Fighting with Friends

Douzoyoroshiku, minna!  I had been fighting a migraine since last night and I’m hoping it was just stress and weather causing it.  I’ve been taking Excedrin and I think I have it well under control now.  I’ve also started reading InkHeart again, and my various heathen gods it’s just as wonderful as I remember.  Onto today’s ramblings.

I got into a fight with a friend of mine the other day.  She was mad at me for calling her husband abusive a week prior.  Now, do you know what the difference between social anxiety and autism is?  In my experience, social anxiety is fearing you will say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and upset people.  Autism is not having a single fucking clue about social norms and such.  They are not mutually exclusive and therefore can overlap.

Why am I telling you this?  Because I didn’t know that calling someone’s husband abusive was wrong.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  All my friend did was bitch and complain about all these things he does and how she was going to divorce him this one time and how she’s stressed out and all this shit.  She never said anything nice about this dude. So when she said that he was laughing at her while she was having a panic attack, I said that that was emotional abuse in my book.  I was very frank that these things he does is fifty shades of not okay and she needs to get the fuck out of there.  She told me to drop it and talk about something else.  I said whatever it’s her life and moved on.

A week later, she starts acting all pissy at me.  She even says “I was raised not to say anything if I don’t have anything nice to say”.  That’s something a parent tells a child so they aren’t assholes to other children.  It’s not an adult way to deal with a situation.  When I pressed as to why she was mad at me she said it was because I said mean things about her husband.  Who she is always bitching about.

I was baffled.  I honestly had no idea what the fuck I did except obviously I said something inappropriate and so I apologized for saying something inappropriate.  She said she was going to be AWOL for a few days to chill.  Okay, I can understand that.  But until I talked to our mutual friend did it turn out that her husband wasn’t as bad as she makes him out to be.  Or something like that.

It’s like if someone was talking to you and describing what you think is a donkey.  All these features are things only donkeys have.  So you state that it’s a donkey.  The person gets mad at you a week later and yells at you for saying it’s a donkey.  They don’t clarify that it’s not a donkey or anything.  Just gets pissy that you called it a donkey.  Someone else comes along and has to explain that it’s really a horse.

That’s how I feel right now.  Like she’s mad at me for calling her husband abusive when that’s all I know of the dude when he’s supposedly this really sweet guy.  This makes me want to not be her friend because I feel like this is really immature of her.  I’m not saying I was in the right, because apparently I wasn’t.  I already apologized.

With her stance on guns and political beliefs and really her close-mindedness, I don’t feel like I can be her friend.  People who are raised a certain way, I can understand a bit of leeway with that sort of thing.  But she just seems really self-centered and not that smart and I don’t think it’s healthy for me to have a friendship with someone like that.  I  can forgive not being as smart as me.  I would never have friends if I based it off that.  I can’t forgive using the way one was raised as an excuse to be a bitch.

I’m hurt.  I’m really hurt about this.  I was up front from day one that I’m not the most socially adept person and to stop me if I was starting on about something inappropriate.  I honestly have a written list of things that are NOT OKAY to discuss.  I feel like she’s acting like a child and the way she randomly blew up at me looks like a red flag.  Exacerbating Ex did the same sort of shit and I’m not going to tolerate it from anyone ever again.

I crossed a line that I should not have crossed.  I understand being upset about that.  I understand bringing it up a day or two later and discussing why it was upsetting.  I do not understand randomly giving the cold shoulder and being all pissy a week later and not even clarifying what exactly was upsetting.  When someone like me is thinking that someone else is acting immature, it’s kind of worrying.

Honestly, if this wasn’t bugging me so much, I would have dropped it by now.  I feel like neither party was in the right here and that communication was lacking.  I don’t feel like giving her a second chance at being mean to me.  I don’t feel like having to be super careful and considerate to someone else for fear of them being mad at me.  This entire situation is just really stressful for me right now and I really really really want to tell her how I feel she’s acting.

I do feel bad I upset her.  That wasn’t my intention.  I thought I was giving her sound advice because her husband sounded a lot like my ex.  I said so when I was talking to her.  I just don’t know if this friendship is worth continuing.   I had promised myself that if someone ever treated me like Exacerbating Ex did, no matter how much I loved them, I would break it off.

I don’t know if this is what Exacerbating Ex did or not and I need an outside point of view or something.  I’m confused and want ice cream.

-The Sarcastic Autist

4 thoughts on “Fighting with Friends

  1. Okay this did not happen because of your Autism. Full stop. This happened because you thought you had all the correct information, you acted on that, and found out it was wrong. It’s going to happen – and will happen – but not because of your Autism, but because of HUMANS in general.

    Miscommunication. Misinformation. Misunderstanding. It is ALL part of the human experience. Trust me.

    This is completely a case of never actually meeting the husband yourself so you never had the chance to see him with your own eyes. The only information you had was what your friend gave you. In your shoes, I would have said the exact same thing. And in my case I probably would have been more emotional about it because I tend to blow up emotionally in a big way.

    But really, this is not your fault if she always presented him as a jerk and you had no other way of knowing. When she started talking about divorce what did she expect? Who in good faith tells a person to stay and work it out with someone that sounds like an abusive asshole? NOT ME! And it seems not you as well.

    I don’t know what your friend wanted when she was complaining about her husband. I don’t know why your friend is so angry to the extent you have described.

    The only thing I have to offer for advice is that next time when you find yourself in a situation like that and you feel the need to say something, but you’re not sure if you should say something it’s completely okay to ask “Do you need advice or do you need me to just listen?” This question does a couple of things right away. It tells the person you are there for them and you care, but you are unsure of what to do and need their input. So far I have never had anyone be offended by me asking that. I think people like knowing you are paying attention and by asking that, you are telling them you are beyond doubt. Just make sure if they say they need you to just listen, that you really listen!

    Trust me. It really isn’t your Autism causing all this. Your Autism is likely making this more challenging to navigate, I won’t diminish your experience in that, but it didn’t cause this to happen. I can’t stress that enough.

    Human is as human does and chaos will ensue. That is the nature of our species.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It actually makes me feel better knowing that it’s not my messed up wiring at fault. Just lots of miscommunication. My friend does have mental issues. My initial reasoning for her sudden anger was her using me as a scapegoat for her problems with her husband. I could have dealt with that. The real reason is just so baffling.

      Thank you for your kind words and validation. You are a good person.
      – The Sarcastic Autist

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well the problem is for whatever reason we as a society generally do not state up front when we want advice and when we don’t. Instead we assume everyone should know when to give it and when not to give it. We also assume that everyone should know when we want affirmation of a choice we have already made versus when we want an overview of options available. But we can’t read minds! So I truly do not understand why this assumption is even a social norm, like at all. Well no… I take that back. I’m pretty sure I do know why this happens. I think deep down it stems from the fear of looking stupid. No one wants that. I don’t. Ego and self-esteem are very much wrapped in one’s intelligence. So asking for advice or for opinions is admitting you don’t know and admitting that you lack confidence in yourself. That chafes the ego. That part of you wants you to pretend you don’t need help even when you do. It exists in all of us, just stronger in some than in others.

        However with that said, when I swallow my own pride and ego, I have found in my experience that people are so relieved when you approach them and tell them up front “I need your advice.” or “I need your opinion.” or “I need your help going over my options.” or “I just need you to listen to me vent.” or “Do you think this is a realistic thing to do?”

        I think there are a couple of factors in this. They are freed from looking stupid by guessing wrong because you removed the guesswork. You came to them for help which tells them you that you value them and their intelligence. Finally by stating it up front, you have made it clear that this issue is important to you and requires attention.

        After all how will my family, who lives up the road, know when to come pick up my sons and I when I have a migraine if we don’t make that phone call? That wasn’t even possible until I sat down with my dad and said “I need a crisis plan and I want to go over options with you.” I complained for years about how much migraines sucked and how hard it was to take care of those boys when they hit but got no help. I got the help the moment I changed my approach and flat out said what I needed. Before nobody knew. Was I just venting? Did I need advice? Who did I want to help me? The questions were endless so the help didn’t come – not because they didn’t care but because they didn’t know what kind of help I wanted. They knew if they picked wrong they risked making me angry. So they picked nothing. They probably didn’t ask because they probably assumed that I expected them to know. They were probably afraid that I would be angry with them for not knowing. Truth is, I had expected them to know what to do because I didn’t know what to do at the time. Would I have been angry if they had asked? I honestly don’t know, depends on how they asked I think.

        I admit that I often just guess and just offer the advice, praying that it goes well, but in the case of your post here you specifically stated you needed an outside point of view. So I responded with what I have experienced in life thus far. It’s the best that I can do. The only thing I will say about my advice is that it does comes from my personal experience. And my experience is limited to the life of one person who is still learning and growing. So don’t take it as scientific fact. Don’t be afraid to take whatever I’ve had to say to your therapist to discuss to make sure it’s right for you. It is never my intent to lead anyone astray to a life of unhappiness.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You are a wise person to admit that you are still learning and growing. I am going to be meditating on your words for the next few days. You have some very insightful viewpoints and suggestions and such that are going to to make me think. Not very many people can say they made me think.
        -The Sarcastic Autist

        Liked by 1 person

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