Hey guys and gals and people who don’t adhere to gender norms! I got the results of the tests from yesterday and my thyroid is okie dokie for that test, negative for infections and negative for STDs. So, yeah, that’s all very good news. Bad news is that we still don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me and also my yearly summer rashes are getting worse. I’ve literally tried every ointment that won’t make me break out it hives. Oh well, shit happens. Oh, I’ve got testing rescheduled to redo with another person. It’s not until November and I’m a bit pissy about it because I feel like I’m being punished for speaking up about Argon bullying me about my tic thing. *deep breath* It’s chill. All is chill. All is Zen.
I have a confession to make. Since the little fiasco that was yesterday at the Social Security Building, I’ve been feeling rather depressed and have been thinking terrible thoughts towards myself. Mostly along the lines that I’m a worthless piece of garbage who can’t handle 5 minutes in a room with people talking at normal levels. Also that I stutter like a little bitch.
You know what I say when I have these thoughts? “Hey, Sarcastic Autist, you need to relax. Shit happens. This is not how someone who doesn’t treat their life as insignificant thinks.” At the same time, this is not an effective way to react. I just cycle myself deeper into a hole of black sadness and shame and invalidate my own feelings.
Freedom isn’t free. Isn’t that what they always say? Sounds weird, doesn’t it? It reminds me of an episode in Fairy Tail where Jellal tells Erza that there is no freedom to be had anywhere. Erza later responds that only Jellal can free himself from his demons, or something along those lines.
What I feel like I’m doing, when I react with such criticism of my own actions, is that I’m only serving to shackle myself up to future failures. I’m not offering any constructive solutions. I’m just berating myself for thinking/acting/believing/feeling/etc certain ways. If someone else were to treat me like that, I’d call them abusive. Unfortunately, I can’t break up with myself. Not that I haven’t tried.
Instead, I’m going to actively pursue allowing myself the freedom to think and feel what I want without getting on my ass about it. Yes, that means listening to the negative thoughts and negative feelings and such. However, I can also direct myself to a more effective reasoning. Example: “Yeah, yesterday totally sucked with the whole crying and stuttering. I feel like a little pussy ass bitch and a pretty pathetic person. It’s okay to feel like this. I can also work with Charon so I can better cope with similar situations in the future. I need to process the why I feel like this as well, get into the logistics of it. Like Charon always says, there’s a reason behind every feeling. They don’t just crop up out of nowhere.”
Let’s break this down together, shall we? I feel ashamed because I see my stutter as something that a person who has their shit together wouldn’t do. My stutter, to me, acts as a further barrier when it comes to communicating to other people verbally. I feel ashamed because I have this out-dated ideology that I shouldn’t cry because that shows weakness and because other people have used fake crying as a manipulation tactic. Therefore, I don’t like to cry. I feel ashamed because I think I should be able to control my Autism symptoms, especially the sensory overload problems.
Those combined together make me feel worthless because I don’t see how someone who does those things can ever get a job and function in society. Now, that’s me thinking in Emotion Mind. If I were to think Logically, I would be able to tell myself that people stutter and I stutter more when I’m in an extreme state of any emotion, be it excitement or anxiety or happiness or confusion. It happens. People cry when they have extreme emotions such as happiness or sadness as well. I happened to be crying because it was getting to be too much and it was a choice between crying and hitting my head. I don’t have the skills to be able to handle sensory overload problems yet.
It’s okay to feel these feelings. It’s okay to feel ashamed and pathetic. There’s nothing wrong with how one feels. So long as I remember that, logically, emotions are not facts and that once I reach a stage of calmness after such emotional strain I can think logically again and know that it’s not my fault and sometimes shit just happens, I will be okay.
Emotions are not facts. Thoughts and beliefs are not facts. Only Reality is fact. And Freedom lies in Reality. In a round-a-bout way, this is how freedom isn’t free. It’s hard work and dedication to free one’s self from the confines of, for lack of a better word, delusions. Delusions are not facts. Delusions trap us in little cages and little boxes and make us blind to the pretty shades of grey that is Reality. If I were to allow myself to only fester in my own negativity and not seek a way to have a Life More Worth Living, I would be treating my own life as insignificant.
I’m not an insignificant person. I have my own thoughts and feelings the same as you. You are not an insignificant person. You have your own beliefs and behaviors the same as me. Realizing that I am not insignificant because I my own person and I can’t compare myself to others has been a huge step for me. I am not the same as others and yet I am the same as others.
Like ToadieOdie said once long ago, Normal is Relative. I am normal for me. You are normal for you. No two snowflakes are the same, and all that. And it takes a bunch of snow to create a beautiful winter scene.
I’m working hard to give myself an ever improving Life More Worth Living. I know I will see bumps and mountains and valleys as I continue on this journey. I know that it will be difficult and that I’ll want to give up. My own life is not insignificant and by moving forward I am proving, not only to myself, but to others that there is nothing we can’t deal with.
When we treat our lives as something to cherish and to hold onto, we free ourselves from the ill-conceived notions that we are no one. We are Significant and we can be Free.
-The Sarcastic Autist