Vent: tumultuous emotions

Okay guys, I just need to vent.

My mother just tried to put all this blame on me for something that I believe we are equal parts responsible for.  It was about getting her crock pot out of the fridge.  I can’t deal with it anymore because there’s mold in it (ew, I know) and that will set off my asthma.  My asthma which has been very fucky lately.

I tried to communicate this to her and I feel like she reacted very angrily.  She said that I should have taken it out however long ago like I said I would.  I have no memory of saying I would.  I’m not saying she’s lying, I’m saying I just don’t remember.  Because, even if I did say that I’d take out that gross fucker, she knows better than to just assume that I’d remember on my own.  Before I started using Habitica, there were days I’d forget to shower or take my meds.  It’s an Executive Function skill or something retarded like that.

Anyway, I ended up going on a rant about how I have a very different way of communicating with people than she does.  I don’t understand body language and I rarely make eye contact and vocal tones and such are mysteries to me.  I told her that when I try and explain how I view the situation and how I feel, I’m really just trying to verify that I’m understanding what’s going on correctly.

Because, honestly, I’m a pretty big idiot when it comes to stuff like relationships and communication and peopling.  It’s frustrating when I try to work on that and my own mother starts in on how I’m always the bad guy.  She tried to pull that I was calling her an idiot and I said no such thing.  I told her that I called myself an idiot because I have the emotional intelligence of a two year old.  I did tell her that it was frustrating for me to have her expect me to be able to do things when it suited her, but other times it was completely out of my skill set if it in any way benefited her to say so.

I’m my own person capable of figuring out what I can and cannot do and what I am or am not comfortable doing.  I don’t need her trying to dictate my life like that.  I’m very hurt that she refuses to see me as a person and just keeps seeing me as some broken toy that will never be able to do anything.  It’s bad enough I see myself like that.

I’ve heard her say to me, and tell others, all the things that I can’t do.  There have been plenty of things that I wanted to try such as sleep-away camp and dorm college that I wasn’t able to do because she said I wouldn’t be able to.  I couldn’t go to awesome art high school that happened to have an epic special education program because she said I would skip school and I was never given the chance to try.

I know I’m whining.  I feel very sad right now.  A mother is supposed to love and support her children.  A mother is supposed to allow a kid to make their own mistakes and to learn from them, not dictate what they can or cannot do without letting them try.  I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities because I listened to my mother instead of going off on my own.

I’m also sad because I still feel like a fucktard from the other day at the Social Security Office.  I feel ashamed that such a simple task had me in tears and I feel ashamed and stupid for not being able to understand the paperwork or what the lady was trying to tell me.  I know there’s things I can’t do and it’s frustrating because everyone else seems to have no problem doing them.  Logically, I know that I’m better at some things than other people and other people are better at somethings than me.

Emotionally, I am stuck.  I am stuck on a cycle of “what the fuck is wrong with me” and I don’t know why I can’t move on because I’ve already worked it all out logically.  My various heathen gods, I just hate this all so much.  I’m not understanding my reaction and I’m stuck on trying to understand it.  These last few months I’ve been so awesome at learning to understand myself and this is what has me stumped.  Fucking emotions that aren’t following the logical steps to overcome an intense emotional reaction.

Is it just a deeper problem than I realized?  Is it less of a “I couldn’t do a simple task” and more of a “this isn’t the first and this isn’t the last time I will have gotten overwhelmed and over-stimulated” and the concept of such a chronic and permanent part of myself is daunting and, in all honesty, depressing?  I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue life knowing that.

It’s one thing to realize that I spaz/stim and it releases stress and that it’s a totally normal and legitimate behavior in both people with Autism and without.  It’s another thing to realize that day-to-day tasks and ordinary scenarios are beyond my ability to cope and most likely will always be just out of my reach.

I know I’m not supposed to treat my own life as insignificant.  But when all I feel is hopelessness and shame, I don’t see how my life isn’t pathetic and worthless.

My logic is flawed and maybe if I find the error in the equation, I can fix how I feel.  After all, I’m only human.

-The Sarcastic Autist


9 thoughts on “Vent: tumultuous emotions

  1. It’s okay to have emotional eruptions. Your mother hurt your feelings shortly after you had a very stressful day – one that made you feel shame. This interaction with your mother added to your feeling of shame. Two really shitty things happened which made you feel shitty. Basically in a nutshell, with all the stress you are having at the moment you are experiencing a very logical emotional reaction.

    There is no flaw here. It’s part of being human and sadly it’s part of living life. I know it’s overwhelming right now. It’s like being lost at sea during a storm, isn’t it? What you need is to look for that beacon of light to guide you, to remind yourself that you got this and that you can get through it.

    Just remember that nothing will ever be perfect. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Some days we will cope well and other days we will discover that we need to learn new skills to get by. There are days we just need to power through the best we can and there are even some days we need to take a break to rest. None of this means anyone is failing – not even you. It’s just a process of figuring out what is working for you at the moment.

    And this is when I realize that I’m speaking to myself as much as I am speaking to you.

    You know you best, so it is okay to trust yourself more in figuring out what works best for you. I wish I had better advice in regards to your mother, but I’m going through similar stuff with my father. It took years for me to be able to talk to him without fighting and hurt feelings. I will say that the change started with me writing to him and letting him read it. We’re not perfect but we are at least not fighting anymore. He still hurts my feelings sometimes but at least now I know he’s coming from a place of deep worry, fear, and concern. I don’t know if that’s true of your mother, but I would like to believe that. Sometimes people express themselves horribly and it comes out all in the worst ways, even when they mean it with love – especially when fear is involved.

    If you chose to write to your mother I recommend talking to your therapist first for one. I also recommend using “I statements” like “I feel [fill in blank] because [fill in blank] and to avoid using “you statements” as much as possible. The reason for this is that “you statements” come across as attacks and put people on the defense. Once on the defense, people are no longer listening to what you are saying. On the other hand, “I statements” stay focused on what you are feeling, wanting, and needing and keep you on topic, prevent naming someone as the villain, and makes sure you say what you actually need to say. Make sure in all of this that if you do love her, that you remember to tell her that. Multiple times even. Parent guilt is real and universal – especially for mothers. We are always worried that are going to, or have, fucked up our kids. So when we have children that have disorders, disabilities, chronic illness, and crisis there is a lot of shame and blame to go around. I didn’t really understand that until my children came along. Suddenly my father really started to make sense – still drives me nuts sometimes, but at least I get it now. But just remember, and I can’t say it enough, nobody is perfect. It’s pretty clear to me that you want a better relationship with your mother otherwise I wouldn’t offer this suggestion. I’ve thought about it for several posts now. I still don’t know if this is what’s best for you, that’s why I say talk to your therapist about it if you’re interested. I just know that everyone is happier when their relationships are healthy and productive.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think my relationship with my mother will vastly improve once I move out again. It’s a lot easier to deal with stressful things when I don’t have to worry about other people adding on to that stress. I think that what I truly need right now is a vacation away from expectations and work and just everything. Time where I’m not studying or cooking or cleaning or having to take care of anyone but me and my cat. It’s very hard to get time like that with me mum. She’s never quite acted like the parent and I guess that’s where a lot of our problems are.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well there is a lot to be said about that. I have always got along better with my dad when we aren’t living together. There’s a lot of freedom in having the power to say “I’m going home now. Bye.” lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • Currently, my main power is “I can travel to the grocer’s and back in less time than it takes you to get dressed” and also the power of the air conditioner. Because it is in my room and she is forbidden to enter my room without permission.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve been there. My psychotically religious Godmother used to tell me that she would put on the Armor of God every morning so she could do all the things she needed to do. Sometimes, when I remember that, I grab my Chaz the Spaz toy and remind myself that it’s my sword and my headphones are my shield. I remind myself that I’m not dead yet so I can still fight. It doesn’t always sound as peppy as I make it. Most of the time I am afraid that I won’t be able to do what I need to.

        But it takes a lot of courage to admit when one needs help and when one feels weak. It’s when we continue to trudge along in life, despite all the shit that gets in the way, is when we are strong. I believe in you! You can do it!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I have a hard time expressing affection towards people, particularily my mother. Instead of telling her I love her, I tell her not to die. “Don’t die, Okaasan.” Shindeinai. It’s not exactly a positive statement.
        I’ll often tell myself “well, I guess I’m not dead yet, might as well do this stuff”. It doesn’t mean I like doing it. It doesn’t mean I’m happy or content or free from suffering. I just take it as “why not”. It’s a weird personal philosophy that I’ve lived by for years.

        Liked by 1 person

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