‘seeing’ and believing

Hello, friends!  I just have to tell you that I just ate half a pizza and I am not going to throw it up, so I’m typing instead.  Because it’s been a few months and I want to keep my purge-free streak going.  Also, I got a #Stand with Orlando shirt (you can buy it at spencer’s) and it was $10 in American Currency and also all 100% of proceeds go to the victims.

I talked to my psychiatrist, Styx, today about Argon’s behavior and she did say that she’s trying to get them to set up a new testing with someone not him.  Because he was a dick.  She also gave me a script for Hydroxyzine, a non-habit forming anxiety medication.  Finally, in this line of news, Styx is moving to the East Coast and going to be doing a Televised Psychiatry thingy.  Which means that she’s going to be on the tellie so I can talk to her like on Skype.

So, today has been a long day for me.  I’ve been trying to work on my patience with Okaasan because she is slow and old and probably going to die within the next 20 years.  We hit up National Thrift Store Chain to look for a new computer chair because Okaasan is fat and broke it.  No joke, her weight broke the chair.  I’m not saying this to be mean, I am stating a fact.  Anyway, I ran inside because I am fast and Okaasan takes forever.  I was getting antsy and was pretty much done with shopping and running around by this point.

Side Note: Where I live, there are two seasons.  Winter and Road Construction.  It’s not Winter, so it’s Road Construction.  It’s a lot of noise that even my headphones can’t block, with random detours and it’s just really upsetting for me.  I can’t wait to move to a place that isn’t like this.

So, I go in and Okaasan ends up having to use the bathroom.  I told her there was no chairs and she went to check for herself.  I told her that I needed to leave and she brushed me off.  I asked for car keys and was told that I needed to stop behaving like a child.  I’m not proud of what I did next, but I chewed her out.  I asked her why she can’t just accept that when I’m done I’m done.  I told her I have a hard time in the store with her because she’s always asking me stuff and I can’t wear headphones and listen to her at the same time.  Okaasan has been around me for most of my life and she knows I’m like this.  I can’t help it.

I ended up getting her out the door (after I bought a few books because I have a book addiction) and dropped it.  I still had to run into Gross Big Box Retailer for cat food and toilet paper, along with a few other randomly thrown in things.  I was not being the bird in the waterfall.  I was spazzing hard core.  I was very anxious and by the time I got home I was 198% done.

However, the one good thing that came out of today’s experience was that I finally realized that my own mother doesn’t know me well at all.  She thinks that I’m impulsive and anxiety driven.  Yes, I’m a very anxious person.  Being around her makes me anxious.  When I’m shopping and I’m not having to deal with her, I’m very goal oriented and able to think logically and reasonably.  It makes me sad to know that Okaasan has such a weirdly warped view of me because her presence is anxiety inducing for me.

I’m not saying she’s a bad mother.  I’m not saying she’s a good mother either.  That’s not the point of this post.  I want to point out that she doesn’t know me and doesn’t really try to either.  I’ve listened to her about all these negative things about me that she perceives and it’s life changing to realize, after all these years thinking she was right, that she’s actually very wrong.  Hell, I was just talking to Charon about how my mother wrote that I’m a very anxious person and that I didn’t have all these problems that I do have on the forms Argon wanted her to do.

I told Charon that Okaasan had said that I was impulsive and not very logical.  I told Charon that she was wrong because clearly my own mother must be right.  I feel very bad that I was so adamant yet I was so wrong.  I have to disregard what Okaasan thinks of me in order to actually improve my life, so that I can have a Life More Worth Living.  And that makes me sad.

I guess the moral of the story is that even if someone has known you for a long time, that doesn’t mean that they actually know anything about you.  It’s funny, in a way, because of the post I just made about ‘seeing’ people.  Just because someone sees you, doesn’t mean they ‘see’ you.

I’m lucky to have such wonderful people like Charon and Kuma-chan in my life.  Even though Charon has only known me for a short while, I feel like she makes a big effort to ‘see’ me and to let me know that she does.  I think it takes a very skilled therapist to do that and not break any boundaries.

Kuma-chan ‘sees’ me and she is one of the few people I can trust to not lie about what she ‘sees’.   She and I are on equal terms and she’s someone I know I can go to for advice.  She’s a rare and compassionate soul.  Mama Bear also tries to ‘see’ me, I think, but I can’t say too much about that because I haven’t had as much interaction with her as Kuma-chan.  However, Mama Bear is second only to Kuma-chan on my list.   I’m very grateful for them.

So, even though Okaasan doesn’t see me, I have awesome people who do.  And that makes me happy.  I hope you have awesome people like that in your lives, too.

I ‘see’ you.

-The Sarcastic Autist