Hey all. It’s early in the wee hours of the morning and I can’t seem to get myself to fall back asleep. I have my yearly physical later today and so I can’t even have coffee.
So you all get to endure the random thoughts that are keeping me up (besides my video game addiction, that is).
I keep thinking back to why I miss high school sometimes. I talk about it a lot, and even though it sucked hardcore, I sort of miss it. I realized it’s because I had a lot of friends in high school. It’s where I managed to have more than just one or two friends and there were a handful of people I actually hung out with outside of school hours. That’s a huge deal for me because I tend to think of school stuff needing to stay at school and work stuff needing to stay at work and home stuff needing to stay at home.
School is where I socialized and where I got my peopling skills. I learned a lot in high school, like, because I have boobs, I should probably always wear a bra. It’s not appropriate to randomly yell random stuff, especially since I don’t always know if something is sexual or not. I should think before I speak and people don’t like it if you don’t use disclaimers like “I’m sorry, but a head’s up; I’m not always the most tonal person so if I’m sounding a bit monotone, let me know so I can verify my emotional state to you”. Stuff like that.
I wish that I could go back to high school, sometimes, so I could do things a little different. I wouldn’t hang out with Bitch Face because I’m easily impressionable and she managed to get me isolated from a lot of people. I’d still hang out with Awesome Ex-Girlfriend because she’s awesome. I wouldn’t waste all my time trying to get people to like me by acting dumb, either.
People are threatened by smarter people. I’d be able to coast by without ever really studying and I’d read all the required material well before we were supposed to finish it. I’ve always had a larger than normal vocabulary and I distinctly remember writing a sonnet that was only supposed to have one word per line and having the class state that I must have used a dictionary or something. I didn’t. I’m just super awesome like that.
I also got teased a lot for my facial tic thing and my stutter and the way I took everything at face value. I sometimes wonder how many of my ‘friends’ were actually friends and not just people who were teasing me. I know Kuma-Chan and Mama Bear and Cthlulu Bait are my real friends, even though we’ve only ever talked online. It’s just sort of sad to me that I can’t distinguish friend from bully most of the time.
I’ve always had a sort of super nice personality. I like helping people and making people happy. I know for a fact that this has gotten me in trouble so many times that I couldn’t count it if it I tried. It’s also a huge supporting issue on why I keep finding myself in abusive relationships. How many times have I been taken advantage of because I wanted to help others? I have no idea. More than I can count.
I know a majority of these things are Autism issues. It’s just nice to be able to go online and talk about it anonymously without people telling me that I’m being a drama queen or that I need to get over myself. I love that I can go on this blog and tell how I feel and what I think without being told that I’m wrong or being stupid.
I love hearing from juanspinkelephant (by the way, my therapist does think I should give Living On the Spectrum a try, thanks for the suggestion) because they are such a sweetheart and I feel like I can relate a bit. I love my conversations with ToadieOdie because she’s a brilliant person with great insight and holy moly, that woman is super duper smart and can explain things without making me feel stupid.
I love being able to whine and not really contribute anything in ways of my Journey to a Life More Worth Living without being told that I’m simply not trying hard enough or that I’m being stubborn or that it doesn’t really matter anyway because I’m never going to be able to do anything because Autism.
It’s just so nice having this safe place to go to. It’s something I look forward to every day. It doesn’t matter that I’m not always super insightful or having a thousand word post, being able to just jot down the thoughts of the day and whatever is going on in my life has been just so helpful for me. It makes me feel so grateful.
Anyway, I’m going to see if I can get back to sleep. Thank you all for being so wonderful.
-The Sarcastic Autist