Hello, everyone! For two weeks in a row, I’ve not done Sarcastic Chaturdays. I apologize by my breathing is still iffy. I end up getting breathless like Stevie from Malcom in the Middle if I try to talk too much. Instead, I’m going to do another written post. Again, I’m so sorry.
I cleaned while Okaasan was taking Obaasan to the store today. I like cleaning most when she is gone. It lets me set my own maniacally-paced cleaning routine. In no way did I get everything done, but I picked up and swept the floors and even vacuumed a little. I did a quick wipe down of the bathroom too. And I took out the garbage from my bedroom, of course. And I just buzzed my hair again. I gots no hair.
I’ve been feeling the same sort of Happy Zenitude all day that I’ve been feeling since Wednesday. I wish I could accurately describe it. It’s kind of like the sort of excitement one feels after they maniacally clean the house on a whim to just do something nice, rather than because it gives me something to do when the depression hits hard.
I’m having to take it easy now because I decided I was going to clean the vacuum filter. Note- I cannot clean the vacuum filter. I didn’t use my inhaler beforehand and my chest is still feeling a little tight. So, while I’m sitting here regretting every decision I’ve ever made, I wanted to tell you my thoughts on this Doctor Who character quote.
“When you’re a kid, they tell you it’s all… Grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that’s it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It’s so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better.”-Elton Pope (Doctor Who: Season 2-Episode 11 Love and Monsters)
This pretty accurately sums up my thoughts on life right now. Life sucks. Life is hard. Life doesn’t give a shit about equality or about karma or about whether we can even function right. Life is a big FUCK YOU to us in the Neurodiversity crowd. That includes neurological disorders and mental disorders and all sorts of disorders. All the disorders. Life doesn’t differentiate between wealthy and poor, depressed and manic, psychopathy and Autism. Life looks us straight in the eye and throws lemons at our faces while yelling at us to “Make some goddamn motherfucking lemonade”.
It’s on us to make the lemonade. Do you know how hard it is to make lemonade? Lemons are just the main ingredient. There’s water and sugar and ice and knives and we have to have something to put it in and to mix it up. People who are born with the advantages of not having anything wrong with them as well as being born in an decently off family can make the lemonade with ease. The rest of us, those born maybe not all there in the head or a bit of mis-wiring has been done or we’re poor or we have some sort of physical issue, we don’t even know what the fuck lemonade is.
Therapy with Charon has helped me so much. It’s learning about lemonade and how I want my lemonade to be. It’s finding my own way to get all the stuff I need for it and the proper way to go about making the lemonade. It’s telling other people that lemonade exists and we are all capable of making it, even if some of us have to try harder than we ever tried anything ever before.
Life sucks. For the longest time, I had no direction. To keep going on the lemon thing because I’m going to beat this to death, I was being overwhelmed with the lemons being chucked at my face and this random person yelling at me to “Make some goddam motherfucking lemonade” while not telling me anything else. Everywhere I went, people would tell me to just make the lemonade, it’s not hard. They wouldn’t tell me how they made theirs, they wouldn’t tell me what lemonade was. If I said I couldn’t make it, they’d get mad. If I said I didn’t understand, I’d be told to stop looking for attention.
I gave up on trying to make lemonade for the longest time. Life would keep chucking the lemons at me and I stopped caring. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Life sucks.
But then, my dear readers, but then I stopped sitting on my arse doing nothing about Life and his fucking lemon-throwing fetish. I stood up and I said “Fucking hell, I’ll try to make some goddamn motherfucking lemonade.” I asked the right people to help me. I started posting here on this blog to mark my progress. I’m getting all my ingredients together. I’ve finally figured out that lemonade is a bit different for everyone.
Life sucks. Life throws lemons at everyone demanding that we all “Make some goddamn motherfucking lemonade”. It’s hard. It’s depressing. It’s run and hide under the covers from the monsters in the closet or under the bed. It’s also rewarding. It’s seeing the sunrise on a fall morning with frost still spread across the ground. It’s finishing a good novel with no sequel. It’s hugging the cat/dog and crying. It’s laughing with friends. It’s discovering new ideas and new people and new places and experiencing the world and loss and love and hate.
Life sucks. It sucks more than a whore on a Friday. But it’s still fun and adventurous. And Life is Worth Living.
-The Sarcastic Autist