Aloha, friends! For the record, I am now at 20 followers! I can’t remember if I had mentioned that previously so I wanted to inform you lovely people. Today, we’ve been at around 28-30 common, which is 81+ in freedom units. 70% and higher humidity. All the reasons why I need an air purifier or dehumidifier or whatever. Very bothersome. My lungs have been working themselves to death, which means I get to have copious amounts of caffeine in order to open my bronchial airways. So yes, that means I’ve had a shit ton of coffee and caffeinated beverages.
Something that’s been bugging me since I heard it in group the other day is the saying ‘choose your hard’. Apparently, in context, there is a picture/meme thing floating around Facebook that says ‘being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Choose your hard.’ I have to say, I have this insanely powerful urge to protest, being fat is not hard. Losing weight is hard. Sure, there was a lot of difficulties being obese. I was obese for years. I’m still overweight. Fitting in a seat right, finding pants, getting rashes in places I didn’t know existed because of my fat rolls. Those were difficulties. But staying fat required absolutely no effort on my part.
Losing weight has been a very hard battle. Between struggling with an eating disorder and really wanting to not do anything that could even remotely resemble cardio, I’ve been plateauing and dropping in frighteningly unpredictable patterns. It’s a very hard thing. I commend anyone who has lost any amount of weight because of all the fucking effort it takes. Which is why I get so fucking pissed when people say being fat is hard. I chose to be fat. Then I chose to lose weight.
My angry ranting aside, my point is this: It’s not about ‘choosing your hard’; it’s about ‘choosing the hard’. I chose the hard thing and decided to lose weight. I chose the hard thing and decided to change my life so I didn’t feel so miserable all the time. I chose to be true to myself and stop trying to please everyone. None of that is easy. It’s all really fucking hard. It’s fucking hard and it’s not just one choice and everything is what I want it to be. It’s a constant chain of choices that I have to make.
For another example, I could choose to stop going to therapy. That is a choice and it would be a really easy choice because I literally could just sit on me as and never go back. I could choose to stop taking my pills because I’m not monitored and it requires no effort to stop. I could choose to keep saying “I can’t” or I can choose to say “I’ll give it a shot”. It may be weird and embarrassing to keep saying “I can’t”. However, it would mean I wouldn’t have to try. Saying “I will try” means constantly getting back on the horse no matter how many times I get thrown off. It means giving it my all. It means choosing to get bumps and scrapes and face the possibility of failure instead of staying within the safeness of the known.
‘Choosing the hard’ is not quitting. ‘Choosing the hard’ is always trying to improve. ‘Choosing the hard’ is being able to stand tall and without shame and going ‘fuck the haters, I made it’. Of course, there are always going to be obstacles when ‘choosing the hard’.
I really want to get a job and get back to working like a functional member of society. (Mostly, I just want to start saving money up for Japan.) It’s a choice and I am fully aware that I’m going to have to talk to my Worker about advocacy in getting a job. I need help finding a job and figuring out how to do all that fun stuff. On top of which, I will not be able to work a job that has a lot of social interaction such as retail normally entails. Night or weekends to start. But I digress.
I know I’m not the best at making choices. I once thought that getting a neck tattoo was a great idea. I thought it was totally okay to go for walks late at night. I chose to stay in several different abusive relationships. I’m aware that I can make really shitty choices and I’m aware that I’m probably not going to have a perfect record from here on out when it comes to decision making. I’m still willing to try.
‘Choosing the hard’ is more about wanting to make an effort to improve your lot in life. I really want to improve. I don’t want to be seen as that adorkable and cute ‘kid’ that I’m often referred to as. I don’t want to feel shame when I spazz. I don’t want to be stuck living with Okaasan for the rest of her life. I can learn how to make better choices and change myself and be an awesomer me than I am today. There is no one and nothing physically preventing me from doing so.
I can choose to put blame on my Autism or I can choose to be a better person. I can keep choosing to just bitch and moan and groan but do nothing to change my situation and lot in life. It’d be extremely easy. I don’t want to. I want to start that chain of choices that will lead my to my own Life Worth Living. I already have, when I decided to start my blog.
No, really! Since starting my blog, I’ve really gotten better! I’m able to put all my thoughts and feelings about the day’s events or just life in general into a tangible form. Doing that has made me see what I can improve on and it helps me track my progress. Choosing to continue trying is what is making my Life Worth Living. It’s quite amazing, actually.
I aim to keep ‘choosing the hard’. I want to keep improving and making my life better and making myself better. I want to choose to keep this feeling of accomplishment and to build upon it. I choose to do so. I choose to help myself. I choose to realize my limitations and to strive to overcome them. I choose to be my own special brand of Awesome.
I hope you choose to be your own special brand of Awesome too.
-The Sarcastic Autist