Lost Identity

Hello, everyone.  I’m doing well again today.  I’m keeping up with the Happy Zenitude streak.  I went to church and had soy ice cream this morning.  I’m considering trying to learn how to drive again.  I’m still Accepting me as I am.  And my asthma hasn’t been nearly as bad as it was.

However, the one thing that is eating at me is that I don’t know who I am.  For years, my identity was attached to my friends and my diagnoses.  Even here, I use my Autism as a sort of excuse and reason for why I am the way I am.  I know that, yes, my own special brand of Autism has helped shaped me into the person I am today.  I just haven’t a clue who that person is.

When I first started working with Charon and we went through to make a treatment plan, a majority of the things I said were negatives.  “I don’t want to be this way, I want to not do that” that sort of thing.  But now who am I?

I’m not a person made up of negatives.  There’s positive aspects to my personality.  I’m a kind and caring person.  I’m not mean.  I don’t lie or cheat or steal.  I don’t go on murderous rampages or plan on kidnapping or torturing random people.  I’m not that kind of person.

A lot of the things I do, a lot of the decisions I make are based on the mighty Power of Deduction.  If it’s not X or Y, it must be Z sort of thing.  I can’t exactly use that reasoning when it comes to describing who I am as a person.  I can’t keep saying “well, I’m not who I was last year or last week”.  I mean, that’s good and all.  I’m quite proud of the way I’m progressing.

Even just a few weeks ago, I would say things like “when I grow up”.  I am grown up.  I feel like my life has a more stable foundation and that I’m at a place where, as an adult, I can make decisions and be more of my own person.  I’m not a kid.  I’m not the lost and scared non-binary being I was when I first started DBT.  Yes, I’m still Willful and Stubborn and I recognize that I still have a long ways to go before I can say that I’m not.

I focus a lot on the negative aspects.  I don’t want.  I don’t like.  What do I like?  What do I want out of life?  What direction do I want to go?  Which path do I want to take?  What is the realistic and effective thing?  What sort of person do I want to be now?

I don’t know.  I’m sort of scared of that.  It’s frightening how little I actually know about myself.  Today, during sermon, I was able to pinpoint what sounds were bothering me.  Before, I just said I hated loud sounds period.  Now I can say that I don’t like the way trumpets sound.  But there were other things too.  Other things I couldn’t point out.  Reasons for my anxiety and factors of me getting overwhelmed.

There’s so much more that I want to learn and so much more that I want to discover and I haven’t a clue where to start because how can I do anything if I don’t know who I am?

I just don’t know anymore.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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