Breaking Up with Friends

Jeepers, my day has just been so fucking stressful, my dear readers.  I broke up with that friend I was talking about the other week.  I don’t really do that.  I tend to think of my friends as precious and dear to me and I normally try really hard to make all my relationships work.  I like to see people happy.  But I cannot abide by liars and manipulators anymore.

So, my newly ex-friend, whom we are going to call Boris, because I want to call her Boris and it’s my blog, had lied to me and my other friends about her brother Felix.  No, these are not real names and no, I’m not going to go into super deep detail because I don’t see the point.  This post is about the general details about what happened and my feelings about the situation.

Anyway, so many many years ago, around 10 years or so, we all met on an online forum.  We all chatted and had many laughs and great fun.  Boris had said she had a brother named Felix.  I really liked Felix.  When he died, I was really upset.  I would still get upset over it randomly throughout the years.  In the past few months, Kuma-chan had been expressing her doubts to me about Felix’s existence.

I made all sorts of excuses for Boris.  Mostly that it was hard to talk about dead relatives, especially one as awesome as Felix.  However, today I found out that Felix was a lie.  Felix never existed, it was all Boris.  Boris lied about Felix getting into a car accident/overdosing.  Boris also lied about things her husband did, she lied about having a miscarriage, she lied and then she wouldn’t own up to her lies.  I was totally willing to forgive her and move on, keeping our friendship, if she would have just had a proper apology.

I didn’t get a proper apology.  I got excuses and attempts at manipulating me to make me feel bad and twisting words to make it seem like I would be the bad guy if I refused to accept her non-apologies.  I refused to accept them and I unfriended her and I blocked her, because at that point I felt it would just be needless stress.  I unfriended her because I felt like she was acting just like Bitch-Face and Exacerbating Ex.  I had promised myself many moons ago that I would never let myself fall into another abusive relationship, and if I stayed friends with Boris, I would have felt like I had been breaking my promise.

I want to point out that I’m not mad at Boris.  I’m a bit upset, I’ve been picking at my collar and rocking back and forth and spazzing quite badly today because of this shit storm that’s going on.  After I told Boris I couldn’t accept her apology because she was just playing victim and not actually apologizing for her behavior, her sister messaged me.  I don’t know what she said because I deleted it, but it is disturbing that her sister would message me.  I didn’t cuss at Boris and I didn’t lay blame on her.   For fuck’s sake, I felt like I was handling it quite maturely, which is a rarity.

I know that I’m kind of scared of retaliation from Boris because this is the behavior that Bitch-Face and Exacerbating Ex would have when I tried to stand my ground.  I say no and hold onto my beliefs about something and they’d get mad at me for it.  I would get called names, friends would be turned against me, I’d be harassed online.  I don’t like having to deal with that sort of thing.

I also don’t break up with friends.  Bitch-Face dropped me and Exacerbating Ex kicked me out of the apartment.  I had never said the words “I can’t be friends with someone like you” before today.  And I thought that if I ever did say the words, it would be because of anger or physical abuse or some stupid shit.  I just feel very sad.  I feel sad for me because I really wanted this to work out with Boris.  I feel sad for Boris because there has to be some sort of fuckery going on in her head that she needs help for, because who the fuck lies about a brother and then kills him off?  Someone who needs professional help, that’s who.

This drama with Boris has been lasting all day.  I’m really stressed out and I can’t find the Crisis Line number for my therapist.  I kept asking Kuma-Chan and Baby Mama if what I was doing was okay, if it was the right thing to say.  I explained to them and to Cthulu Bait that I didn’t want to be the cause of heart break and I was assured that Boris was digging her own grave by obsessing over me and playing victim.  Learning that she was obsessing  was what really sealed the deal for me, honestly.

I feel bad because I want to be friends with everyone and to make everyone happy.  That’s just not possible and it’s not reasonable for me.  People aren’t always going to like me and I’m not going to like everyone I ever meet.  That’s just reality.  I’m also not going to be able to make people happy or joyful.  I can’t control another person’s emotions or actions.  That’s another reality that I’m just going to have to accept.

I want to say that I don’t think Boris is a bad guy.  I do think Boris has a lot of mental issues that she needs to work on and I do hope she gets help for it.  I want Boris to have a good life, one where she doesn’t feel the need to create and then kill a fictional brother.  I also want my own life to be full of people who make me happy and are healthy for me to be around.  Unfortunately, Boris did not fit that criteria.  And that makes me really sad.

I do like Boris, like I said, I’m not mad at her.  I just can’t deal with such a toxic person in my life right now.  Yes, I know that it just seems like I’ve been doing all post is saying the same basic things to get to the same conclusion.  I’m just trying to remind myself that I don’t have to be friends with anyone.  I don’t even need a real reason to not be friends.  I can just choose not to be friends with a particular person.

It’s been a really rough day for me and I really needed the freedom of my blog to vent.  I’m not spazzing as much as I was earlier.  I want to remind my readers that you can choose your friends and you don’t have to put up with bullshit from anyone.  You are awesome and you should only have to deal with awesome people.

My Life Worth Living is full of happy and healthy people.  I’m sorry Boris couldn’t be part of that.  But now I’m going to move on and put all this behind me.

Yoshii, ikou!  Let’s do this!

-The Sarcastic Autist

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