Ah, another two-post day. Why two posts? Because I had purchased a brand-new toothbrush today. I mean, I wouldn’t go out and intentionally purchase a used one, that would be gross. But this toothbrush, despite costing less than 2 dollars, makes me happy. I love new things like toothbrushes or water bottles or notebooks or planners.
So, I started to study my Japanese tonight. All week, all I’ve been doing is review work. Review. Review. Review. I didn’t pick up any new material because I hadn’t been feeling well. Tonight, I went into the new sections to learn new grammar and vocabulary. It felt so good. I could almost literally feel the stress and tension of the week so far just melt away. Then I grabbed my new toothbrush and flossed my teeth and cleaned poor Neko-chan’s poop box. (I’m so sorry, babygirl. Mummy hadn’t been feeling well.)
I cannot begin to describe to you how normal that made me. The night routine that I had been slacking off of all week because I had non-routine happenings going on is what helped me get back on track with my mental state. I am a happier and more joyful person with my routine and schedules. Even if my days are a bit wonky sometimes, so long as I keep to a normal routine at night when I’m home, I should be fine.
I think it’s kind of funny. I am both trying so hard to accept myself as I am and trying to change everything that I think is a weird or non-effective trait. I don’t like having to stick to routines and neither do I like having a change in my routine. Which is more effective? Being harsh on something that helps me function or allowing myself to enjoy the thing that helps me function?
I think enjoying the thing that helps me function is a bit more effective. Charon is always on about choosing what is effective. I haven’t been the most willing person when it comes to effectiveness. It’s all been about shallow things and not really about digging deep inside and figuring out the core of the matter.
One of the first things I ever said to Charon was that I was a really super awesome person and it’s really sad because I don’t actually like me. I never really elaborated to her on the subject and I still try and skirt around talking about the Autism thing with her. Honestly, I’m more than just a bit ashamed of it.
Shocking, isn’t it? When I tell people I’ve got the Autism, I either get the “I wouldn’t have guessed, you look ‘normal'” or I get the “Oh, yeah, I can totally see that”. I don’t like telling people because I don’t know which answer is worse. I feel like an imposter when someone says the first bit but I feel like a freak when someone says the second bit. Which is it, Sarcastic Autist-chan? How do you really feel?
I feel like, everytime I’ve tried to share something personal like that with a friend, they told me to bugger off. I was looking for attention. I was trying to copy them. I was being a delusional twat and needed serious psychiatric intervention. Kuma-chan and Mama Bear and Cthlulu Bait never did that. They took what I said at face value and let me be myself without worrying about repercussions.
When I first started cutting, I didn’t realize it was something people were ashamed about and that you should probably cover up. I thought it was just a way to release the energy in such a way that was a bit more socially acceptable than having full on Autism Meltdowns and age 15. I stopped being so violent outwards and started being more violent inwards, I guess. But anyway, I was told that it was attention seeking behavior and I was telling everyone “look at me, I’m so Emo right now. Pay attention to me” sort of thing.
It was more of a “look at me, I have no idea what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing and everyone is ignoring the underlying problem and just addressing the surface issues” sort of thing. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (very wrongly, no one on my current care team can figure out why the fuck the Autism went so long without being addressed, especially considering I’ve been having issues with behaviour and such since I was but a wee little lass with a speech impediment like Elmer Fudd).
So, Charon has been working with me a lot with the Autism traits I’ve got. Instead of assuming that I’m just being a whiny little brat, she has taken the time to notice and help me understand that I am who I am and just because someone else says I’m one thing, that doesn’t make it so.
It’s been super effective. I often find myself still falling into the traps of my Ex. I catch myself calling myself a bloody moron, an attention seeking git. I’m just being delusional. I’m nothing but a Borderline Personality addict and I’ll never amount to anything and I’ll grow old and fat and die alone. Because no one would ever love someone like me.
She fucked with my brain a lot. So did a lot of people. I’m a brutally honest person sometimes. I say things and I mean them. I don’t exactly have a subtle nature and when I’m sarcastic, it’s a very noticeable bit of sarcasm. I’ve been told that I’m feeling certain ways and that I mean words certain ways even when I know I don’t. I can’t possibly understand this or it’s impossible for me to understand that. I can’t be the way I am because that’s not what other people are.
It’s not effective listening to other people like that. I know me best. I know when I’m purposely being a little shit and when I’m just really confused and don’t understand what’s going on. I know when I’m mad or sad about something. I may not be able to tell it right away unless it’s a major emotional thing, but I can normally tell later.
It’s not effective for me to listen to what other people think I should be and ignore what works for me. It’s definitely not effective to be comparing myself to my Autistic cousins or any of my Autistic friends. First off, I’m the only female I know with Autism and second off, Autism doesn’t present itself uniformly across the board. Neither does everyone’s tips and tricks work for everyone else.
I keep forgetting that I’m my own person and that I’m in charge of my life. No one else can live my life for me. No one else can decide what’s best for me. Only I can do that.
It’s the only way to be effective.
-The Sarcastic Autist