The Journey of Now

Greetings, friends!  There is a storm outside currently.  It’s been very humid and hot today as well.  However, I am doing much better than I was yesterday.  The gist of my 4th of July was that it was loud and busy and very stimulating and anxiety inducing.  I’m so glad it’s over.  I’m still bloated and gross feeling from having eaten some dairy and egg products.  I’ve also been trying to kill a migraine that’s attempting to crop up.

I may have mentioned this before, but prior to starting DBT and studying Buddhism, I was a very unhappy person.  I was taking medication for depression and anxiety, but I was still living in a fog.  Once I started actively doing this blog and practicing Mindfulness, I slowly, but surely, began to be a much happier and peaceful person.  I am not as angry.  I am not as depressed or anxious.  I am a bit more patient.  I am still very much someone who wants others to be happy, though.

It hurts my heart to see other people unhappy and suffering.  I know what it’s like to suffer.  I still have long moments of suffering and terrifying nightmares from which I can barely wake from.  The big difference is that I know suffering doesn’t have to be a constant now.  I know that I alone have the power to choose how much I suffer.  If someone says a hurtful thing to me or does something mean, I can choose whether or not I dwell on it.

I’ve learned that people who lash out in anger or hatred tend to have a lot of suffering in their hearts and knowing that makes me want to banish their darkness.  I don’t have that kind of power.  I am not a therapist.  I am not a very good verbal speaker.  All I am is human.  One of my top ideologies is that every being deserves compassion and understanding.  So, while I can’t force someone to be nicer to me or not to be a dick, I can return their negativity with a smile and with words of love.  Or at least not start a fighting match with them.

I’m still really struggling to understand emotions and to identify what emotions I am feeling.  Like Charon has mentioned in the past, there is a huge disconnect in my logic and emotion mind set.  I tend to approach things in a logical and concise way.  Hell, Kuma-chan called me Spock the other day.  I believe a huge reason as to why I’ve made such strides on being a much more Zen person is that I’ve stopped trying to dismiss my emotions as frivolous and impeding and just accepted that they exist and don’t need to control my life or my behavior.

I do have emotions and I’m a very emotional person.  I am also emotionally stunted and don’t understand how or why my emotions need to be in balance with my reasoning in order to be in the desired state of Wise Mind.  It’s a confusing idea and process for me to try and grasp.  Whether or not it’s because of the Autism, I don’t know.  I do think it’s something I should bring up to Charon next time I see her.

I wish I could just stop being so Willful and argumentative.  I know the only one holding me back is me.  Last night, I had a dream about storms and cycles of death and despair.  It was only when someone chose to sacrifice themselves and stop the mindlessness and madness, did the cycle finally stop and time started to move forward.  It was quite terrifying and yet I keep thinking about it.  What am I holding onto that is keeping me from moving forward?  What is within my heart of hearts that is impeding my progress towards a Life More Worth Living?

I’ve come a long way from who I was a year ago.  I’ve come a long way from who I was a month ago.  I am still growing and learning and becoming a much more Zen and peaceful person.  Toadie Oadie mentioned that she hopes that I allow my inner light to shine, or something along those lines.  It’s not an exact quote.  My point being, I do feel like I’ve become a much warmer person.  It’s like I have an inner fire that used to be just a little ember waiting to die and now I have a fire to fill a lantern and then some.

And not to sound too narcissistic or self-centered, but I like to think that, as my own fire grows, I can help others to light and nurture their own flames.  After all, I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help and light of other people.  Sometimes, I think I forget to be grateful for how much others have helped me throughout the years.  I forget to be grateful for the pain and suffering, for the love and joy, the anger and the regret.  Every moment of my life, every emotion, every person, every experience.  These are what have shaped me into who I am today.

I am not who I was a year ago.  I am not who I was 10 years ago.  Hell, I’m not even who I was yesterday.  I can’t keep living with one foot in the past going ‘if only I had done this’.  Neither can I keep looking into the future going ‘what if I do that’.  It’s maddening to live a life of ‘what ifs’ and ‘should/could/would’.  That’s not the kind of person I want to be.

I can look in the past and appreciate the journeys I’ve already completed.  I can look into the future and anticipate the paths I want to take.  But I only want to look back on what I did and to look forward to what I will do.  However, I want to live in what I’m doing.  I want to be able to appreciate what I’m doing now, in this moment.  I want to feel the joy and the sadness of the Now.

Because the first moment of the future starts Now.  Because the last bits of the past ends Now.  Because Now is the only moment in which I can truly exist.

Because Now is my journey.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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