Hello, everyone. I’m doing well again today. I’m keeping up with the Happy Zenitude streak. I went to church and had soy ice cream this morning. I’m considering trying to learn how to drive again. I’m still Accepting me as I am. And my asthma hasn’t been nearly as bad as it was.
However, the one thing that is eating at me is that I don’t know who I am. For years, my identity was attached to my friends and my diagnoses. Even here, I use my Autism as a sort of excuse and reason for why I am the way I am. I know that, yes, my own special brand of Autism has helped shaped me into the person I am today. I just haven’t a clue who that person is.
When I first started working with Charon and we went through to make a treatment plan, a majority of the things I said were negatives. “I don’t want to be this way, I want to not do that” that sort of thing. But now who am I?
I’m not a person made up of negatives. There’s positive aspects to my personality. I’m a kind and caring person. I’m not mean. I don’t lie or cheat or steal. I don’t go on murderous rampages or plan on kidnapping or torturing random people. I’m not that kind of person.
A lot of the things I do, a lot of the decisions I make are based on the mighty Power of Deduction. If it’s not X or Y, it must be Z sort of thing. I can’t exactly use that reasoning when it comes to describing who I am as a person. I can’t keep saying “well, I’m not who I was last year or last week”. I mean, that’s good and all. I’m quite proud of the way I’m progressing.
Even just a few weeks ago, I would say things like “when I grow up”. I am grown up. I feel like my life has a more stable foundation and that I’m at a place where, as an adult, I can make decisions and be more of my own person. I’m not a kid. I’m not the lost and scared non-binary being I was when I first started DBT. Yes, I’m still Willful and Stubborn and I recognize that I still have a long ways to go before I can say that I’m not.
I focus a lot on the negative aspects. I don’t want. I don’t like. What do I like? What do I want out of life? What direction do I want to go? Which path do I want to take? What is the realistic and effective thing? What sort of person do I want to be now?
I don’t know. I’m sort of scared of that. It’s frightening how little I actually know about myself. Today, during sermon, I was able to pinpoint what sounds were bothering me. Before, I just said I hated loud sounds period. Now I can say that I don’t like the way trumpets sound. But there were other things too. Other things I couldn’t point out. Reasons for my anxiety and factors of me getting overwhelmed.
There’s so much more that I want to learn and so much more that I want to discover and I haven’t a clue where to start because how can I do anything if I don’t know who I am?
I just don’t know anymore.
-The Sarcastic Autist