Greetings, my friends! I had a doctor’s appointment today to get my asthma thingy checked out and to get labs done for my thyroid. I get to go back Tuesday to see the Pulmonologist, which is just a fancy term for Asthma guy. Then again a week later to get my yearly physical done. I also have a meeting with Styx, my psychiatrist on Friday the 5th. So, my schedule for next week is Monday-Charon, Tuesday-Asthma Guy, Wednesday-group, Thursday-shopping with Okaasan and Obaasan, and Friday- Styx. A fun filled week. I’m going to be so exhausted but I’m looking forward to it.
I’m still happy. I feel like I got a little jump start into happiness the other day. I’m not as excitable or as annoying chipper as I was. I’m still happy though. I’ve been doing this weird little half-smile thingy we learned in group in attempt to keep my face calm because all I want to do is grin. And do my weird little tic thingy.
Because the change in mood was rather sudden this time around, I’m actually able to see the contrast of my behavior better. When I’m happier, I smile more and I’m more willing to try stuff and I’m not as skeptical or as bratty. When I’m sad, I don’t think anything is going to work at all, ever. Charon has been trying to get me to see that emotions have an influence on our thoughts and our behaviours.
She actually has this little thing that I refer to as the Triforce of Self-Influence. Thoughts and behaviours and emotions all influence each other. I believed she was full of shit when she was talking about that. I can see now that she was right and I was being a stubborn little shit. Again. It actually makes sense, if you think about it.
For example, today I was doing this thing I do where I take my thumb and my middle finger and kind of tap them together. It looks like I’m making my hand talk. This is one of my spazzes that I don’t particularly like doing in public. I was doing it in the waiting room at the doctor’s and I didn’t even care. I’m quite proud of myself for that. It helps me think and it calms me down if I’m just a wee bit nervous or I’m trying to think of something to say. I used to force myself not to do it and sit on my hands, call myself a moron and all sorts of negative things. I would feel very ashamed.
Thinking about the Triforce of Self-Influence as I’m going about my daily stuff helped me realize that, yes, Charon knows the shit she’s talking about. Fucking Christ, Charon, can’t you just let me have this one thing?? I’m joking. Mostly.
Accepting myself as I am and letting myself be happy and comfortable in my own skin has greatly improved my outlook on life. I’m wanting to learn how to drive a car, get a job, go back to school. It’s brilliant and it just adds to my happiness and joy. Triforce of Self-Influence. It could be that my happiness is just feeding off itself because Charon says that emotions are narcissistic in nature and do indeed feed off themselves. I imagine it’s more like mitosis, where the emotions just split from one thing being the center and eventually infect the host in its entirety and becomes the ultimate Parasite.
Emotions are apparently not as stupid as I thought. It’s fascinating to see how much my own paradigm can shift when I can see a theory being put into practice and actually working. It’s amazing. It’s just so bloody wicked. I’m starting to wonder how many awesome things I’ve missed just because I was being a willful and stubborn little shit.
And what’s more, I still think my life sucks. I think life just sucks in general. That doesn’t mean that my life isn’t worth living. It just means that life is suffering but suffering can be overcome through the power of friendship! No, I’m just joking. I’m sorry, I had to throw in a My Little Pony reference at least once. Just because life sucks doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy it. It’s the random little things that make a huge difference.
And all emotions are a choice. We can’t always choose what we feel, but we can choose how we let them influence us. What we covered in group this week was Checking the Facts to see if the emotion fits the situation and if the severity of the emotion is okay or something along those lines. We talked about how to get our logical side to kind of reign in the emotion side so we aren’t as susceptible to random bouts of extreme emotions. I’m getting loads better at that.
Again, I just want to reiterate how proud I am of myself. I’m being awesome and I am feeling awesome. I kind of like myself a bit now. I’m mother-fucking awesome.
Until next time,
The Sarcastic Autist