Random Ramblings

Ahoy!  Remember all that testing I did with Argon?  The dude who bullied me into giving answers that weren’t true?  Well, none of that testing matters because I’m going to get tested again with someone else.  I’m going to be discussing this with my psychiatrist who I will be referring to as Styx in the future.  I feel like Argon crossed a line he shouldn’t have crossed, as a professional and as a supposed ‘Autism Specialist’.  Dude bullied me.  End discussion of that.

Also, since we’re on the vague topic of my health, I’ve been getting more and more bleeding when I shouldn’t be bleeding.  In my private party palace, invites only.  I have an IUD that’s supposed to have shut down my system, but obviously it’s defective.  I’m terrified of the Endometriosis pain coming back.  I only have 1 ovary left.  I have an appointment with a gyno in a few weeks.  Hopefully we can talk about the next course of action that isn’t a pill because I refuse to take anything that can cause weight gain.

You know what else worries me?  The complete denial that my mother is in.  She refuses to acknowledge my PTSD.  Sperm Donor Dude overdosed in front of me several times and was very abusive.  She dragged Oniisan and me with her to my aunt and uncle’s house.  People with Autism hate change.  We hate change especially when it’s sudden.  I hate that I was uprooted from the only home I’d ever known and forced to share a room with 2 loud and inconsiderate people.  I was in a house with 9 other people besides me.  That was traumatic for me.  I could go on, but my point is, my mother won’t acknowledge the PTSD.  She won’t acknowledge the depression either.  She thinks I’m just really anxious.

It also worries me that I can’t seem to get a handle on understanding emotions.  There’s a nifty website that is called The Atlas of Emotions.  I discovered this yesterday and it’s been so helpful to me.  It’s interactive!  Anyway, my therapist has said in the past that I seem to have a huge disconnect between my logic and emotion mind.  I don’t know what that means.  Of course, this is also the lady who seems to think I’m a logical person, so I guess it should be taken conservatively.

I’ve been a hot mess today.  I mean, not literally a hot mess because it’s been a bit chilly today, but emotionally, I’ve been constantly anxious all day.  I can’t figure out a specific source past my appointment tomorrow with Styx and my case manager.  I want to drop my case manager and don’t know how to do it without hurting her feelings.  We don’t really work on anything and that’s my fault.  I have her number so I can hit her up in the future if I do need assistance, but right now, I have no use for a case manager.   My Care-Coordinator, who is new because my old one switched jobs, and I haven’t even touched base yet this year because I hate change and forgot to call her back for the last month.

Really, the only person on my care team that I’ve had any real progress with is Charon.  I know it’s on me to make sure other people know what I need and that I need to be a self-advocate.  I have no idea how to do that and Charon has a tendency to just tell me what to do.  Technically, we do work together on it.  But she understands what I’m trying to say more than the others do.  More than anyone except Kuma-chan, really.  Makes sense since she’s a professional who works a lot of with Autistic people.  Charon, not Kuma-chan.  Kuma-chan is a massage therapist.

I have to go shopping with Okaasan tomorrow.  I’m not looking forward to that.  I just need a skirt.  I don’t own a skirt that fits.  And I refuse to get a dress or a long skirt.  Just, no.  No.  I need another pair of pants too.  Cargo shorts would be nice.

I really couldn’t think of any specific topic for today.  I’ve been spazzing a lot because of the excess anxiety and stress.  It scares the cat and bothers me mum when I make the random noises.  So there’s at least some good out of it.

I’ve rambled enough and I still need to finish making a list for the stores.  I’ll talk to you fine people later with an actual topic.  Hopefully.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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