What’s up, everyone? I just got home barely an hour ago. I was gone all day doing the shopping and errand running and I had a doctor’s appointment for my ear. I have to take antibiotics for the next 10 days and probiotics for the next 30, at least. Amazing Discount Used Book Store had a bunch of books on sale and I got 7. I also got a bookmark but I forgot to pay for it and now I feel bad. I did call them and since I have to go back that way on Thursday, the nice lady said I could pay for it then. So, at least I won’t have it on my conscious for too long. I’m a little sad I can’t use it yet, but I wouldn’t feel right if I did. It’s not paid for so it’s not mine yet. It’s stolen. Also, my grandma kissed my cheek and now I feel violated.
I’m a little bit more spazzy and shut down than I normally am. My day was very stimulating. Something that bothers me a lot when I’m out and about with both my mother and my grandmother is that neither of them seem to know how to take turns talking. They talk over each other and their voices get louder and louder. I can’t bring it up because they get all pissy when I do. So I just sit in the back seat and do my finger dancing by my eyes because that’s what helps me when it’s too noisy. That and very loud headphones.
When I feel anxious, like I did in the stores and the doctor’s office, I pluck at my shirt collar and do a very fast beat against my chest. I’ll rock back and forth a little too. But when all my senses are being attacked and I’m feeling super overstimulated, I rock back and forth and beat my chest and wriggle my fingers in my face and make weird little nyannnnmmhnm sounds.
I did that in the car at one point before my appointment because I had to pee. Now, when I feel the need to pee, it means that I have to go right the fuck now because my body hates me. I actually don’t know if it’s an autism thing or if it’s some weird detachment thing or if I’m on the border of incontinence. All I know is that I have to have access to a toilet right away. But not the gross gas station toilets. I can only use toilets in places I’ve gone to the toilet before.
I know, that sounds weird and circular, like my therapist’s saying of “you don’t know what you don’t know”. If I’m calm and not in a state of high stress, I am more receptive to the idea of using a foreign toilet, but for the most part, I only use specific toilets in specific buildings. My grandma doesn’t get this. She wanted Okaasan to drop her off at the bank and then drop me off at the doctor’s. This was not going to work for me because I really had to fucking pee.
So me mum drops me off. Later, when Okaasan is picking me up from the bookstore, she mentioned that she told Grandma that sometimes you have to pick your battles with me. This is confusing and it hurt my feelings. There was no battle. I had to go to the bathroom. The top priority was my need for a toilet. It wasn’t like I was having ridiculous demands or anything. It was a human being’s need for a place to urinate.
I mean, I totally get that I can be really demanding at times and that dealing with me and my ‘special needs’ can be soul sucking. I realize that. I try very hard not to be as big a pain in the ass as I have been in the past. I’ve learned a lot of things, including that other people are people like me and not just NPCs.
I guess I’m more hurt by Okaasan not noticing my improvements and her words. Because seriously, what the fuck?
Okay, it was a long, difficult day and I need to finish my homework. You guys chill and do something fun now.
-The Sarcastic Autist