Konnichiwa, everyone! I’m still playing Pokemon Go and I’m starting to think it’s slowly becoming a temporary Tunnel Vision Project. I’m probably going to be obsessing over Pokemon for a while. Oh well. I got a new tattoo today. I also skipped church. Past that, nothing really new. I studied a bit like I do every day. Neko-chan woke me up meowing. I’m starving and I will probably grab a bit to eat after posting this. Most likely ramen.
So, as you all know, I’ve been a bit depressed lately. Depression is like a heavy hollowness inside my heart. I even found myself thinking about why I continue to try, even if it all seems pointless and nothing I do is worthwhile or important. I feel like the small everyday things that I do that give me a sense of victory, like tying my shoes or writing legibly, I feel like they are insanely stupid and I’m stupid for getting all excited about being able to do those things.
Most of all, I was beginning to wonder why I even bother. Kuma-chan and Mama Bear both love me and I’m very grateful and full of love for them as well. I love my cat and know she loves me. However, these loves are the loves of friendship and family. I cannot find love for myself. Sometimes, I even fail to have like towards me. Most of the time, it’s indifference.
If I don’t like someone, I tend to avoid them or I just don’t interact with them beyond what is necessary. I can’t exactly do that with myself. I have the sort of self-contempt that you would think someone as awesome and fantastic as me wouldn’t be able to comprehend. When I think of these things, I feel a black spot in my soul that makes me feel like I’ll never be free of my own self-hatred.
Yes, I try my best to be Compassionate and Understanding to others. I try to always incorporate Authenticity, Progressiveness, and Kindness into my daily routines and with my interactions with others. I want to make the world happy and peaceful and Zen, even if I can’t find it within myself to be those things. I force myself to be the image of unending smiles and laughs and adorkableness that everyone seems to have associated with me. Even if I live in darkness, I want everyone else to see the light that exists.
I know that sounds like I’m making myself out to have a pity party and that I’m painting myself to be a victim of some sort. And I kind of am. But I wanted to show you what I feel when I’m depressed. This is just a small depression spell. I’ve had much longer and much harder periods where I was suicidal and self-injurious.
The Dalai Lama or the Buddha once stated : True change comes from within. The past few months, since I began this blog, I have really worked hard to improve on myself. I’ve taken huge steps towards having a Life More Worth Living. And I’ve also realized that A Life More Worth Living isn’t a destination, it’s a journey.
It all started with Charon telling me that I can do things. Then I started questioning whether or not I could. Then I began trying. I make really slow progress, in my opinion. My various heathen gods, I thought I’d have a job by now and my own place. I set unrealistic goals with unrealistic timelines that may be suitable for people who aren’t me, who don’t have all the issues Autism brings to the table.
However, unlike that asshole guest pastor who, a few months back, said that addicts and the mentally ill are lazy and perfectly capable of getting jobs if they got over themselves, I realize that I am not actually lazy. I just have a bit more difficulties doing things that the average person my age can do. It doesn’t help that I have several years of social skills and real world knowledge to catch up on and a mother who is very controlling and narcissistic. I do believe I can do it, though.
I can tie my shoes in under 5 minutes. I can draw complex things and do a daily blog without missing a day. I’ve managed to regularly attend therapy and group and make and maintain friendships with people. I’ve even been able to keep my stutter under control, for the most part. Not to mention the enormous amount of weight I’ve lost.
There are things I will probably never be able to do. That’s okay. There are things I can do that other people can’t. I have a real problem comparing myself to others. Okaasan and the rest of the family tend to compare my cousin with low-functioning Autism and me. It’s quite frustrating and my self-esteem takes a hit everytime they say something along the lines of “why haven’t you done X yet” or “you can’t do that”. It’s like I’m not even my own person when I’m talking to any of them, including Okaasan.
Especially Okaasan. I hate to admit it, but I take what she says to heart a lot of the time because she’s my mother and she’s supposed to know me. She doesn’t know me at all. She doesn’t understand that my anxiety and depression are by-products of the Autism. She doesn’t understand that I can’t filter out noises and sounds and different conversations. She expects me to be a certain way and I’m not like that. I’m also not as helpless as she makes me out to be.
I know. I’m 25 and I’m complaining about my mother and my depression. It’s time I start talking about the positive things I’ve been doing. I’ve been starting to ignore Okaasan and her hurtful words more. I take time each day to review and analyse what happened and what I felt so I can cope better in the future. I do my best to be mindful in everything I do.
And I still find a way to show others that I love them. I believe that I’ll eventually come to love myself in a genuine manner. Change comes from within. If I keep being reflective and work on myself and stop setting unrealistic standards, I think I’ll come out on top. However, today I have a Life More Worth Living than yesterday. I have a Life More Worth Living than this morning. Every minute, every second I’m alive I have an opportunity to make my own life More Worth Living. I also have an opportunity to make others lives More Worth Living.
I just need to remember that it’s the journey, not the destination. This is my Life More Worth Living. This is the path I choose to follow. This is my journey. This is my change from within.
-The Sarcastic Autist