Genki da ne! I hope you are all happy and healthy! I’m feeling a lot less depressed today, probably because I got plenty of rest and took a nice, Zen shower. My cat, Neko-chan, is being a prissy little bitch. She’s constantly demanding treats. It’s not time yet and she damn well knows it. My tattoo is a lot less painful and my hair is rather short because I buzzed it again. I have no idea how much shampoo to use on this level of hair. Like, a tiny dime size or what? I also have to see the gynecologist on Thursday because I’ve been having female issues and a lot of Endometriosis symptoms too. It’s frustrating because I thought I was past all this and also because if I need surgery, I am going to either A) stay in the hospital for recovery so any drugs are administered to me properly or B) go without meds. No point worrying now, though. Nothing to be done.
Anywho, you know how much I love my Anime? Well, lately I’ve been rewatching Fairy Tail and Natsu, one of the main protagonists, said something in this episode that always strikes a chord deep within my soul. He says “So long as I’m alive, I will stand and fight. If I’m out of magic power, I’ll borrow from tomorrow’s or next week’s”. It’s not an exact translation, but it’s close enough.
What I take from it is that no matter how tired or worn out or depressed or anxious or whatever, so long as I am alive, I can push myself to do what needs to be done. If I don’t have the energy today, I will use tomorrow’s to survive. I can’t just lay down and be defeated by own demons or the demons others have thrust upon me. I have to stand up and fight them. For I am still alive.
I know I can always count on my friends to give me support and they know that they can count on me for support. In all honesty, without my friends, I would still be in that depressive fog I was in at the beginning of the year. They gave me the energy and the self-confidence to realize that I can do things. The quality of our friendship fills me with much hope for the future. They looked at me and saw what I really am, an awesome and inspiring individual who is capable of doing shit.
I know this is probably something that sounds pretty gay, talking about the power of friendship. Part of what had me so depressed lately was that I don’t really have any offline friends that I can hang out with on a regular basis. I had also allowed a certain individual (Exacerbating Ex, cough cough) to isolate me from all my friends for the past few years, so it’s rather hard for me to try and gain new friendships. With the advent of Pokemon Go, which has been shown to improve the mental health of people who play it, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get involved into a lot more social activities.
I tend to rely on other people for motivation. I want to work on using my own power to fix my problems and not have to constantly look for a ‘grown-up’s’ help. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with asking for help, because there isn’t. I am saying that I’m alive and it’s up to me to stay alive and to stand tall and be strong. I can get help from others. There’s no shame in admitting when one is weak. I’m just not as weak as I used to be. I’m not as weak as I tend to think I am, either.
Knowing my limitations is what’s going to make me a stronger person in the long run. I’ve just started my amazing Path to a Life More Worth Living. There’s no rush in getting all my shit together and being an awesome and amazing self-reliant person right the fuck now. I know that if I start off trying to do all these things I want to do, I will end up not being able to do a damn thing.
I also know that I tend to want to get everything done as fast as possible and then I burn out or get overwhelmed and quit. I’m probably going to end up overdoing it a few times and failing. But, so long as I’m alive, I can stand up and try again. So long as I’m alive, it’s not failure, it’s a learning experience.
Yeah, I’m going to need help along the way. When someone goes on a quest in video games, there are often wise elders or weird witch ladies who aid the hero in the quest. Isn’t life the same basic thing? We sometimes need to turn to others and community is a large part of what makes us human, at least according to my therapist.
Okay, I think I’m getting off track a bit and also I am tired. I am thinking I might go to bed soon.
First, a summary: So long as our hearts beat, we can find the energy to stand and survive. Needing help to do so isn’t shameful nor does it mean that our success isn’t as meaningful. Needing help from others is just what humans do and it’s how we’ve survived as a species so far. One person standing alone can accomplish a lot, but that same person with friends and loved ones standing with them can accomplish anything.
We can stand. We can fight. We can live for another day.
-The Sarcastic Autist