Depression and a Life More Worth Living

Konnichiwa, everyone!  I’m still playing Pokemon Go and I’m starting to think it’s slowly becoming a temporary Tunnel Vision Project.  I’m probably going to be obsessing over Pokemon for a while.  Oh well.  I got a new tattoo today.  I also skipped church.  Past that, nothing really new.  I studied a bit like I do every day.  Neko-chan woke me up meowing.  I’m starving and I will probably grab a bit to eat after posting this.  Most likely ramen.

So, as you all know, I’ve been a bit depressed lately.  Depression is like a heavy hollowness inside my heart.  I even found myself thinking about why I continue to try, even if it all seems pointless and nothing I do is worthwhile or important.  I feel like the small everyday things that I do that give me a sense of victory, like tying my shoes or writing legibly, I feel like they are insanely stupid and I’m stupid for getting all excited about being able to do those things.

Most of all, I was beginning to wonder why I even bother.  Kuma-chan and Mama Bear both love me and I’m very grateful and full of love for them as well. I love my cat and know she loves me.  However, these loves are the loves of friendship and family.  I cannot find love for myself.  Sometimes, I even fail to have like towards me.  Most of the time, it’s indifference.

If I don’t like someone, I tend to avoid them or I just don’t interact with them beyond what is necessary.  I can’t exactly do that with myself.  I have the sort of self-contempt that you would think someone as awesome and fantastic as me wouldn’t be able to comprehend.  When I think of these things, I feel a black spot in my soul that makes me feel like I’ll never be free of my own self-hatred.

Yes, I try my best to be Compassionate and Understanding to others.  I try to always incorporate Authenticity, Progressiveness, and Kindness into my daily routines and with my interactions with others.  I want to make the world happy and peaceful and Zen, even if I can’t find it within myself to be those things.   I force myself to be the image of unending smiles and laughs and adorkableness that everyone seems to have associated with me.  Even if I live in darkness, I want everyone else to see the light that exists.

I know that sounds like I’m making myself out to have a pity party and that I’m painting myself to be a victim of some sort.  And I kind of am.  But I wanted to show you what I feel when I’m depressed.   This is just a small depression spell.  I’ve had much longer and much harder periods where I was suicidal and self-injurious.

The Dalai Lama or the Buddha once stated :  True change comes from within.  The past few months, since I began this blog, I have really worked hard to improve on myself.  I’ve taken huge steps towards having a Life More Worth Living.  And I’ve also realized that A Life More Worth Living isn’t a destination, it’s a journey.

It all started with Charon telling me that I can do things.  Then I started questioning whether or not I could.  Then I began trying.  I make really slow progress, in my opinion.  My various heathen gods, I thought I’d have a job by now and my own place.  I set unrealistic goals with unrealistic timelines that may be suitable for people who aren’t me, who don’t have all the issues Autism brings to the table.

However, unlike that asshole guest pastor who, a few months back, said that addicts and the mentally ill are lazy and perfectly capable of getting jobs if they got over themselves, I realize that I am not actually lazy.  I just have a bit more difficulties doing things that the average person my age can do.  It doesn’t help that I have several years of social skills and real world knowledge to catch up on and a mother who is very controlling and narcissistic.  I do believe I can do it, though.

I can tie my shoes in under 5 minutes.  I can draw complex things and do a daily blog without missing a day. I’ve managed to regularly attend therapy and group and make and maintain friendships with people.  I’ve even been able to keep my stutter under control, for the most part.  Not to mention the enormous amount of weight I’ve lost.

There are things I will probably never be able to do.  That’s okay.  There are things I can do that other people can’t.  I have a real problem comparing myself to others.  Okaasan and the rest of the family tend to compare my cousin with low-functioning Autism and me.  It’s quite frustrating and my self-esteem takes a hit everytime they say something along the lines of “why haven’t you done X yet” or “you can’t do that”.  It’s like I’m not even my own person when I’m talking to any of them, including Okaasan.

Especially Okaasan.   I hate to admit it, but I take what she says to heart a lot of the time because she’s my mother and she’s supposed to know me.  She doesn’t know me at all.  She doesn’t understand that my anxiety and depression are by-products of the Autism.  She doesn’t understand that I can’t filter out noises and sounds and different conversations.  She expects me to be a certain way and I’m not like that.  I’m also not as helpless as she makes me out to be.

I know. I’m 25 and I’m complaining about my mother and my depression.  It’s time I start talking about the positive things I’ve been doing.  I’ve been starting to ignore Okaasan and her hurtful words more.  I take time each day to review and analyse what happened and what I felt so I can cope better in the future.  I do my best to be mindful in everything I do.

And I still find a way to show others that I love them.  I believe that I’ll eventually come to love myself in a genuine manner.  Change comes from within.  If I keep being reflective and work on myself and stop setting unrealistic standards, I think I’ll come out on top.  However, today I have a Life More Worth Living than yesterday.  I have a Life More Worth Living than this morning.  Every minute, every second I’m alive I have an opportunity to make my own life More Worth Living.  I also have an opportunity to make others lives More Worth Living.

I just need to remember that it’s the journey, not the destination.  This is my Life More Worth Living.  This is the path I choose to follow.  This is my journey.  This is my change from within.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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4 thoughts on “Depression and a Life More Worth Living

  1. I know you already know these things but I’m gonna say them anyway cause my group says it good to say things to other people even if they already assume it. It is still good to hear it.

    I ‘See’ You. I believe you. You are perfectly valid to have these emotions and I commend you for accepting and analyzing them and continuing to strive forward. You have made so much progress this past year, even Mama Bear noticed. I just want you to know that we recognize how hard you have worked this past year and we truly admire you. I feel like a proud parent, lol. While your mother might not be able to notice these things you know you can. Keep doing whatever you can for yourself and prove them all wrong.

    Romantic Love will come to you one day. It might be hard now given the lack of social situations happen around you but it get there. You’ll get a job and your own place when it is the right time. You have come so far and you will continue to go further.

    Keep moving forward. I don’t know if you feel this way but when I am in a depression spell I feel like I’m just moving through the motions and they don’t even matter. They do though, and by continuing to do it I’m able to pull myself out. Thanks to talking things out with you, and doing the habitica task I feel like I’ve been able to deal with my own anxiety and depression. I feel like I too can concur things when I have the right support.

    I am sorry that you are still currently feeling this way. It’s a sucky thing. But I will be here for you every step of the way as you go through it, I will be there with you when you are over it, and I will be there with you for everything else.

    ♥♥♥

    Liked by 2 people

    • It seems most of what I would have said has already been said.

      I will say that I feel that you are developing skills that I need to get started on. Namely just letting go of negative self talk and what certain people have to say about me. Learned helplessness is a tough nut to crack even when you recognize it for what it is. And trying to sort out what is really your disorder/disability versus what everyone – including yourself – is telling you is a difficult process. But you know, you have that process well under way.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve always tried to be independent, but somehow everyone else decided that I have what I call “little sister syndrome”. Basically, I’m awesome on my own, but people keep seeing me as some helpless little kid who needs to be protected. It’s finally asserting myself as an individual capable of flossing every day that got people to realize that I’m not a lost cause. It’s weird that such a silly little thing is what has people changing their minds.

        I will highly suggest reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It’s a pretty good read and has a lot of good points that I twist to suit my own interests and needs.

        Liked by 1 person

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