Me Mum

Hello, friends.  Ah, where to start.  Today, I’ve been running on less than 3 hours sleep again.  Okaasan had gotten really sick and was throwing up so I was cleaning out her buckets.  Bodily fluids don’t bother me if they come out the mouth.  Poop and pee do.  Because that shit is gross, yo.  Anyway, she ended up going to the Emergency Room shortly after I left for my psychiatrist.  Okaasan has kidney stones and another infection.

Okaasan had gotten really sick around this time last year with kidney stones and infection.  She refused to go to the doctor for the longest time and she ended up in the Intensive Care Unit over the Christmas Holiday.  She was gone for nearly a week, I think.  And she had to keep going back.

Everyone kept commenting on how wonderful it was for me to be there to help her and how awesome I am for doing this.  I did nearly every chore in the house again and it was like being back in High School, but I didn’t get a break to go to school and my brother wasn’t there to assist me either.  It was awful.  I can barely take care of myself.

I know people tell me that I’m more capable than I realize and stuff, but I’m really not.  I know what my limitations are.  I can draw them quite clearly.  I know I’m not athletic enough to be a famous athlete, ever.  I know I’m not quite Einstein or Hawking.  I am smart and I’m not nearly as fat as I used to be.  (168.9 this morning).

There are things that I just can’t do.  I want to learn how to drive.  There’s too much going on even when I’m passively sitting in a vehicle for me to safely operate it.  It’s too noisy and too bumpy and there’s too much visually stimulating things going on for me to be able to do it.  I end up listening to my music with my eyes closed or staring at the floor or retreating to my safe space in my head.  I just can’t.

I don’t hate me mum.  I mean, I’m not particularly fond of her, but I’m not as hateful towards her as I used to be.  She’s too much like a bloody idiot for me to stay mad at her for long.  But you know why she keeps getting sick?  She eats all this junk food.  No wonder my eating disorder just keeps getting more exacerbated.   She will buy hundreds of dollars of junk food each month and consume it all and then beg me for money for a bag of jellies or some chocolate.

That’s why she keeps getting sick.  She has this mentality that she can just cheat a little bit on her special diet and be fine.  “This food is low ocelot or whatever and therefore I can have an endless supply of it”.  She had the weight loss surgery around 10 years back and she maybe lost 100 lbs.  But she gained a lot of it back.  She never changed her eating habits or got help for her eating disorder.

Me mum is a bit delusional.  We all can be gravely misinformed when it comes to nutrition and the calorie counting and micro and macro and all that fun stuff.  I know I firmly believed all sorts of fatlogic before I started learning nutritional stuff on my own.  It’s not taught in schools and parents tend not to realize the importance of it sometimes.  I’m not trying to preach or be all mean.  I’m stating facts.  Knowing what good nutrition is and knowing what sort of diet is best for me was a very hard thing to learn and I’m still learning.  It’s fucking hard.

But people like Okaasan don’t see that their diet is wrong.  They see that the diet the doctor gave them is wrong because cheating a couple of times is nothing to fret about.  If I cheat on my diet and consume nuts, I could and probably would die.  If I slip up and I don’t pay much attention and consume something with either Dairy or Egg products, I get very ill.  I know how hard it is to keep on this diet that I have.  But I have to or I could die.

Okaasan doesn’t see that.  She didn’t give this diet a proper go and she’s not taking proper care of herself and everyone is expecting me to make sure she’s not going to die and I am not her mother.  I don’t call her Mum.  Yes, she is me mum, but she’s not me Mum.  She doesn’t deserve to be called one.  And I don’t deserve to have to take care of her either.

Okaasan has been bugging me to get on her lease so I can be here legally.  I started staying here more often after her last hospital stint so I could help look after her, but I’m still technically homeless.  And I hate it here.  I hate everything about this short town and I hate that I don’t have the freedom to go anywhere and I hate that I have to live with someone who can’t be bothered to shower more than maybe once a week sometimes.

I hate it.  I feel so trapped and I don’t think I would feel so bad if she understood what was going on with me.  I hate that she keeps telling everyone about my mental health stuff because I’m a fucking adult.  That is my story to tell or not to tell.  And she doesn’t get it right most of the time.  I’ve tried to tell her to bugger off about it and she doesn’t.  She doesn’t seem to understand that she’s crossing the boundary thing and keeps pulling the ‘mum’ card.

It’s hell.  I feel like my heart is breaking and like I’m breaking and like I should just give in and stay here with her.  It was hard for me to move out the first time.  It’ll be harder this time because I won’t have anyone to rely on and I don’t qualify for the group homes because I’m “too high functioning” but I don’t qualify for independent living because I’m “not functioning enough”.  What the bloody hell?

I don’t want to live here anymore.  I don’t want to have to take care of someone who is killing themselves with food.  It only exacerbates my own eating disorder stuff and adds more stress in my life and I’m just not capable of handling this.  I don’t know what to do and it seems no one is listening when I tell them how gods awful it is.  I keep being told to just buck up and deal, she’s me mum, I owe her, it can’t be that hard.  It’s not like I’m especially busy.  I’m on disability because I get over-stressed and overstimulated and overwhelmed easily.  I can’t handle the stress of a part-time job so I really don’t know how I can pull off being a live-in carer for someone.  I can’t.

I’m just so tired of it.  I’m not a mum.  I’m not a care-giver.  I’m barely an adult who can wipe their own ass.  I’ve got me own issues and no one seems to care about them and all I want to do today is cry and hide but no one will let me and I hate it.  I hate all of it just so so much.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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12 thoughts on “Me Mum

    • I have a case manager but there’s few openings and stuff for places and a few they take all but $95 dollars and expect you to live off that for a month. I tried one once but they wouldn’t let me have a cat, I had to room with someone who kept going through my stuff and the staff were completely unhelpful. They also didn’t have strict allergen procedures so I couldn’t eat most of the time and then they got all pissy when I said I wouldn’t pay them for meals if I had to pay for me own food because I have a very strict diet for my health.

      Anyway, so I won’t go back to another one of those places because I came out worse than I was going in and they wouldn’t let me have my cat and they touched my stuff. That is my stuff and they can’t be touching it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Weird. I don’t know how it works in your state but here in our state there are more options than just group homes or facilities. I would think that a case manager would be helping you find an affordable home that meets your needs.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Another issue is that a lot of places have waiting lists and I am not a priority. Which, yeah, is pretty stupid and pretty stressful because I keep having to fill out paperwork and I hate paperwork. Paperwork is stupid.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh yea the waiting lists for anything around here is pretty horrendous too. It’s a shame that you are considered low priority. House hoping (when you aren’t a legal tenant anywhere) as you are is still technically homeless. I think it’s bullshit to dismiss that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That sounds like a good plan. I still find it odd that they aren’t taking into consideration that you are technically homeless – unless they are considering you living with your mother as being all set even though you are not a tenant there? Is your case manager aware that you are not a tenant? Sorry that’s really bugging me. When my son had a case manager and we were living with my dad, he owns his house and she really pushed hard for us to find our own place anyway. I love my dad and all but there are issues that pop up when we live together that don’t come up otherwise.

        Liked by 1 person

      • We’ve been trying but I’m probably not pulling my own weight because I haven’t a clue what I’m supposed to do. I’ve never had my own place or anything and I don’t know how to apartment search or anything like that. I’m about to just say fuck it and live with me mum, but that makes me feel depressed.

        Like

      • The first time on your own is overwhelming and scary! And each location is a little different in terms of searching when it comes to low income housing. I’m not even all that familiar with how it works in my state other than the waiting list is long as hell. I found a place for us on my own long before our name came up on the list. That’s how long the wait was and this was with the voucher system. Sadly the apartment I found wasn’t eligible for the vouchers. But whatever, the point is we got a place and my dad and I stopped locking horns. We both have to have things exactly a certain way but it’s not always the same way.

        If you don’t need low income housing specifically, then just hit the newspapers to read the ads. Many landlords will post their apartments in those. Some will post apartments online now too. But this is the part where it will get challenging for you and your case manager will need to step in to help. Try making an appointment with your case manager and just go through those ads if a regular apartment will work for you. Pick out a few that sound good to you so your case manager can make the phone calls. You and your case manager are going to need to look at those apartments and speak with the landlord. You will need to look for ones that say pet friendly. Most landlords will state when they aren’t in their ads, so if they mention nothing be sure to ask.

        Another option you have is to just flat out ask your case manager what you need to do to speed up the process. Tell her that you are new to this process and you are lost as to what to do.

        Like

      • I think I need a place that will force me to go out and socialize once in a while. For the most part, unless it’s something I was given great notice on or is part of my schedule and routine, I won’t go and actively pursue activities. I tend to become reclusive and content with nothing but books for company. When I isolate like that, my Autism stuff gets worse. That’s not something I want to deal with again. I forgot to call her up again today because I hadn’t written it down. I’m going to write it on my Memo-Board that I have by my monthly calender. Without constant reminders, I am lost.
        I do need low-income housing because I am poor and on disability. I want to look into maybe having a small job somewhere but I have to be careful that it’s not at a place that can overwhelm me easily. It makes me feel rather hopeless and small when I start taking my limitations into consideration.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry it makes you feel that way. 😦 I certainly understand how it feels: like you’re stuck in a box or something. But the upside of having that box is you know the dimensions of it and you can work with it. You know what you need so now you can work for it.

        Liked by 1 person

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