Depression and Suffering

Hello, my dear readers.  I am sitting here sipping on an iced coffee protein shake (soy milk, chilled coffee, protein powder, sweet-n-low and some coffee ice cubes in a shaker bottle).  It’s delicious and nutritious and I’ve been obsessing over these things for the last couple of days.  I feel like I have a lot more energy just from the extra protein intake.  My weight is finally dropping off after being bloated and all plateaued for a while.  I managed to go outside and that helped me feel better too. My cat with her eternal whining is not.

I do want to apologize for being so down-trodden and not doing very well on my blog posts.  I appreciate all the understanding.  Like I said yesterday, I feel like I’m starting to take on too much and I’m expecting my progress to be much faster than is reasonable.    So today, I took time to try and appreciate things that make me feel happy.  I wanted to give myself credit for all the progress I’ve made.  I didn’t give myself credit because I don’t feel like I deserve it.

Yes, my dear reader.  I couldn’t bring myself to say “good job”.  I remember the first time I went into Charon’s office, I told her that I was there because I’m so awesome, but I don’t like myself.  I still don’t.  Viewing myself as an observer, I would say that I’m an annoying little twat who doesn’t know when to sit down and shut up.  I’m harsh on my own critiques and hardly ever give myself slack.  There’s a saying that goes “we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions”.

Without going too deep into that philosophy, I have been trying to remind myself that I don’t know what goes on in other people’s heads.  I don’t know anything about a person unless I witness it or they tell me.  With myself, I know every thought and feeling and belief that passes through my heart and mind.  No one else knows my inner self.  I don’t know anyone else’s inner self.  How can I compare myself to others if I can’t do so on even ground?

I can’t.  There is no way to compare one person to another like this.  Yet I do so every day.  I take my own delusions and false beliefs about my being and hold myself to impossible standards.  I do all this under the pretense of aiming for a Life More Worth Living.  That’s not what a Life More Worth Living is.

I forget to be Authentic and true to myself, to always be honest and to try to see Reality as it really is.  I blame Autism and Depression and Anxiety for things to avoid responsibility while simultaneously trying to break free of their hold on me.  That doesn’t work.  It has never worked and it just causes imbalance and suffering.

I don’t always remember that Progressiveness isn’t just always taking new steps and discovering new skills and abilities.  It’s about mastering what I’ve already learned and taking pride in all that I’ve accomplished so far.  I disregard the progress I’ve made because I hate that I have to work towards things that come naturally to others.  That only causes more suffering and self-hate.

Most of all, I almost never act with Compassion or Kindness when I do things.  I yell and berate myself over things I would be far more understanding of if another person did it.  I react with such firmness and abuse when I fail something or don’t do something the way I think others do or if I don’t perform as expected.  I’m destroying myself and sabotaging any goodness that may spring from my heart by acting like I’m some worthless piece of shit.  I am the cause of my own suffering.

I’ve been trying to work on the things that other people can see me do, so that others may view my awesomeness and give me praise.  I crave validation and understanding and compassion.  I expect others to give it to me.  I don’t want to do that.

The more I learn about myself, the farther along this path of self-discovery I’ve travelled, the more I’m finding myself to feel less.  I feel less human, less worthy, less normal, less capable.  I find myself crying at all these things that are hard for me to do or accomplish and that seem impossible so I give up without trying.  If I try and fail, that’d only be proving to Okaasan that she was right, that I’m a loser who will never be able to be a functioning person.

I feel such sorrow and despair because of things that I don’t even think matter.  I am drowning in my own delusions that I’m this terrible thing that should never have been given a chance to live.  Sometimes, I think about going back to drugs or to cutting or to alcohol, anything to escape the crushing realization that Reality is nothing but suffering.

I think and I feel and I believe all these things, yet I still keep going.  I haven’t given up.  I tell myself “yes, I haven’t gotten to where I want to be yet, and that’s okay”.  I still fight with myself and I refuse to back down.  I push myself to take one more step, one more tiny little step.  I just need to take one more step today to keep going.  It’s okay if I stumble and fall.  I’ve fallen much harder in much worse ways before and I didn’t give up then so there’s no point in giving up now.

There’s always tomorrow.  Tomorrow could be better.  It could be worse, but it could be better.  I may die or I might live.  Whenever I want to lay down and quit and just say fuck it, I remember that there’s always tomorrow.  This moment is the one that matters and in this moment, I want to be better.  I want to stand up and charge into battle and win.  I don’t want to coast through life and I don’t want to put in my 2 weeks notice.

I don’t always know how to keep going.  I’ve been fortunate enough to have friends who love me and they remind me that there’s good in the world.  Charon, with her no-bullshit attitude, she treats me like a normal person.  She’s the only 3D person that has ever done that.  She treats me like an equal and helps me find the solutions.  And she doesn’t put up with my bullshit.

When everything seems to be nothing but darkness, when I can’t muster up the strength or the courage to press onward, I just need to grasp one little ray of light.  Just a little bit of something good and wonderful.  I need reminding that life isn’t all shit.  And that’s okay.  It’s okay to need help and it’s okay to admit when you aren’t strong enough on your own.

I just forget sometimes.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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