Depression

Ola.  My asthma is doing tons better today, so much so that I went out and played Pokemon Go for a bit.  I’m also bloated and probably constipated or something.  I should see a doctor because it’s been going on since I’ve started taking probiotics.  I’m not going to put them in the next week’s pill set so I can see if cutting off the probiotics helps stop this bloating.  Or maybe I should lay off the kimchi.  No, no, I’m going to keep eating kimchi because I fucking love kimchi.

Anyway, I’m feeling depressed as of late.  I feel like I’m back in a rut and I’ve been stuck in the house with limited outside contact and oh my various heathen gods.  I’m probably depressed because I’ve been stuck in the house the last couple of days due to asthma problems.  I also decreased my vitamin D supplements.

But yeah, I’ve been feeling depressed lately.  I’ve had more urges to purge the last couple of days than I have in a long long time.  I haven’t, but it’s worrisome that these thoughts are starting to invade my mind again.  I want to go back to being a happy and joyful person.

Charon is going to be on vacation for this next week.  I don’t see her again until the 18th.  I’m also dealing with a lot of really (in my opinion) ridiculous stressful situations, such as that thing with Argon totally getting thrown out of proportion.  And my psychiatrist is leaving for the East Coast and I won’t be seeing her in person anymore, rather I’ll be seeing her on a TV instead.  Okaasan doesn’t seem to understand why I want to go back to school and try and get a job.  I’m trying to go back to school and get a job.

Okaasan is also trying to dictate when I take Neko-chan to the vet.  I need medical supplies and can’t afford both the vet and my medical stuff.  She had the nerve to tell me that I didn’t need to spend money on things from Awesome Veggie Market.  These things are vegan and therefore it was the first time in a long time I didn’t get sick from eating cheese-flavoured crackers or from eating cheese.  I will admit, I do spend money on frivolous things.  I got a couple of shirts and a new notebook and some pencils I could have waited on.

However, how I spend my money is my choice, and I hate how she thinks she knows better than me.  She buys, literally, hundreds of dollars of junk food and candies and carbonated beverages a month.  She doesn’t always pay her bills.  I always pay my bills first and then I can worry about extra stuff like junk food and candies and carbonated beverages.  I just find it very hypocritical of her to be judging me on my purchases when I don’t bring up what she wastes money on each month.

Okay, full disclosure: my mother may not be the worst mum, but she isn’t a good mum either.  It still bothers me, years later, how this one time the cable got turned off and she called and said that her daughter was special needs and needed the TV.  Okaasan pulls shit like that now.  She’ll say things like “The Sarcastic Autist needs to take her meds, so we have to leave” or “The Sarcastic Autist doesn’t like such functions, so we’ll pass”.  And yes, she’ll say these things without consulting me.  I don’t like her using me as a scapegoat.

I have a lot of issues with her.  That’s why I call her by her first name a majority of the time instead of such things like “mother” or “mum”.  I’m getting all worked up again over this and it’s not worth it.  She’s not going to admit she’s wrong or try to change or even go to therapy.  I’m not as helpless as she makes me out to be, nor am I anything like what she thinks I am.  It makes me sad to say so, but it’s true.  My own mother knows nothing about me.  She knows less than Jon Snow.

Anyway, I think I’m gonna go watch Fairy Tail and regret everything I’ve done the last few days, including eating that s’more because the chocolate wasn’t vegan.

Later,

The Sarcastic Autist

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2 thoughts on “Depression

  1. I am sorry that you are currently going through this and I hope you can find a way out of it soon. As for your mother you may not ever be able to change how she does or says things but hopefully, one day, you will be on your own and not have to deal with her shit. I’ll talk to you more on chat…now, lol. love you

    Liked by 1 person

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