Hello, friends. Ah, where to start. Today, I’ve been running on less than 3 hours sleep again. Okaasan had gotten really sick and was throwing up so I was cleaning out her buckets. Bodily fluids don’t bother me if they come out the mouth. Poop and pee do. Because that shit is gross, yo. Anyway, she ended up going to the Emergency Room shortly after I left for my psychiatrist. Okaasan has kidney stones and another infection.
Okaasan had gotten really sick around this time last year with kidney stones and infection. She refused to go to the doctor for the longest time and she ended up in the Intensive Care Unit over the Christmas Holiday. She was gone for nearly a week, I think. And she had to keep going back.
Everyone kept commenting on how wonderful it was for me to be there to help her and how awesome I am for doing this. I did nearly every chore in the house again and it was like being back in High School, but I didn’t get a break to go to school and my brother wasn’t there to assist me either. It was awful. I can barely take care of myself.
I know people tell me that I’m more capable than I realize and stuff, but I’m really not. I know what my limitations are. I can draw them quite clearly. I know I’m not athletic enough to be a famous athlete, ever. I know I’m not quite Einstein or Hawking. I am smart and I’m not nearly as fat as I used to be. (168.9 this morning).
There are things that I just can’t do. I want to learn how to drive. There’s too much going on even when I’m passively sitting in a vehicle for me to safely operate it. It’s too noisy and too bumpy and there’s too much visually stimulating things going on for me to be able to do it. I end up listening to my music with my eyes closed or staring at the floor or retreating to my safe space in my head. I just can’t.
I don’t hate me mum. I mean, I’m not particularly fond of her, but I’m not as hateful towards her as I used to be. She’s too much like a bloody idiot for me to stay mad at her for long. But you know why she keeps getting sick? She eats all this junk food. No wonder my eating disorder just keeps getting more exacerbated. She will buy hundreds of dollars of junk food each month and consume it all and then beg me for money for a bag of jellies or some chocolate.
That’s why she keeps getting sick. She has this mentality that she can just cheat a little bit on her special diet and be fine. “This food is low ocelot or whatever and therefore I can have an endless supply of it”. She had the weight loss surgery around 10 years back and she maybe lost 100 lbs. But she gained a lot of it back. She never changed her eating habits or got help for her eating disorder.
Me mum is a bit delusional. We all can be gravely misinformed when it comes to nutrition and the calorie counting and micro and macro and all that fun stuff. I know I firmly believed all sorts of fatlogic before I started learning nutritional stuff on my own. It’s not taught in schools and parents tend not to realize the importance of it sometimes. I’m not trying to preach or be all mean. I’m stating facts. Knowing what good nutrition is and knowing what sort of diet is best for me was a very hard thing to learn and I’m still learning. It’s fucking hard.
But people like Okaasan don’t see that their diet is wrong. They see that the diet the doctor gave them is wrong because cheating a couple of times is nothing to fret about. If I cheat on my diet and consume nuts, I could and probably would die. If I slip up and I don’t pay much attention and consume something with either Dairy or Egg products, I get very ill. I know how hard it is to keep on this diet that I have. But I have to or I could die.
Okaasan doesn’t see that. She didn’t give this diet a proper go and she’s not taking proper care of herself and everyone is expecting me to make sure she’s not going to die and I am not her mother. I don’t call her Mum. Yes, she is me mum, but she’s not me Mum. She doesn’t deserve to be called one. And I don’t deserve to have to take care of her either.
Okaasan has been bugging me to get on her lease so I can be here legally. I started staying here more often after her last hospital stint so I could help look after her, but I’m still technically homeless. And I hate it here. I hate everything about this short town and I hate that I don’t have the freedom to go anywhere and I hate that I have to live with someone who can’t be bothered to shower more than maybe once a week sometimes.
I hate it. I feel so trapped and I don’t think I would feel so bad if she understood what was going on with me. I hate that she keeps telling everyone about my mental health stuff because I’m a fucking adult. That is my story to tell or not to tell. And she doesn’t get it right most of the time. I’ve tried to tell her to bugger off about it and she doesn’t. She doesn’t seem to understand that she’s crossing the boundary thing and keeps pulling the ‘mum’ card.
It’s hell. I feel like my heart is breaking and like I’m breaking and like I should just give in and stay here with her. It was hard for me to move out the first time. It’ll be harder this time because I won’t have anyone to rely on and I don’t qualify for the group homes because I’m “too high functioning” but I don’t qualify for independent living because I’m “not functioning enough”. What the bloody hell?
I don’t want to live here anymore. I don’t want to have to take care of someone who is killing themselves with food. It only exacerbates my own eating disorder stuff and adds more stress in my life and I’m just not capable of handling this. I don’t know what to do and it seems no one is listening when I tell them how gods awful it is. I keep being told to just buck up and deal, she’s me mum, I owe her, it can’t be that hard. It’s not like I’m especially busy. I’m on disability because I get over-stressed and overstimulated and overwhelmed easily. I can’t handle the stress of a part-time job so I really don’t know how I can pull off being a live-in carer for someone. I can’t.
I’m just so tired of it. I’m not a mum. I’m not a care-giver. I’m barely an adult who can wipe their own ass. I’ve got me own issues and no one seems to care about them and all I want to do today is cry and hide but no one will let me and I hate it. I hate all of it just so so much.
-The Sarcastic Autist