Greetings, my friends! I am feeling a lot better physically now! I slept a lot and drank tons of water. What really helped was eating a bag of pretzels this morning and drinking some juice. I keep forgetting to make sure my blood sugar is in check. It’s a pain in the butt but I gotta do it or I get sick like this. Thank my various heathen gods that I don’t have any serious problems with my glucose levels. I’d probably be dead.
I don’t know how much I’m going to write tonight. I want to let you all know that I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete and total shut down. I am feeling very overwhelmed and it’s been way too loud lately. It’s been loud and bright and stressful and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up just so I don’t have to do any of this shit.
I’ve been so busy. Have I ever mentioned that doing more than a couple of things a week outside of my routine gets stressful? Sunday, service was outside. Okay, whatever. It was hot and muggy but I ended up getting some delicious soy ice cream. On Monday, I forced myself to face Charon and I tried to do the eye contact thing and read the body language and holy fuck just no. I failed so epically. I still tried, though, do I get points for that? Tuesday I had to meet with the Asthma Guy, whom I had never seen previously and who was also a male. I have issues with having male doctors and also just new doctors in general. Today was pretty normal except I feel like this new girl in group (who shall henceforth be named Bob) is consistently getting away with not doing the homework and if I have to spend hours doing that fucking shit, why doesn’t she? Does she not want to learn? No one gives a fuck if it’s crazy personal, lady! Just share something stupid to prove you can do the skill, that’s all it is. It’s like maths homework. Just have to prove you can do it.
Charon also touched my head today. For those of you who don’t know, I have a very close-to-the-scalp buzz cut. Think shorter than a military man’s haircut. It feels amazing to touch and I was grateful she asked and honestly don’t give a flying fuck if someone touches my hair if they ask first. It tickles. Plus it is so soft, like a kitten. Meow.
Today was also, apparently, my grandfather’s birthday on me mum’s side. He passed away around 6 years ago. Okaasan and Obaasan want to go visit his grave tomorrow, which is totally fine with me. I don’t mind going to see him. I’ve been wanting to do so for a while now. What I have an issue with is that I can only make so many stops when we go out shopping and we’re going out shopping tomorrow. Which means that I have to drop one of the things I wanted to do. I guess I’m not going to go to the bookstore. It’s fine, really. I can go next Tuesday because I have an appointment down there anyway.
I have to go shopping with Okaasan and Obaasan tomorrow. Do you know how stressful it is for me to go shopping with just Okaasan? Going shopping with both of them is going to be a pain. I have to get items from Shitty Big Box Retailer and I need to pick up some prescriptions from the pharmacy, otherwise I would ask to pass at this point. I also have a meeting with my psychiatrist on Friday and also my case manager because why the fuck not.
Every day this week, except for Saturday, is book with shit I have to do. It’s not like I get a choice to do this. I have to. I need to. Oh my various heathen gods, I completely forgot that this Saturday is my god brother’s graduation party. Never mind. I have to do that Saturday. I can’t not go. He deserves my support and also he doesn’t know about the Autism and I’ve been trying to keep it away from my god siblings. They don’t need the added stress of that.
Sunday is more church. Monday is more Charon. Tuesday is my yearly physical and blood work. Wednesday is group again. I have to go shopping again next Thursday or Friday with my godmother because she can help me pick out some nice tops because I have to buy more clothes. I have to start new medication tomorrow.
My nephew, the Doctor, is turning 2 this month and I can’t go visit him because I have been having to spend all of my money on stupid asthma stuff. I am starting testing again this month. I have to get that stupid shit for Social Security filled out and sent in so I can get a new card, so I can get a new ID. I have to get information about my disability shit for school so I can start the process to go back there.
And we’re still fucking in Emotion Regulation. Fucking waffle on a cracker in June. I am so stressed and worried and I’m not getting the time I need each day to relax and chill the fuck out. I need to recharge. I’m not getting that and it’s getting to me. I’ve been up since 5 this morning. 5 in the morning is not a time anyone should even be thinking of being awake. It’s such an ungodly hour.
I’m getting pressure from everyone to do this or to do that. People need my help or I need to help or I need to get this shit done or that shit done and no one cares if I say I can’t and I just can’t right now. I can’t even think straight anymore. I am trying so hard to not have the Autism meltdown thing of just screaming and crying and banging my head against things that I’m finding it harder and harder to function. Not that you can really call what I do functioning.
I really just need to stop. Everything just needs to pause and let me be for just a day. All I need is just one fucking day to be by myself.
Or I swear, I’m going to implode.
-The Sarcastic Autist