Changing the Chameleon

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Merry meet, my friends!  My cat is currently bugging me because there is a storm outside and because I haven’t given her any treats.  Mostly because of the treats.  So, today I’ve decided to become an anthropologist when I grow up.  Simple explanation is that an anthropologist studies the histories of people and I already do that so why not get paid to learn?  I can do that in Japan as well as here in the States.  It’s less of a social career than an interpreter or a translator.

Moving along, I want to just say that I am not the most self-aware person in the world.  I doubt I even make the top 6.5 billion on that list.  It’s only lately that I’ve started noticing my specific quirks rather than the general weirdness that is me.   However, today it dawned on me while I was at the grocer’s.  This sudden awareness and eerily unsurprising knowledge that I tend to mimic people.

I discovered this quite by accident.  I was talking to Okaasan and I realized that I was talking differently and walking differently and holding myself differently than I normally do.  I was behaving the way I would expect the main heroine in my book to.  As the day progressed, I mulled it over in my head and went over past scenarios where this may have been a major occurrence.

Alas, dear reader, I’m pretty sure I do this all the time.  I am a chameleon.  I mean, it sort of makes sense.  I am often finding myself studying the behaviors and patterns of other people.  It’s a fascinating thing to do. I also want to point out that my interest are still the same; my likes and dislikes don’t change; neither do I suddenly become interested in things that I wouldn’t normally think twice about.

I think I should point out that it’s only when I’ve been watching someone for a while or have had prolonged contact that this happens.  It’s not like I change behaviors as quickly as an actual chameleon changes colours.  It’s a steady and gradual change.  It may be a female autism thing or it may be a me thing.  I’m not sure and I don’t think that really matters.

Any time I had a best friend in the past, Kuma-Chan exempt, I became who they wanted me to be in a sense.  Which was a submissive type of person, for the most part.  It’s very hard to come to grips with this particular reality.  I’m going to have to make a very conscious choice to stand my ground and stay true to myself.  Which I suck at because it means putting forth an effort and I’m so extremely lazy.

I wonder if this means I can finally start to be who I want to be rather than who everyone else wants me to be.  Will I be able to put my foot down and tell people no?  Will I be able to tell Charon and Okaasan that I want to be who I want, not who they want or who they expect me to be?  I don’t know if I’m actually asking you that or if it’s just a rhetorical question bouncing in my brain.

It’s kind of shocking to think that I have the power to realize things about myself and work to change them.  I feel like I’ve just become the head Knight and am getting closer to becoming the Emperor of myself.  I feel very empowered.  Just because I don’t have a very strong sense of self right now doesn’t mean I can’t gain one.  I’ve already started that journey.

Fuck yes I’ll be able to tell people no and be able to assert that I’m my own person with my own hopes and dreams!  I can do that now.  I sort have already started.  It doesn’t mean I can be a dick.  Basic tenet of most religions is don’t be a dick.  I try hard not to be a dick, for the record.

I feel like I can do anything, right now.  It’s very similar to when I realized that if I can floss I can do anything.  I can change myself for the better, therefore I can do anything.  I can become aware of me, thusly I can do anything.   It’s quite amazing how such little things can create such a drastic change in paradigm.

I don’t have to be what anyone else thinks I should be.  I don’t have to be a chameleon to fit in.  I can change how I react and how I behave.  I can also sit on my ass and do nothing, but that doesn’t quite give me the same sense of adventure.  I like adventure.

And an adventure it is.  It’s not the same adventure that I originally thought I was on when I first started this blog.  It’s the sort of adventure that you can only go on alone and after you’ve been given the tools to survive.  I’m sure I’ll get to meet many more awesome and amazing people as I continue towards a Life Worth Living and maybe I’ll be able to have my own party of Adventurers to recount my tales to.

Always to a new Adventure!

-The Sarcastic Autist

9 thoughts on “Changing the Chameleon”

  1. Awareness is always the first step towards change. You can’t do anything about the things you don’t know. So this is a super awesome stage in your life right now and I’m very happy for you! ^_^

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    • As my therapist says “you don’t know what you don’t know”. She says a lot of redundant things like that. Sometimes I wonder if she says these things just to confuse me.
      Ach, anyway! Thank you so much, my friend. As always, your words inspire me to keep going because now someone will find out if I slack off. ^_^
      -The Sarcastic Autist

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      • She doesn’t say it to confuse you. I never thought of it as a redundant statement before because it is true, but now that you have pointed it out I see that you are right. Of course you don’t know what you don’t know! Duh. But the point is you can’t do anything about it until you do know. It’s like trying to eat an apple you don’t have. I prefer a different saying. “Knowledge is power.” Once you know something you can do something with it. Once you have the apple you can eat it, share it, or whatever. But you have to have it first.

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      • I think it’s the autism that makes such sayings confusing, honestly. I have issues with “nothing changes if nothing changes”, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” ,”eating crow”, and of course “raining cats and dogs”.
        I like your saying better. It reminds me of GI Joe going “Knowledge is half the battle”. Plus, apples are delicious. Particularly Granny Smith, because those are the only apples I will eat.
        -The Sarcastic Autist

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      • Even I don’t get “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Like dude, what the heck is that supposed to mean and where did that ever come from?! You just watch me eat my cake! *gobbles cake* Seriously though, I have no idea where that saying came from. I get the feeling it’s been mangled over time like “A watched pot never boils.” which used to be a “A watched pot never boils over.” but it does feel like watching it with a close eye makes it not boil. -_-

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      • I found it. I will try to explain….

        The place I found says: “you can’t enjoy both of two desirable but mutually exclusive alternatives”

        So let’s say you have $50 dollars. You can either buy the $50 video game or the $50 leather jacket, but you can’t buy both. That’s what this saying means.

        So… in the literal sense, you can either have the cake to sit there and look at, or you can eat the cake. But not both. Basically it’s “if you eat it now, you won’t have it for later.” I still think it’s dumb….

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