Hallo, meinen fruendin. (Sorry, my German is rather rusty). I had to go to the doctor about the asthma thing. We seem to have come to the conclusion that a combination of the frequent weather changes in my area as well as a high temperature alert and a high pollen/allergen warning have all come together to battle my ability to breathe and, well, not be an emo little shit. So, the actions are to start a new inhaler that’s specific to allergy induced asthma that my insurance is not wanting to cover and to switch from Zyrtec to Zyrtec D and also all the coffee and caffeine.
So far, I’ve only been playing with my coffee intake and that seems to be improving things a bit. It’s sort of depressing, really, but at least I’m starting to get back on track. It’s amazing how my worries and anxieties over my physical health started to severely impact my mental health. Mostly because I’ve been cooped up inside without being able to venture forth and capture Pokemon. I think I’ve got the Cabin Fever thing going on. As well as an alarming lack of physical friends to hang out with.
Worry not, my dear friends! Today, I want to discuss this new idea. It’s sort of a new idea. Not really a new idea at all. I misled you and I am so sorry for that. Moving along.
I’ve been watching Doctor Who for the past few days and something that has stuck with me is the second episode with the 9th Doctor, when the Doctor and Rose were aboard the viewing vessel to see the world die. He says: all that matters is here and now and this is me.
We’re all perfectly aware about how depressed and upset I’ve been lately over perceived character flaws of mine. A special shout-out to juanspinkelephant and to ToadieOdie for checking in with me and making me feel so much less alone in the world. I’ve come to the decision that wallowing in self-pity is not an effective course of action and it is most certainly not a Progressive or Authentic way to live.
Charon and I briefly talked about important things on Monday, but not a lot of in-depth scenarios because I was trying to do the whole eye contact thing and was excited to share my new Quote-Book Note-Book with her. Next week, I’m going to go in with a list of things to discuss so I’m not all over the place like I normally am. Go in prepared and all that.
But what’s been on my mind from our limited actual discussion was when we hit on being respectful. More-so, when I said I can at least be nice to people who don’t have any respect from me. She said that I can be more than nice, that nice is a shallow thing to be. I can be kind and compassionate and all these other things, but I should aim to be more than just ‘nice’.
Not going into the many levels of whatever the fuck that means, I can kind of see where she was coming from. I mean, if I think about it, I’m normally ‘just nice’ to myself. I put on a mask of fake self-respect and pretend to be all Zen and Mindful when I’m just being a self-righteous prick to myself.
I really hope you can all follow that line of thinking because it’s sort of hard for me to explain. In my never-ending pursuit of Progressiveness, Authenticity, and Kindness, I simply have been rewording the ineffective self-talk to seem more effective. For example, I’ll often tell myself that it’s okay to be sad that me mum made me kill a spider, but I also give myself a time limit on when I need to stop feeling bad about it. I’ll question the validity of my emotion. I’ll question if that’s even the emotion I’m feeling.
Honestly, fuck emotions. What the fuck. Why are they so goddess-damned-difficult.
Anyway, it bothers me that for some reason, I’m not grasping the concept of Emotions. It’s great that it’s the unit we’re working on in therapy. There’s just something that isn’t connecting right in my brain. Have I ever said that I can never tell what emotion I’m feeling unless it’s a major one? I have a list of emotion words that I keep on hand so I can point out the ones that I think I’m feeling.
I actually go through this whole flow-chart type thing in my head to reach the name of an emotion. I think that’s ridiculous and I am not nice to myself about it. I don’t think I know how to be nice to myself, to be completely honest with you. Most of the time, I don’t even feel like I deserve niceness. And that brings about a whole other can of Cognitive Dissonance that I don’t feel like going into today because it is late and I haven’t had supper yet.
My point is: I don’t know how to be Authentic, Progressive, and Kind to myself. I say that I want to be these things and then my actions and thoughts and words are at the opposite end of the spectrum and it really isn’t working for me.
So, starting now, I will once again be Authentic, Progressive, and Kind. This is a hard road for me. This means I need to be more patient and at peace with who I am. I can’t go back and change my attitude about myself retroactively. (I know, a bit redundant to say it like that.) I can only start again now. This is now and this is me. There is nothing else but this.
Again, I begin a new adventure to obtain the old goal. I hope that this time, it comes a bit easier.
-The Sarcastic Autist