sick again

Hey guys.  Just another short blurb today.  I feel sick due to a very bad headache, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to keep it brief.  My apologies.  I feel like I keep doing this shit to you.

I did want to write about something that’s bothering me.  “Never treat your own life as insignificant”.  That’s what I’m doing when I engage in disordered eating.  I know fully the consequences of not eating the proper amount.  I pretty much just disregard it though.

I want to be able to eat without fear.  I haven’t purged in a great while, but I’m back into the habit of heavily restricting.  Less than 1000 calories a day most days.  Objectively, that’s probably why I’ve been getting sick and so many migraines lately.  I know the pattern.  I know the risks I’m taking and I know that I’m being a bloody fool.

I’m also ashamed of my weight. I’m down to 173.4 as of this morning, which isn’t bad.  It was higher because of the bloating and such.  It’s still an overweight BMI and I’m still not losing weight like I should be.  I may have fucked up my metabolism because of my eating disorder and I don’t want to go back to therapy for it right now.  I have such a fucked up sense of right and wrong here.

I honestly can only put my focus on one major thing at a time.  Right now, my eating disorder is not at the top of the list.  Making sure I don’t do anything to hurt myself is.  Not sabotaging my progress and all that.

Okay, I need to lie down.  I just wanted to tell you all I’m not dead.  Just sick again.

Jeepers, I have such shit health.  ^_^

the sarcastic autist

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