Sad about who I am.

Ola.  I’m feeling a bit better today.  I think my asthma and allergies were really just being all fucky.

I don’t really want to write today.  I’m rather sad.  I’m not too good at telling what emotion I’m feeling at the current moment unless it’s rather extreme.  But right now, I’m sad.

There’s all sorts of things I want to do.  I always sort of thought that I would be all better when I grew up.  I’m not, really.  I mean, I’m a bit better.  I no longer have tantrums or public melt-downs.  I try to keep myself in a state of Zen so I don’t get too overwhelmed.

But I still can’t make eye contact.  I prefer to play with things and stare at walls and floors.  I have a hard time making sense of the spoken word unless someone is very direct with me.  I can’t go into a room and just start cleaning without having some sort of list.

I can’t go into a crowd without getting overwhelmed.  I barely managed to tolerate the half dozen people in the waiting room today and the 3 children.  I can’t focus on more than one thing at a time.  Complex verbal instructions are beyond me.

I can’t sit still.  I can’t verbalize a lot of my thoughts unless I’ve written them down before hand.  I find it impossible to say just one thing without giving the background for it.  (in my defense, I enjoy the background context for things).

I’m very ashamed that the person I am isn’t the person I wanted to be.  I honestly thought I’d be done with college and have a good paying job and having my own place.  Reality is I’m just not capable of that yet.  And I don’t know if I’ll ever be capable of it.

I’m ashamed of my stimming/spazzing.  Whatever you want to call it.  I feel stupid and childish because of it.  I hate that my tongue feels thick and wrong when I try to speak.   I hate that I have such a hard time communicating with people.  I hate that I have a hard time understanding things.

I guess I’m just kind of mourning the loss of the person I wish I was.  I realize that the person I want to be is an impossible goal.

I just don’t know who I want to be now.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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7 thoughts on “Sad about who I am.

  1. I don’t think you are stupid. I think you are nice and awesome and good person. You can be you and be happy and not have be like everyone else. I know it is hard sometimes I get sad to at me because people don’t want be my friend because I like paw patrol and my body acts funny. And 1 time me try go college for sign language and they was super nice and try help me but me was not can do school and feel bad.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Actually multitasking is bad. No one on this planet can honestly do it well. Anyone who thinks they can is deluding themselves, so please please PLEASE try to find a way to find peace in being able to only focus on one thing at a time. It’s actually a strength. I promise.

    Direct communication is a style and it’s okay. Everyone has their own communication style. Own yours. There’s no shame in being up front with people and telling them this is your communication style when you get started. Saves time and spares the hassle really. Don’t be afraid to include the piece that you need one step instructions.

    Like take me for example. I have to warn people that I have pressured speech. I will derail from a conversation. I will become tangential. I will start off on random topics. I will need you to pull me back on task and back on topic. It’s not being rude to me. (There are ways people can be rude to me when I’m speaking, but that’s too long to get into here.) It’s staying on task or nothing will get done. It’s okay to interrupt me or even talk over me. I promise I will hear you, but you may need to repeat yourself. This is part of my illness sadly. Etiquette though says that people should just listen to me ramble on endlessly and that’s uncomfortable for everyone – me included. My brain doesn’t always let me say something that makes sense and even worse it doesn’t always let me stop talking. It’s just a compulsion to speak. Not everyone with Bipolar has this, but I do.

    If it helps any, I use checklists to clean my home too. I swear it’s okay to do whatever it is you need to do to get stuff done. There is no right or wrong way to be functional if you ask me. It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be done.

    The point that I’m trying to make here is that you know what overwhelms you. You also know what frustrates and upsets you. You now have the opportunity to set the boundaries with the world around you to make it work with you rather than against you. Use that direct communication style of yours to your advantage right here! There is nothing wrong with saying up front “This is what I need.” Even if that means communicating with pen and paper, or using an iPad, for the moment.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That compulsion to speak thing, I get that way sometimes when I’m nervous or anxious. Or when I’m excited about something. Sometimes it gets really hard to keep on track because I’m bouncing all over the place. It’s nice to know that it’s not just me, that others do that too.
      Have I told you lately how awesome you are? I call you my favourite follower when talking to my therapist. ^_^

      Like

  3. I’m glad that my comments give you something to look forward to. I will admit though I don’t particularly feel awesome usually. It’s just that sometimes you post stuff that strongly resonates with me. Okay maybe almost all the time because I think I comment on nearly every post. But it reminds me of how I have felt or do feel. And so I don’t know. Maybe I just want to make sure you don’t feel as alone as I did or sometimes still do. Sometimes the things I say are just as much for me as they are for you. I guess it’s a way of reaching out, connecting, and processing all at once.

    I’m not sure what else to say here. I’ve edited this comment about a billion times. At one point it got really long and tangential.

    So I guess long story short, what I hope you get out of this is that you are not alone. As long as you don’t give up and keep trying, know that life has this weird way of working itself out in the long run. We weren’t given an instruction manual when we’re born. And we weren’t given a toolbox either. So I think half the fun in life is building that toolbox ourselves and writing our own manual based on what we find works for us.

    Therefore, even though I have Bipolar there is no shame in me using the visual charts that I picked up from my son’s therapies designed for Autism to keep myself functional. None. In fact, I think they are a life saver and I’m wondering why they aren’t being taught in the Bipolar classes! Seriously. Because of this I have started to learn about other diagnoses and their management options. It’s really surprising when you find similarities and even better when you find a useful trick or two that works for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad to hear that someone can relate to my posts and I’m not just writing random nonsense that people take pity upon. I really am happy that you can get something out of my ramblings. I don’t always feel so awesome myself and it’s nice to be reminded of that. It’s also nice to know that I am not alone and that there are other people who struggle with the things I do. I just don’t always notice other people’s behavior because, let’s face it, I hardly look at other people.
      I like that I can use my blog as my own personal manual of do’s and don’ts. I can look back and see what things I’ve tried, where I wandered away from effective skill usage, all that. The written word has always been the best tool for me.
      Charon says that it doesn’t matter what diagnosis you have, everyone can learn stuff from DBT and from the other various therapies offered to the various labels. It just tends to be a bit more geared toward one particular set of skill deficits than a general one, if that makes sense. So, I agree with you too on this. We need to share and learn about all the possible ways to live a functional and effective life so we can make our own assorted toolbox for the skills that we need and all that.

      Liked by 1 person

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