Early Morning Ramblings

Hey all.  It’s early in the wee hours of the morning and I can’t seem to get myself to fall back asleep.  I have my yearly physical later today and so I can’t even have coffee.

So you all get to endure the random thoughts that are keeping me up (besides my video game addiction, that is).

I keep thinking back to why I miss high school sometimes.  I talk about it a lot, and even though it sucked hardcore, I sort of miss it.  I realized it’s because I had a lot of friends in high school.  It’s where I managed to have more than just one or two friends and there were a handful of people I actually hung out with outside of school hours.  That’s a huge deal for me because I tend to think of school stuff needing to stay at school and work stuff needing to stay at work and home stuff needing to stay at home.

School is where I socialized and where I got my peopling skills.  I learned a lot in high school, like, because I have boobs, I should probably always wear a bra.  It’s not appropriate to randomly yell random stuff, especially since I don’t always know if something is sexual or not.  I should think before I speak and people don’t like it if you don’t use disclaimers like “I’m sorry, but a head’s up; I’m not always the most tonal person so if I’m sounding a bit monotone, let me know so I can verify my emotional state to you”. Stuff like that.

I wish that I could go back to high school, sometimes, so I could do things a little different.  I wouldn’t hang out with Bitch Face because I’m easily impressionable and she managed to get me isolated from a lot of people.  I’d still hang out with Awesome Ex-Girlfriend because she’s awesome.  I wouldn’t waste all my time trying to get people to like me by acting dumb, either.

People are threatened by smarter people.  I’d be able to coast by without ever really studying and I’d read all the required material well before we were supposed to finish it.  I’ve always had a larger than normal vocabulary and I distinctly remember writing a sonnet that was only supposed to have one word per line and having the class state that I must have used a dictionary or something.  I didn’t.  I’m just super awesome like that.

I also got teased a lot for my facial tic thing and my stutter and the way I took everything at face value.  I sometimes wonder how many of my ‘friends’ were actually friends and not just people who were teasing me.  I know Kuma-Chan and Mama Bear and Cthlulu Bait are my real friends, even though we’ve only ever talked online.  It’s just sort of sad to me that I can’t distinguish friend from bully most of the time.

I’ve always had a sort of super nice personality.  I like helping people and making people happy.  I know for a fact that this has gotten me in trouble so many times that I couldn’t count it if it I tried.  It’s also a huge supporting issue on why I keep finding myself in abusive relationships.  How many times have I been taken advantage of because I wanted to help others?  I have no idea.  More than I can count.

I know a majority of these things are Autism issues.  It’s just nice to be able to go online and talk about it anonymously without people telling me that I’m being a drama queen or that I need to get over myself. I love that I can go on this blog and tell how I feel and what I think without being told that I’m wrong or being stupid.

I love hearing from juanspinkelephant (by the way, my therapist does think I should give Living On the Spectrum a try, thanks for the suggestion) because they are such a sweetheart and I feel like I can relate a bit.  I love my conversations with ToadieOdie because she’s a brilliant person with great insight and holy moly, that woman is super duper smart and can explain things without making me feel stupid.

I love being able to whine and not really contribute anything in ways of my Journey to a Life More Worth Living without being told that I’m simply not trying hard enough or that I’m being stubborn or that it doesn’t really matter anyway because I’m never going to be able to do anything because Autism.

It’s just so nice having this safe place to go to.  It’s something I look forward to every day.  It doesn’t matter that I’m not always super insightful or having a thousand word post, being able to just jot down the thoughts of the day and whatever is going on in my life has been just so helpful for me.  It makes me feel so grateful.

Anyway, I’m going to see if I can get back to sleep. Thank you all for being so wonderful.

-The Sarcastic Autist


8 thoughts on “Early Morning Ramblings

  1. For what’s it’s worth, you’re not stupid. Not knowing something is usually due to a lack of exposure or lack of experience. That’s the essence of knowledge and everyone’s body of knowledge is quite diverse. Now the essence of intelligence is the capacity to take in the exposure and experience and understand it. Everybody has this but it’s a question of speed – like a computer processor. And finally there is the essence of wisdom: the capacity to pull the other two together and use it. For what is knowledge without wisdom? The first two come naturally as functions of our brain but wisdom takes practice. Sometimes we have to use creative thinking to take what we know from the past to apply it to our current situation.

    I think part of the reason we communicate so well is because we are online. I fear that if we were in person that my pressured speech would overwhelm you. At least here I get the chance to edit and filter out random ideas that want to leak through and you get the opportunity to read at your comfortable pace. Here we have natural boundaries that work for us and we were quickly able to find a stride. Face to face it would take us longer to figure out how to communicate comfortably to each other. Not to mention that online emotion is lost and I am an emotional storm more often than not. I have no doubt that this alone would be overwhelming. It is for most people if I don’t keep it in constant check.

    I’m relieved to know that I don’t make you feel stupid. It’s never my goal when talking to anyone – well with one exception: my husband but only because he’s constantly showing off how smart he is which pisses me off. I try not to be petty but I can’t help pointing out when he uses a word wrong. Don’t like it then don’t use archaic words in normal conversation. Last time he set me off was when he asked for our son’s medical records for his edification. No idea exactly why only he specifically sets me off like that, but he does. Maybe because I have to actually look up the words he uses only to find that he used them incorrectly. Not sure which annoys me more: the fact that he uses these obscure words to make himself look smart, the fact he insists that they are normal everyday words, that I had to look them up, or that in the end he used them incorrectly. As for edification I even looked up the statistical usage of the word and have found that in the last four or five decades that it hasn’t been used in print for more than 1% of the time. It has two uses. The first means moral and religious enlightenment and the second is the decorative fortification of a structure. Neither definition applies to the need of medical records. I only share this rant with you because I get the feeling you share my interest with words, their definitions, etc. Everybody else thinks I’m being petty and angry over nothing. But this man mangles words and then tries to pass it off as brilliance but if you call him on it, you’re somehow at fault. It really pisses me off. The sad part is this is only one part of his charade, otherwise I think I could over look it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay, yeah, no. What your husband does is basically word torture. I would have an aneurysm or something if I had to deal with such assholery every day. There’s using random words that people don’t always know, such as ire or labial, and using them in the correct way and using words like edification or acquiesce and expecting everyone to know what those words mean. I do not think myself as a violent person, but holy hell, I think I would be a very violent person if I had to deal with such a monstrous misuse of vocabulary.

      I also agree that I think we would have a much harder time talking if we were face to face. I tend to get distracted and stutter a lot and lose focus, especially after more than a few sentences. I also appreciate that you don’t think I’m stupid. People keep saying I’m wise and I don’t see it. Then again, I have a rather distorted view of myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well I don’t think I’m all that brilliant so I think we’re even. 😉

        Word torture huh? I suppose that’s a good way of describing it. All I know is that he seems to do it to make himself look smarter than the people in the room around him. That makes me mad. There’s no need for that when the truly smart thing to do is to use words the people you are talking to understand. What good is communication if no one gets what you’re saying? I don’t mind learning new words – heck I don’t mind learning. I’m not afraid to say “I don’t know,” either but… this is different. For example, you and I talk about stuff. We share ideas, explore thoughts, problem solve, and so on. It feels like a learning and uplifting process for both of us. It’s not like that with him. It ends up one sided somehow, like it’s a competition. And for some reason I get caught up in it. Some reason my ego demands that I have to prove that I am smart when in truth I shouldn’t need to. There is know point in doing so. It’s like pouring gasoline onto a fire; it’s just makes it worse. The more I try to prove I’m not stupid, the more he ups the ante. Yet I take the bait every time. It’s something I need to start watching out for. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • My therapist says that relationships are give and take, much like communication. In a relationship, if both parties aren’t equally sending and receiving each other’s feelings and thoughts and stuff, if one is taking more or sending more in a way that makes the relationship unstable, that person is a douche. It’s kind of like, with my cousins who are on the Spectrum, one of them is a complete asshat and won’t admit he’s wrong when he’s clearly wrong. If you show him that he’s wrong he gets all pissy and stuff. It’s not how a person grows. I mean, it’s kind of like a need to be a show-off with him. “Look how smart and amazing I am. You are not as smart and amazing as me, and therefore you are a stupid doo-doo head”. It’s ridiculous.
        Something I enjoy is proving that I am in fact smarter than him because he’s such an intolerable know-it-all. Sometimes people need a harsh lesson in reality.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s how it is with my husband too. The problem is that we were raised in the military and they did IQ tests for all of us. My mother will take those results to her grave. The only one made public was my baby brother thanks to a “helpful” teacher that paid a personal visit to my parents’ house once my dad retired and we moved out to the country. Suddenly everyone knew he was exceptionally gifted. When my husband joined the Army he was given the same test and expected to score just as high… not even remotely close. He is the average of average. So now he shows off even more than before and any time any of us quote some fact or whatever, he has to hit the internet in an attempt to prove us wrong. It has become this ridiculous ego war over who is the smartest when it’s really about knowledge. Ugh, IQ isn’t about what you know. IQ is about how fast you process information but my husband refuses to accept that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Getting IQ tests are mandatory where I am in order to get an IEP for school. It’s also mandatory when it comes to psychological testing or something sometimes. I always figured that IQ was more of a guideline to how well someone can process and retain information rather than actual intelligence. I mean, there’s nerdy book smart like me and emotional smartness like Kuma-Chan. I think your husband wants to be a special snowflake and is being an ass about it. But that’s my perception and sometimes I take things too literal.

        Liked by 1 person

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