Doubts and Insecurities

Greetings, fellow humans!  It is I, your fellow human!  I wish to inform you that I am indeed sick.  I haven’t a clue what and I’m not sure what my diet should entail except I’m not sure if I should consume less food or more food.  I’m feeling rather peckish at the moment and am craving french fries, an ice-blended protein coffee shake, and a thing of shrimp ramen.  It’s an odd combination, in my opinion.  I’m drinking plenty of water and it’s probably just my body being all pissy at something I ate.  No worries.  I’ll still be posting something every day.

Honestly, I’m having this feeling like I’m attempting to progress faster than I should be.  I have been giving myself a week on each topic and moving on to the next thing I want to work on.  I started off on this journey with a zealous attitude because I began using Habitica to help break-down things for me.  It reminds me to do things and to work on myself.  I no longer feel like I’m using Habitica to the extent I could be.

I almost want to start over with everything.  Obviously I can’t unlearn what I’ve already discovered about myself.  I do, however, want to work on mastering what I know.  I mean, once I learn something, I acknowledge it and never give it thought again.  Much like my Japanese Studies, I need to review what I’ve covered to keep it fresh and to make it a muscle memory.

So for today.  Today I studied for about 5 hours.  I thought back to how I interacted with people in group yesterday.  I went over my previous blog posts.  I feel like I’m starting to head in the right direction, but I don’t see any real sense to any of it yet.  I’ve got these three main characteristics that I feel I should strive for, them being Authenticity, Progressiveness, and Kindness.  I feel like all beings deserve Compassion and Understanding.  I am aiming to be more accepting and resilient in my life.  But there’s no direction.

These are all things I feel I should be doing regardless of where Life takes me.  I’ve become pretty good at Mindfulness and the Art of Zen, but I haven’t even gotten close to understanding basic human emotions or that every person is a protagonist in their own story.  There’s still a lot of things I simply don’t understand or don’t comprehend.  I still feel so lost in my daily comings-and-goings.

I’m learning that it’s okay to ask for verification on things we talk about in group.  I just feel awkward a lot of times because it seems like everyone else understands what’s going on.  I’m so sad because I feel so lonely.  It’s like there’s this huge difference between me and everyone else and if I don’t have things spelled out exactly, I either find it very hard or impossible to understand or apply any of this stuff to my life.

I’m trying to remind myself that these feelings are valid.  That all feelings are valid and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with what I’m feeling.  Honestly, I thought going down the path for a Life More Worth Living would allow me to have more control over my life.  Instead, I feel like I’m having less and less control over anything.

Okay, I’m going to apologize.  I think I’m going to end this right here for tonight.  I’m not well physically and obviously being cooped up all day because it’s too fucking hot and humid is affecting my mental health as well.

Tomorrow will be better.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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3 thoughts on “Doubts and Insecurities

  1. It’s important to be brave enough to ask questions! Chances are someone else in the group also has the same or similar question but isn’t brave enough to ask either. Many of us feel blind and lost in life, like we are just going through the motions. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be going through therapy. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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