Overwhelmed and about to Implode

Greetings, my friends!  I am feeling a lot better physically now!  I slept a lot and drank tons of water.  What really helped was eating a bag of pretzels this morning and drinking some juice.  I keep forgetting to make sure my blood sugar is in check.  It’s a pain in the butt but I gotta do it or I get sick like this.  Thank my various heathen gods that I don’t have any serious problems with my glucose levels.  I’d probably be dead.

I don’t know how much I’m going to write tonight.  I want to let you all know that I feel like I’m on the verge of a complete and total shut down.  I am feeling very overwhelmed and it’s been way too loud lately.  It’s been loud and bright and stressful and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up just so I don’t have to do any of this shit.

I’ve been so busy.  Have I ever mentioned that doing more than a couple of things a week outside of my routine gets stressful?  Sunday, service was outside.  Okay, whatever.  It was hot and muggy but I ended up getting some delicious soy ice cream.  On Monday, I forced myself to face Charon and I tried to do the eye contact thing and read the body language and holy fuck just no.  I failed so epically.  I still tried, though, do I get points for that?  Tuesday I had to meet with the Asthma Guy, whom I had never seen previously and who was also a male.  I have issues with having male doctors and also just new doctors in general.  Today was pretty normal except I feel like this new girl in group (who shall henceforth be named Bob) is consistently getting away with not doing the homework and if I have to spend hours doing that fucking shit, why doesn’t she?  Does she not want to learn?  No one gives a fuck if it’s crazy personal, lady!  Just share something stupid to prove you can do the skill, that’s all it is.  It’s like maths homework.  Just have to prove you can do it.

Charon also touched my head today.  For those of you who don’t know, I have a very close-to-the-scalp buzz cut.  Think shorter than a military man’s haircut.  It feels amazing to touch and I was grateful she asked and honestly don’t give a flying fuck if someone touches my hair if they ask first.  It tickles.  Plus it is so soft, like a kitten.  Meow.

Today was also, apparently, my grandfather’s birthday on me mum’s side.  He passed away around 6 years ago.  Okaasan and Obaasan want to go visit his grave tomorrow, which is totally fine with me.  I don’t mind going to see him.  I’ve been wanting to do so for a while now.  What I have an issue with is that I can only make so many stops when we go out shopping and we’re going out shopping tomorrow.  Which means that I have to drop one of the things I wanted to do.  I guess I’m not going to go to the bookstore.  It’s fine, really.  I can go next Tuesday because I have an appointment down there anyway.

I have to go shopping with Okaasan and Obaasan tomorrow.  Do you know how stressful it is for me to go shopping with just Okaasan?  Going shopping with both of them is going to be a pain.  I have to get items from Shitty Big Box Retailer and I need to pick up some prescriptions from the pharmacy, otherwise I would ask to pass at this point.  I also have a meeting with my psychiatrist on Friday and also my case manager because why the fuck not.

Every day this week, except for Saturday, is book with shit I have to do.  It’s not like I get a choice to do this.  I have to.  I need to.  Oh my various heathen gods, I completely forgot that this Saturday is my god brother’s graduation party.  Never mind.  I have to do that Saturday.  I can’t not go.  He deserves my support and also he doesn’t know about the Autism and I’ve been trying to keep it away from my god siblings.  They don’t need the added stress of that.

Sunday is more church.  Monday is more Charon.  Tuesday is my yearly physical and blood work.  Wednesday is group again.  I have to go shopping again next Thursday or Friday with my godmother because she can help me pick out some nice tops because I have to buy more clothes.  I have to start new medication tomorrow.

My nephew, the Doctor, is turning 2 this month and I can’t go visit him because I have been having to spend all of my money on stupid asthma stuff.  I am starting testing again this month.  I have to get that stupid shit for Social Security filled out and sent in so I can get a new card, so I can get a new ID.  I have to get information about my disability shit for school so I can start the process to go back there.

And we’re still fucking in Emotion Regulation.  Fucking waffle on a cracker in June.  I am so stressed and worried and I’m not getting the time I need each day to relax and chill the fuck out.  I need to recharge.  I’m not getting that and it’s getting to me.  I’ve been up since 5 this morning.  5 in the morning is not a time anyone should even be thinking of being awake.  It’s such an ungodly hour.

I’m getting pressure from everyone to do this or to do that.  People need my help or I need to help or I need to get this shit done or that shit done and no one cares if I say I can’t and I just can’t right now.  I can’t even think straight anymore.  I am trying so hard to not have the Autism meltdown thing of just screaming and crying and banging my head against things that I’m finding it harder and harder to function.  Not that you can really call what I do functioning.

I really just need to stop.  Everything just needs to pause and let me be for just a day.  All I need is just one fucking day to be by myself.

Or I swear, I’m going to implode.

-The Sarcastic Autist


6 thoughts on “Overwhelmed and about to Implode

  1. You need to give yourself permission to schedule yourself a day off once in awhile to recharge. It takes me awhile to give myself permission, but it’s an important thing to do. It’s not good to allow yourself to reach that breaking point. Take the time to re-examine your to-do lists once in awhile and really decide what are the truly “have to” things and what are the “want to” things and what are the things people are telling you are “have to” things but aren’t really.

    Yes it is nice to sacrifice your short term happiness once in awhile to make others happy, but not if it means wrecking your long term happiness in the process.

    This is why it is critical to be on the look out for the things that people tell us are “have to” things but aren’t really. When those things come up we need to decide if we have time for it, if we have the energy for it, and if we truly want to do it. If not then we need to set the boundaries down and just not do it. Otherwise we’ll just wreck ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah, the ever elusive boundary thing. I don’t quite get boundaries yet. Normally, I’ve been setting up Saturday as my Sabbat sort of day. I do socializing on Sundays so I never really considered that a day of rest and normally my schedule isn’t this hectic. I’m just not good at always being on the go. If I do go to my godbrother’s party on Saturday, it’ll only be for a little bit. I don’t like the idea of parties to begin with.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Don’t feel bad, I spent my whole life growing up not having any idea what boundaries were really either. This is something I’m just figuring out too. Really though it’s the power to say for yourself what is okay and what is not okay rather than allowing others define that for you. In concept I get it and it makes sense. In practice though it’s proving to be really hard to tell people “No, this isn’t okay.” or “I can’t do this.” I am getting better though as people are getting more used to me doing it. It’s definitely a give and take process.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, like a bubble thing? I don’t like being touched and I don’t like people being too close to me, so me mum says I have a personal bubble that I don’t like encroached upon. So, like that, only with ideas and situations rather than personal space?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well yes but it’s also about your time – how you spend it and with whom. Like that day you decided not to be friends with someone anymore because they were toxic. That was setting boundaries. That was saying “It’s not okay to treat me this way, therefore I’m not going to hang out with you.” When you don’t have good boundaries people walk all over you in the sense that they define you, tell you who you are, and what you will do. So yes exactly, everyone does indeed need that internal “spiritual bubble” to maintain identity. At first everyone in my family was upset as I placed boundaries. They claimed I was changing, even though I felt I wasn’t. As I became more stable with the boundaries in place everyone became happier. I think your bubble comparison here is perfect actually because I’m not sure how else to explain what boundaries really are other than to say it’s like having a fenced in lawn.

        Liked by 1 person

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