of bread and some mayo for me mum. In addition, I did 3 loads of laundry. I thought a lot about what I wrote yesterday and I went over several points in therapy that I don’t quite get and hope I will one day.
For one, I keep telling Charon that a Life Worth Living looks like having all my shit together. I have none of my shit together. I also don’t know what having all my shit together really looks like besides the very ambiguous term ‘normal’. What does ‘normal’ even look like? Fuck if I know.
A friend of mine, Baby Mama, told me that I always take time to listen to other people’s worries even if I’m having my own shit to deal with and that she admired me for that. It was weird to hear someone say that. It was also really helpful. I normally just assume people see me the same way I do; a rather annoying fat girl.
So today, I’ve been putting a lot of thought in how I see myself. I am a very loud and boisterous person. I move even when I’m talking or sitting. My eyes don’t seem to stay in one place for very long and I have a very hard time making eye contact. I can’t always control the volume of my voice. I have a very categorical way of thinking. I put myself down and don’t treat any of my 3 selves very well. My mental self, my physical self, and my spiritual self are starving, in various ways. And that is not a Life Worth Living.
I starve my mental self of happy thoughts and self-esteem and reality. I starve my physical self by purging and restricting and other eating disorder behavior. I starve my spiritual self by denying it the freedom to explore scary ideas. To get my shit together, I have to stop starving my selves.
I’m trying to get into healthier eating and exercising habits for my body. It is really hard and getting treatment for my Eating Disorder is not on my list of priorities right now. I’m still overweight and want to get into a healthy B.M.I. range before I got back to the Center. I also believe that I will have to do inpatient treatment for it because of my Autism. I have a super hard time breaking habits and I have an even harder time figuring out how to do shit by myself. At least I recognize that. Eventually, I do want to get treatment because my Eating Disorder makes me feel shame and guilt and depression. Right now, though, I’m battling between my logical side and my emotional side in regards to it.
My mental self has been doing a shit ton better since I’ve started my blog. Charon has even noticed it. Practicing Authenticity and attempting Self-Compassion have really done a lot for me. It also helps that blogging has become part of my routine. It makes me feel productive and seeing my thoughts and emotions and experiences and the conclusions I draw from everything is really helpful because I can see my progress. It’s no longer just a bunch of things and random shit going through my head and being said. It’s a physical representation of what’s going on. I’ve also have been doing a lot of self reflection and have become a lot more aware.
For my spiritual self, I’ve recently been studying Buddhism. It’s a pretty nifty thing to be doing. I’m still a non-denominational pagan, but now I have a lot of practice with Mindfulness under my belt. That’s been helpful in its own way.
I sort of feel like I’m slowly Awakening to my true self, where I can actively pursue a Life Worth Living, rather than just go by what I’m told I should be doing. I’ve been having a lot of revelations on what my thought processes actually are. I no longer feel like I’m just coasting by in life. I’m coasting a little bit, yes. Just barely keeping my head above the water. But I’m starting to see what other people see in me.
I’ll go back and reread my blog posts out loud for my therapist sometimes. When I do, I don’t really recognize what I’ve written. It sounds far too insightful and smart for me to have done it. (I really need to work on Self-Compassion more). It’s quite fucking shocking to realize that I’ve typed all this and I’ve got 19 followers now. That’s 19 people who think what I have to say is interesting enough that they want updates. I never imagined I could have any effect on others. I once stated that a Life Worth Living meant being a positive influence on at least one other person. I’ve done that and that’s pretty amazing.
I’ll admit, most of the time I really don’t see the point in me continuing to do all of this. I fail to see the point in living, the purpose I have, the impact I have on my friends and cat. I fail to see myself as someone other than a fat fuck who wastes space and resources. I’m slowly starting to see myself as more than just a spazzy Autist. And that’s really scary. I don’t like change. I hate change. But I need this change.
Talking to Charon the other day, I mentioned how I don’t feel like I really put in any effort in my Japanese studies anymore. I said I felt it was insanely easy. She reminded me that I didn’t always think so. Apparently I would constantly bitch about certain grammar points and synonyms and fucking Kanji. One day, it felt like a switch clicked on in my head and it all fell into place and I haven’t had any real issues since.
It was like that when I first started flossing. It was a pain and if I didn’t use Habitica (link to their website, I highly recommend it and they also have an app) I probably wouldn’t have continued. Now I floss every day and I brush twice a day and I even remember to do homework. I just conveniently forget how hard it is to start doing something new. I have a tendency to not give myself credit for pushing through hard times and tell myself it’s always easy so why is it so hard today?
The truth is, it hasn’t gotten any easier and it’s not going to get any easier. It’s still difficult for me to remember new Kanji and grammar for Japanese. I still have to drag my sorry ass into the bathroom to floss and brush every night. I don’t always want to take my medications and I don’t always want to go to therapy. I hate doing laundry. I just do it anyway. And I lie to myself and say it was easy because this shit is supposed to be easy and why the fuck can’t I get this right? I get really hard on myself.
So I guess a Life Worth Living is made of 3 basic practices. Authenticity, meaning being honest with oneself and with the world. Kindness, meaning being calm and helping when one can. And Progressiveness, meaning always striving to improve oneself and the world around them.
I can get behind these things. Basically it’s just always being truthful and kind and to continue to grow as a person.
I can promise to strive to be always Authentic, Progressive, and Kind, not just towards myself, but towards others as well. I can promise to do my best and not give up. Because I don’t want to be the girl I was last year. I want to be the best me I can be. And I want to do it for me and not just to please everyone else.
I want to have my own Life Worth Living and not someone else’s idea for it.
I can be my own special brand of Awesome.
-The Sarcastic Autist