Hello, everyone! I hope everyone has been having a good day today. I had a pretty uneventful day myself. I did get my hands on some behind-the-counter asthma medication called Bronkaid. I took one pill many hours ago and my breathing got so much better so much quicker. I had almost forgotten what it’s like to be able to take a deep breath without coughing. Also, yesterday’s happiness leaked into today. I’m not complaining. I missed not being in a fog of depression. This brings me even greater joy.
Something that I had been struggling with, a huge part of my Willfulness and my depression and anxiety, is that I just could not bring myself to accept myself. I know I wrote about Accepting being Key to a Life More Worth Living many moons ago. I finally came to begin to understand what it truly means to Accept myself.
I don’t have to Accept that this is all I am. There is plenty of things I don’t like about myself. I made a huge list of all the reasons I think I’m a piece of shit. However, I need to Accept that this is who I am right now. I need to stop fighting the things I feel are flaws and Accept that this is just what I need to do to function.
Honestly, between group Accepting my spazzing and not getting called out to chill from Charon or the other lady who runs the group, I never felt more at peace with my own brand of Autism. I know plenty of you (ToadieOdie, Kuma-chan, juanspinkelephant, Mama Bear) have told me time and time again that I should just be myself and not worry about what others think. Seeing it in practice, that no one really pays attention or cares about other peoples little tics, that’s what really hit it home.
I’ve been trying so hard to be reserved and not to make other people see me as a freak that I became trapped. I locked myself into a little box and said “Sarcastic Autist-kun, you cannot and will not do things to stand out. You must conform.” Whenever I felt comfortable around people enough to go “This is me”, they would tell me not to be me. That I was weird and unlikable and not wanted. That I should be what they told me.
So I was. Exacerbating Ex wasn’t the first person to physically punish me for being different, for trying to be me, but she will be the last. I’m not 100% okay with who I am. The beauty of life is that I can learn and change the ineffective parts of me. I just need to Accept that this is who I am right now and if who I am right now is not who I want to be, I need to take the proper steps to make it so I can be who I want to be.
I’m not going to be able to change everything I don’t like. For example, I can’t just stop doing the stim/spaz thing. But when I let myself go and just do it, I release a lot of tension and energy and I don’t feel so full-up. A huge part of me not wanting to Accept myself was my spazzing. I hated that I needed it. Doing it all day today when I needed to without worrying about what others think had me a lot less stressed and anxious. I managed to get things done. It was amazing.
“Get curious about other people and get curious about yourself” is what Charon is always saying. I’m going to add the caveat of “don’t get obsessive over it” as well. (I tend to get obsessive with things, Tunnel Vision Project Mode and all that). I got curious about myself and I decided to throw it all away and that I wasn’t going to be that. Spoiler alert: saying something does not make it so. Deciding something does not make it so. Especially when it comes to something like Depression or Autism. I don’t just get to go “well, I’ve decided I’m not going to be Autistic anymore”. That’s just bonkers.
I can decide to Accept it. This is Reality. Reality is fact and fact is truth. I can get comfortable with the idea that I’m not perfect, that I have things I don’t like about myself. I want to be comfortable with myself. I want to have this daily burst of happiness and joy and excitement that I’m okay. That there is nothing wrong with me. That I’m not a thing to be ashamed about and I don’t have to feel shame just for being alive.
I want every day to be like today. I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m finally starting to Accept myself, to Accept that I’m going to be a bit weird and to come across as a bit immature. But I’m me. I am a worthwhile person who is not perfect. I am not perfect and that’s okay. I don’t fit the standard for other people and that’s okay.
It’s okay to be me. There is nothing wrong with being me. No matter what others have told me in the past, there is nothing wrong with being me. I am my own person with my own thoughts and beliefs and emotions and strange little habits. And so are you. You are your own person with your own thoughts and beliefs and emotions and strange little habits.
And there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with Accepting who you are. That doesn’t mean you don’t want to be a better you. Fuck, I really want to be a better me. I want to be able to do things. Today, I went into a pharmacy with Okaasan without wearing headphones and I let myself spaz without holding back and I didn’t feel nearly as anxious as I normally do, as I would have otherwise. It’s not how I would have wanted to be better; ideally I would have liked to be a non-spazzing individual. But this is what works for me and this is the best me I can be right now. I am Accepting that.
Acceptance is Key, people of the internet. I finally figure out first hand what that means and how that is life-changing. This is my path of a Life More Worth Living. And I am filled with joy that I’m finally understanding it all.
May you find happiness like this too.
-The Sarcastic Autist