Hello, friends! I was able to breathe correctly for the first time today. I was so happy. And then there was a storm. The storm made me rather anxious and the sound of the rain hitting the vehicle I was in on the way to group was getting to me too. I took a deep breath and forced myself to relax and that actually helped ease the anxiety a bit. All that energy came out in group because I could not fucking sit still at all. I was crossing my legs, uncrossing my legs, jittering, doing the little fist/hand flapping thing, rocking back and forth, bouncing up and down, rocking side to side. I was also so happy because Gem came back to group and she had been away for a few weeks. I like Gem. She’s a cool person.
So yes, I was all over the place and smiling and laughing and Charon noticed because I normally try and act a lot more reserved so the other group members don’t think I’m a spaz. I mean, I am a spaz, I just don’t want them to think that. I’m going to correct myself here and say I didn’t want them to think that. I feel a little bad because I don’t share a lot of emotion stuff with people and they are there pouring their hearts out about the troubles they’re going through and I’m just sitting there going “oh my various heathen gods please stop crying please stop crying oh gods, what I am supposed to do”. (Crying makes me super uncomfortable).
I don’t know, after the storm went away, I just suddenly felt really happy. I remember sitting in group and telling myself to ignore the fact that it may or may not be storming because there was nothing I could do about it at the moment anyway. And then I paid more attention to what we were doing in group and the anxiety and ickyness sort of just melted away. It was amazing. And then, in addition to being awesome and actually using some mother fucking skills, I actually understood what we were talking about today!
On top of all that, Mama Bear asked me for advice and seemed to really care about what I had to say and that just made me feel so good that I could give someone my perspective on things and they weren’t just fucking with me. And she said that I have a strong sense of identity. Not entirely sure she realizes she was talking to me at that point, but at the same time, it made me want to have a strong sense of Identity.
Let’s face the facts: I acknowledge the things I do, Autism Spectrum Symptoms and otherwise, and I often lament the fact that I have them. Well, today in group, I was a total spaz and didn’t really hold back (unless it was a verbal disruption) and no one batted an eye. It made me just so happy that no one cared that I was so spazzy and that no one even talked to me about any of it or glared at me. Oh my various gods, I’m so happy I’m actually tearing up.
Okay, I took a moment to calm down. I’m chill. It’s all chill. I feel awesome. I’m still happy, I’m just not bouncing off the walls happy. I think I’m going to end this post here. My blog has been filled with sadness lately and posting something that conveys the level of excitement and ecstatic joy that I’m feeling at the moment kind of breaks the pattern. I just wanted to tell you all about my awesome day and that I’m finally coming to terms with Accepting myself as I am.
So, many happy days to you all. I’ll post about today’s group tomorrow because otherwise we’ll be here all night.
The Sarcastic Autist