Okay guys, I just need to vent.
My mother just tried to put all this blame on me for something that I believe we are equal parts responsible for. It was about getting her crock pot out of the fridge. I can’t deal with it anymore because there’s mold in it (ew, I know) and that will set off my asthma. My asthma which has been very fucky lately.
I tried to communicate this to her and I feel like she reacted very angrily. She said that I should have taken it out however long ago like I said I would. I have no memory of saying I would. I’m not saying she’s lying, I’m saying I just don’t remember. Because, even if I did say that I’d take out that gross fucker, she knows better than to just assume that I’d remember on my own. Before I started using Habitica, there were days I’d forget to shower or take my meds. It’s an Executive Function skill or something retarded like that.
Anyway, I ended up going on a rant about how I have a very different way of communicating with people than she does. I don’t understand body language and I rarely make eye contact and vocal tones and such are mysteries to me. I told her that when I try and explain how I view the situation and how I feel, I’m really just trying to verify that I’m understanding what’s going on correctly.
Because, honestly, I’m a pretty big idiot when it comes to stuff like relationships and communication and peopling. It’s frustrating when I try to work on that and my own mother starts in on how I’m always the bad guy. She tried to pull that I was calling her an idiot and I said no such thing. I told her that I called myself an idiot because I have the emotional intelligence of a two year old. I did tell her that it was frustrating for me to have her expect me to be able to do things when it suited her, but other times it was completely out of my skill set if it in any way benefited her to say so.
I’m my own person capable of figuring out what I can and cannot do and what I am or am not comfortable doing. I don’t need her trying to dictate my life like that. I’m very hurt that she refuses to see me as a person and just keeps seeing me as some broken toy that will never be able to do anything. It’s bad enough I see myself like that.
I’ve heard her say to me, and tell others, all the things that I can’t do. There have been plenty of things that I wanted to try such as sleep-away camp and dorm college that I wasn’t able to do because she said I wouldn’t be able to. I couldn’t go to awesome art high school that happened to have an epic special education program because she said I would skip school and I was never given the chance to try.
I know I’m whining. I feel very sad right now. A mother is supposed to love and support her children. A mother is supposed to allow a kid to make their own mistakes and to learn from them, not dictate what they can or cannot do without letting them try. I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities because I listened to my mother instead of going off on my own.
I’m also sad because I still feel like a fucktard from the other day at the Social Security Office. I feel ashamed that such a simple task had me in tears and I feel ashamed and stupid for not being able to understand the paperwork or what the lady was trying to tell me. I know there’s things I can’t do and it’s frustrating because everyone else seems to have no problem doing them. Logically, I know that I’m better at some things than other people and other people are better at somethings than me.
Emotionally, I am stuck. I am stuck on a cycle of “what the fuck is wrong with me” and I don’t know why I can’t move on because I’ve already worked it all out logically. My various heathen gods, I just hate this all so much. I’m not understanding my reaction and I’m stuck on trying to understand it. These last few months I’ve been so awesome at learning to understand myself and this is what has me stumped. Fucking emotions that aren’t following the logical steps to overcome an intense emotional reaction.
Is it just a deeper problem than I realized? Is it less of a “I couldn’t do a simple task” and more of a “this isn’t the first and this isn’t the last time I will have gotten overwhelmed and over-stimulated” and the concept of such a chronic and permanent part of myself is daunting and, in all honesty, depressing? I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue life knowing that.
It’s one thing to realize that I spaz/stim and it releases stress and that it’s a totally normal and legitimate behavior in both people with Autism and without. It’s another thing to realize that day-to-day tasks and ordinary scenarios are beyond my ability to cope and most likely will always be just out of my reach.
I know I’m not supposed to treat my own life as insignificant. But when all I feel is hopelessness and shame, I don’t see how my life isn’t pathetic and worthless.
My logic is flawed and maybe if I find the error in the equation, I can fix how I feel. After all, I’m only human.
-The Sarcastic Autist