Hey guys! Today I got to pay for that bookmark I accidentally stole the other day as well as get more ramen and kimchi. I met this cute girl at the grocer’s and she was flirting with me, I think. I didn’t ask for her number because I am an idiot and socially inept. Also because I didn’t know if she was flirting or being nice. She had a cute smile, though. I also slept for 12 odd hours. I feel so much better now that I’ve rested. Ear infections are a pain in the ass.
This has been bothering me for a while. Charon often ends up asking how different emotions feel physically. Yesterday, she asked what stubbornness felt like. It feels like being stubborn. Other people said stuff like it was heavy or felt like a bulldozer. I don’t get it. Aren’t emotions supposed to be some sort of metaphysical thing?
When I feel intense emotions, I do my spazzing. When I’m happy, I flap my hands. If I’m a bit nervous, I pull at my ear. If I’m super anxious or upset, I rock back and forth and tug on my shirt collar. I guess when I’m being stubborn, I stiffen up a bit and don’t talk much. But I’m pretty sure that’s not what she meant.
I’m not so good with identifying emotions unless they are extreme. Most of the time, I feel myself as kind of neutral emotion wise. Not Zen, just, apathetic. I am not nearly as emotionally volatile as I was in my younger years, since I’ve learned to calm myself down a lot. If I feel myself getting too emotional, I remove myself from the situation and let myself spaz it out so I don’t get myself in trouble. That’s how I deal, and I’m not saying that’s the right way to go about it or if that’s even healthy. It’s just what I do.
A lady in my group tends to lash out a lot when she’s upset or angry. Another one has a sharp tongue. One person tends to call names. I bottle it up and don’t like to discuss it with people. It’s one of those things that I label that I shouldn’t. Anger and sadness and anxiety are ‘bad emotions’ and aren’t supposed to be talked about. Joy and excitement and affection are ‘good’ and thus can be shared freely.
Have any of you seen InsideOut? I just saw it a while back. My therapist told me that it was a good movie for Autistic people to watch because it explains things in a way that was both fun and simple. There’s a chart that someone had made that showed what different combinations of the main emotions were possible and what feeling they were. If I can ever find it again, I’ll post a link.
Anyway, I did watch it and it did explain things very well. How we can be controlled by our emotions and such. I’m planning on watching it again sometime, when my mother isn’t being a loud pain in my ass so I can actually pay attention. I’m going to full on nerd out and write down what I note with the emotions. A huge barrier for me, when learning to Accept, is that I need to Accept all the ‘bad’ with the ‘good’.
In the movie, Sadness and Joy get lost or something and somebody dies? I’m kind of hazy on the details, but I’m pretty sure the overall message was that even so called ‘bad’ emotions like Sadness are important to feel. It’s important to allow yourself to feel all your emotions and not just dismiss them. I tend to be overly dismissive of my feelings unless they are extreme and I am spazzing.
As a not very self-aware individual, I think this is a very hard concept to grasp. It means that, in order to let myself grow as a person and to get a Life More Worth Living, I can’t just tell myself that being upset over the store having the wrong kind of ramen is stupid. I can’t tell myself I’m being an idiot for being weirded out by my grandmother randomly hugging and kissing me. (Seriously, that was confusing because she doesn’t normally display affection like that). I can’t tell myself to think only logically and that I’m acting like a girl when I’m sad that my favourite shirt is dirty. That line of thinking has gotten me nowhere in life.
Oh shit, I think I just realized what Wise Mind is. It’s that little grey area between the Logic and the Emotion. Oh my various heathen gods, this is just ridiculous. No wonder I had such a hard time with that concept. I’m not well practiced in shades of grey. I’m very much a black and white scenario person. Well, I guess this is what I’ve got to be working on then, huh?
Okay, I’m going to have to apologize for the slightly shorter post today. I want to write this down on my diary card and in my DBT journal. I hope you guys have a great day/night and I will talk to you on the morrow, probably.
With much care and excitement,
The Sarcastic Autist