My Spazzing and Me: Toilet Edition

What’s up, everyone?  I just got home barely an hour ago.  I was gone all day doing the shopping and errand running and I had a doctor’s appointment for my ear.  I have to take antibiotics for the next 10 days and probiotics for the next 30, at least.  Amazing Discount Used Book Store had a bunch of books on sale and I got 7.  I also got a bookmark but I forgot to pay for it and now I feel bad.  I did call them and since I have to go back that way on Thursday, the nice lady said I could pay for it then.  So, at least I won’t have it on my conscious for too long.  I’m a little sad I can’t use it yet, but I wouldn’t feel right if I did.  It’s not paid for so it’s not mine yet.  It’s stolen.  Also, my grandma kissed my cheek and now I feel violated.

I’m a little bit more spazzy and  shut down than I normally am.  My day was very stimulating.  Something that bothers me a lot when I’m out and about with both my mother and my grandmother is that neither of them seem to know how to take turns talking.  They talk over each other and their voices get louder and louder.  I can’t bring it up because they get all pissy when I do.  So I just sit in the back seat and do my finger dancing by my eyes because that’s what helps me when it’s too noisy.  That and very loud headphones.

When I feel anxious, like I did in the stores and the doctor’s office, I pluck at my shirt collar and do a very fast beat against my chest.  I’ll rock back and forth a little too.  But when all my senses are being attacked and I’m feeling super overstimulated, I rock back and forth and beat my chest and wriggle my fingers in my face and make weird little nyannnnmmhnm sounds.

I did that in the car at one point before my appointment because I had to pee.  Now, when I feel the need to pee, it means that I have to go right the fuck now because my body hates me.  I actually don’t know if it’s an autism thing or if it’s some weird detachment thing or if I’m on the border of incontinence.  All I know is that I have to have access to a toilet right away.  But not the gross gas station toilets.  I can only use toilets in places I’ve gone to the toilet before.

I know, that sounds weird and circular, like my therapist’s saying of “you don’t know what you don’t know”.  If I’m calm and not in a state of high stress, I am more receptive to the idea of using a foreign toilet, but for the most part, I only use specific toilets in specific buildings.  My grandma doesn’t get this.  She wanted Okaasan to drop her off at the bank and then drop me off at the doctor’s.  This was not going to work for me because I really had to fucking pee.

So me mum drops me off.  Later, when Okaasan is picking me up from the bookstore, she mentioned that she told Grandma that sometimes you have to pick your battles with me.  This is confusing and it hurt my feelings.  There was no battle.  I had to go to the bathroom.  The top priority was my need for a toilet.  It wasn’t like I was having ridiculous demands or anything. It was a human being’s need for a place to urinate.

I mean, I totally get that I can be really demanding at times and that dealing with me and my ‘special needs’ can be soul sucking.  I realize that.  I try very hard not to be as big a pain in the ass as I have been in the past.  I’ve learned a lot of things, including that other people are people like me and not just NPCs.

I guess I’m more hurt by Okaasan not noticing my improvements and her words.  Because seriously, what the fuck?

Okay, it was a long, difficult day and I need to finish my homework.  You guys chill and do something fun now.


-The Sarcastic Autist

4 thoughts on “My Spazzing and Me: Toilet Edition

  1. I think what she meant by picking your battles, or at least what I mean by it when I say it, is choosing what you’re going to argue about and what you’re not going to argue about.

    Your grandmother doesn’t get it so it’s likely that she was willing to argue with you about the toilet. She probably wanted and expected your mother to fight that fight with you over the toilet. I don’t know if your mother gets it but it was obvious that she was unwilling to argue about a toilet. And in the end it’s not your grandmother’s place to decide what your mother fights with you about. That’s entirely between you two.

    Really it’s just a toilet and of all the things to fight about why fight about a toilet. You needed to go, so go where you feel comfortable. It’s not worth fighting about. If this woman is willing to argue over the toilet, what other petty nonsense is she willing to fight about? So yes, I do think your grandmother needed to be reminded that you need to pick your battles because if you don’t you end up fighting over every little thing. Your mother chose that this wasn’t a battle to be fought despite what your grandmother thought. So kudos to your mother for taking that stand.

    I’m not passing judgement on your grandmother or your mother. If your grandmother is anything like the members of my family, then she is a product of old school parenting. It’s an old way of thinking on how kids should be raised and disciplined. It’s phasing out for a variety of reasons, but old ways die hard. Change is hard for everyone, especially when it’s something that’s been imprinted into the core of our being. Parenting is one of those things and it’s a hot topic even among young parents, not just across generations. I have a sneaking suspicion this was more about the way your mother has raised you than your toilet preferences.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hadn’t thought of the different upbringing perspective. I know the women of my family tend to be real stubborn and that tends to clash with my need for things to be a certain way. I know that it’s hard on my mother for me to be different and I can’t imagine what my grandmother must think, since I am named after her. She often tells me I’m her favourite grandchild.
      My grandmother probably had issue with me getting dropped off first, since my mother had to double back to go to the bank. I’m less emotional and more irrational now, so that’s probably it. Another problem is that I tend to not express myself well. My communication is very subpar, especially vocally.
      Then again, I have no idea what goes through other people’s heads or what different parenting styles are. ^_^

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well this is something I run into all the time with my father to be honest. I have a son with Autism and he is 12 right now. My father thinks highly of all three of my sons and we clash a lot as to what is best for them all. I know he just worries and loves them too, but I wish he wouldn’t make me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because of my diagnosis. My parents have 5 children but I’m the only one they are urging to file for disability. I don’t know how to feel about that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Okaasan had me file for disability because I was in a very volatile state a few years back and was in and out of the hospital. The disability money helps with the basic necessities and helps pay for therapy stuff. For me, being on disability is being on supplemental income until I can function in society better. I don’t like it, but it’s what I need right now. So, I can relate to you on that.

        Liked by 1 person

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