I hope you are all doing well! I am still upset over yesterday. My therapist and I actually talked about it in therapy today. But more on that later. In my prologue, I just want to take a moment to bitch about my mother. She is a person and therefore she is prone to being fallible. However, I want you to know that she never listens to me. She is a very abusive person that has gotten better only because I started calling her on her shit. She constantly tries to gaslight me (make me think that my memories aren’t true). Don’t tell me she loves me or that I love her or any of that bull shit. You don’t know what the situation is and you are an asshole if you pull that shit. Moving on.
So, today I was telling my therapist how I was confused about some of these social situations. Such as inviting someone you don’t like to your wedding. It seems stupid to me and I can’t figure out why someone would do that. However, Charon said that she thinks that I’m not so much confused as maybe I just don’t understand. I’ve interpreted that to mean that I think more in the terms of an ideal world, where no one is an asshole.
Basic tenant of anything for me is to just not be a dick. Don’t want to get gay married? Don’t get gay married. Don’t like abortion? Don’t get one. If it harm none, do what ye will and all that. If I don’t like something, I just avoid it or tolerate it. With the exception of personal traits and Adele, I very rarely deviate from this way of thinking. (Fuck you, Adele)
Therefore, if something doesn’t align with my thinking, I don’t understand because Autism tunnel vision. It can be very hard for people with Autism to think outside the box. In the past, when I’ve not understood something and told me mum that I didn’t understand, she would tell me that I did understand and I’m just confused. In conclusion, I’ve come to think that Confusion and Not Understanding are synonymous.
Apparently, that is not the case. My Not Understanding is more of a “I think that’s really stupid and can’t possibly comprehend why you put yourself through that”. Whereas my Confusion is more of a “Maths is really hard what the fuck is an imaginary number and why is it real suddenly”. I hope that makes sense to you.
Why is this an important distinction to make? Because Not Understanding something is a block. Confusion about something is more like a chaotic vortex of doom inside my head.
I had more about this thought out, but I got into a fight with me mum and I’m still flustered and can’t get into the right headspace right now. I’ll probably post a part 2 at a later date.
-The Sarcastic Autist