Ramblings of a Sick Person

Konbanwa, minna.  I am still sick.  Anytime I eat anything, I end up feeling nauseated.  It’s frustrating.  My chest and throat both have a heaviness that makes me think that somehow this is all my asthma’s fault.  However, if I am still ill tomorrow, I’m going to make an appointment with the doctor.  I’m due for a yearly anyway.

I managed to take a shower so at least I’m not filthy with grime and dirt.  I’m going to need to wash my bedding and everything after this to make sure I don’t recatch whatever it is that made me sick to begin with.  While I was in the shower, I realized something.  I’m not as depressed.  I don’t really feel depressed at all right now.  I am sad, however.  But more of a resigned sadness that I know my limitations.

I can only react with Compassion and Understanding.   Resigning myself to depression and falling into the fallacy that I’ll never be able to accomplish anything worthwhile is not treating my one life as a Life More Worth Living.  It is treating myself as an insignificant being.  It’s not how I want to live my life.  It’s not even a way to live life.

Currently, I’m all but bedridden.  Anytime I attempt to stand or sit up, I feel light headed and even more nauseated.  I’ve been periodically turning on the air conditioner to help beat the humidity and to open up my airways a bit better.  I don’t think I should consume any more caffeinated beverages today.  Mama Bear and Okaasan both speculate that I’m probably having a delayed reaction to the heat.  All I know is that I’m bored beyond belief.

I’m sitting here wondering why I’m like this.  I feel like I’m going to throw up and yet I’m not filled with the same amount of self-pity as I would have been in the past.  I feel like I’m slowly reaching a point of actively accepting and gauging reality as it is, without the need to hide myself in delusions.  It’s actually quite an amazing revelation and I’m happy that I’m growing so much.

I also realized that I’ve been choosing my own happiness far more often than resigning myself to depression.  I’m not 100% sure what happiness even is, but I do know that I rather have whatever I’m feeling now than the fog I tend to slip into every now and again.  And yes, my dear reader, I acknowledge that I’m going to have moments and days and maybe even weeks of just a constant depression, where life seems to bleak to even bother.

I am sick.  There’s not much I can do about it except not push myself to hard and recognize that I’m just not going to be able to do all the things I want to.  That’s just a fact of life.  I will get better and I will stop feeling like shit.  That’s reality.

I’ve got the Autism.  There’s not much I can do about it except accept and acknowledge that there’s limitations on what I can do.  That’s just a fact of life.  I can work to overcome my limitations and I’m sure that through trial and error I can learn to function better in the real world.  That’s reality.

It’s acceptance.  It’s realizing that life is life and reality is reality and that deluding myself does me no favours and only holds me back.  This is who I am.  But this is not all I can be.

-The Sarcastic Autist



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