Oi! It’s always so nice and refreshing to come online every night and write a post about my thoughts for the day. It gives me time to process. It also gives me a safe place to bitch about my day. For example, today I had an asthma attack. We ended up driving though some smoke on the way home from taking one of my uncle’s to his house from the airport. I held my breath once I tasted the smoke, but by then it’s already trickled into my lungs a bit and now I’m all shaky and I hate it. I also get headaches with my inhaler. On the brightside: I got some new vegan cheese that tastes considerably less plasticy than the previous brand I tried.
I’m going to apologize in advance because this post is going to be short. Maybe I should make auxiliary posts in case a medical situation like this comes up again. I’ll make a note of it.
So, I skipped group today to go with Okaasan to the airport. I needed more ramen and she said she’d take me on the way home to get some. I also need more kimchi, but that’s besides the point. After we picked up Uncle Ohio, I began to notice myself getting aggravated at his talk of my cousin and her daughter. I don’t say this often, but I hate them. I really hate them. They lived with us for a bit and I hated them then too.
The cousin is a few years older than me and the daughter is less than half my age. When they were living with us, they were entitled and spoiled and were just very awful guests and people in general. I actual completely forgot they even existed until Okaasan brought them up. I don’t normally hate people, with the exception of Adele.
Most occassions, such as with Exacerbating Ex, I can recognize the pain and suffering and the mental illness that can cause less than favourable behavior from someone. I can be a bit irritated, but never for long. Cousin Bitch and her daughter, Bitch Junior, are two people that I never got over hating and having such an intense anger and hate towards people that I actually have met and have known is rare. I can’t think of anyone else I’ve been this way towards before.
I caught myself saying that I shouldn’t hate them, and did put myself gently on the path of “my feelings are valid and I have a right to feel what I feel because emotions can’t be wrong” but I don’t really think my hatred is effective and it’s keeping me in a dark place. Mostly because I’m obsessing over why and how I can have such strong negative feelings towards someone.
It’s not a feeling I enjoy having. I want to write this down in my Diary Card because this feeling is beyond what I think I can handle on my own. And when I feel such strong feelings, I tend to distract myself until they are no longer an issue. It’s not a healthy way to deal with shit, let me tell you.
I can’t think of anything else to write at this moment because I am super tired. It’s late and asthma attacks take a lot out of me.
-The Sarcastic Autist