Ola. I’m feeling a bit better today. I think my asthma and allergies were really just being all fucky.
I don’t really want to write today. I’m rather sad. I’m not too good at telling what emotion I’m feeling at the current moment unless it’s rather extreme. But right now, I’m sad.
There’s all sorts of things I want to do. I always sort of thought that I would be all better when I grew up. I’m not, really. I mean, I’m a bit better. I no longer have tantrums or public melt-downs. I try to keep myself in a state of Zen so I don’t get too overwhelmed.
But I still can’t make eye contact. I prefer to play with things and stare at walls and floors. I have a hard time making sense of the spoken word unless someone is very direct with me. I can’t go into a room and just start cleaning without having some sort of list.
I can’t go into a crowd without getting overwhelmed. I barely managed to tolerate the half dozen people in the waiting room today and the 3 children. I can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. Complex verbal instructions are beyond me.
I can’t sit still. I can’t verbalize a lot of my thoughts unless I’ve written them down before hand. I find it impossible to say just one thing without giving the background for it. (in my defense, I enjoy the background context for things).
I’m very ashamed that the person I am isn’t the person I wanted to be. I honestly thought I’d be done with college and have a good paying job and having my own place. Reality is I’m just not capable of that yet. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be capable of it.
I’m ashamed of my stimming/spazzing. Whatever you want to call it. I feel stupid and childish because of it. I hate that my tongue feels thick and wrong when I try to speak. I hate that I have such a hard time communicating with people. I hate that I have a hard time understanding things.
I guess I’m just kind of mourning the loss of the person I wish I was. I realize that the person I want to be is an impossible goal.
I just don’t know who I want to be now.
-The Sarcastic Autist