A Year’s Journey

Happy Friday, everyone!  I’ve just got out of the shower and I feel so clean and wonderful wearing my Batman undies and my Love Conquers All sweater.  I’m wearing other clothes, for the record.  I just feel wonderful and comfortable in these ones.  This is my new favourite sweater.

I woke up this morning around 7 a.m. my time.  I’m normally not up that early.  I couldn’t get back to sleep because I started thinking about what all DBT has done for me.  I’ve only been attending group since January.  I’ll have been seeing Charon for a year next month.  I’ve been seeing Styx, my psychiatrist, since last August.

I want to, firstly, say that last year in August was when Exacerbating Ex had taking the majority of my disability check for the umpteenth time and then kicked me out and told everyone that I stole drugs from the elderly neighbor man with a heart condition.  It has been a year this month that I’ve been stuck here with me mum for the most part.  It’s been a year since I was blacklisted from people I thought were my friends and labelled a liar and a thief and someone who would steal from elderly neighbors with heart conditions.

It’s also been one of the most amazing years I’ve ever had.  I am 166.1 pounds (that’s 75.341 kilograms).  At my highest weight I was 297 pounds (134.171 kilograms).  Last summer, at this time, I weighed in at around 240 pounds (108.862 kilograms).  That’s give or take 10 pounds water weight because of purging.  I’m down from a plus-size 26 to a junior’s 14.  I look nothing like I did even at the beginning of this year.

I’ve been working on treating myself with Compassion and Understanding.  I’ve started my own system of beliefs that suit my needs and that I can understand and stand by.  I don’t call myself names nearly as much as I did last year.  I’m not as hard on myself and I haven’t cut since the very beginning of the year.  I haven’t purged in months.  I try to respect my own body’s limitations so I don’t push myself too hard.  I mean, I still do, but I try not to.

I’ve been sober from drugs for 8 months.  It’s probably been since last November, but I’m only counting since January because that’s easier.  I quit smoking too.  I haven’t had a drink of alcohol since I lived with Exacerbating Ex.  I went to a party in February, with actual people that wanted me there and not as a plus-one.  I was invited.

I got back into contact with Kuma-Chan and Mama Bear and Cthulu Bait and Boris.  I stopped being friends with Boris because she lied to me about stuff and it still breaks my heart.  I started attending church again with my Godmother, that crazy church lady that I adore despite her not respecting my boundaries all the time.  I started attending group for DBT.

Since I started actually doing DBT, I’ve become more self-aware.  I’ve noticed things that bother me and am able to stop and give myself a time-out before I get too overwhelmed and shut down.  I’m understanding more about what things I do and why I do them.  I don’t act impulsively nearly as much (unless I am super anxious).  I stop and ask myself why I’m doing something or why I want to do something so I can get to the root of the problem rather than just being a little shit.

I’m learning that it’s okay for me to be me.  Charon says that everyone develops in their own time.  There’s a book I’ve got on my wishlist that she recommended so I wouldn’t feel like such a waffle all the time.  I’m not as immature as I think I am.  People keep calling me wise for reasons I don’t know nor do I understand when they tell me.

I try not to bottle up my feelings.  I like coming here every day and typing everything out that’s been bothering me.  I’ve learned that this is the best coping mechanism for me because I can’t always be all verbal.  I’ve learned that I’m awesome in my own special way and just because I don’t always act 100% awesome 100% of the time, that doesn’t take away from my awesomeness.

I don’t have to be perfect and I don’t need everything to be exactly the way I want it because fuck you Okaasan, stop touching my shit.  I can deal with little bumps and twists in the Path of my Life without having a shut-down over it.  I manage to express myself a little better by letting myself spaz/stim/whatever you want to call it.

I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter what happened in the past.  I mean, yes, it does to an extent and I still have all the PTSD shit and all that.  It just doesn’t matter as much.  I guess I should say it still matters, it just doesn’t bother me as much as it used to.  I still avoid a lot of things.  I’m still really good at avoiding.  I don’t do it as often.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to take breaks and to explain to people about my needs and that I am my own person with my own life.  I’ve learned it’s okay to have emotions and to talk about them.  I don’t really do that, but I know it’s okay to do that now and I want to learn how to do that without feeling shame and like an idiot because emotion-words fail me unless I’m typing or writing.

It’s okay that I don’t know everything.  I don’t have to know everything and be Number One Son.  I’m only responsible for me and my actions and my thoughts and my beliefs.  What other people do is not my fault and I can’t be expected to cater to everyone else and ignore my own needs.  I’m my own person.

I don’t have to have all my shit together yet.  I’m still growing and learning and I will never stop learning and growing.  The only one standing in my way is me.  Yes, other people can say and do hurtful things.  They often do say and do hurtful things.  I can choose how to react.  I can choose to be awesome and use the skills and remember that no one is perfect.

I’ve learned to have Compassion and Understanding towards everyone else.  I’m not as judgemental as I used to be.  I’m still judgemental, just not as much.

I know that I’m not as far along in my journey towards a Life More Worth Living as I thought I would be.  I know that I’ve had many thoughts of suicide and self-harm and purging and starving myself.  I still don’t eat as well as I should.  I want to get better.  I’m much more aware than I was last year.  I’m much more alive and ready to live the way I want to and to stand by my own morals and be a happy and confident person.

I’m not done with DBT yet.  When I first started the program, I was very willful and arrogant that it wasn’t going to work because I was a helpless failure and all I wanted was my Viibryd and something to help me sleep at night.  It grew on me.  The people I attend group with are awesome.  They’re so much farther along than they were before.  I am so proud of them for their progress.

And I’m proud of me for mine.

Because this is my Life More Worth Living.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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