Hello, my friends. I have done nothing but study and watch Doctor Who and play video games and do Sudoku all day. I did a bit of DBT work and took a nap. I have been feeling confused and upset and ashamed.
I was thinking about quitting therapy, today. I want to quit because what Charon said yesterday about it being concerning that I’m unaware of other people’s perceptions, for the most part. I’m not the kind of person who really does anything for attention. I cut my hair because I wanted to, not because I cared about what anyone else thought. I thought it made me look more non-binary.
Maybe Charon was just trying to get me to see that people have been poking fun at me by calling me Shannay oConner or whatever that is. I’m not even going to bother to google the name to see if I got it right. Someone once told me it was some lady back in the 1980’s who shaved her head or something. Very sensational. I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t even alive back then.
I have a really hard time telling if someone is being mean or teasing me unless I know them really well or they’re yelling or being completely obvious about it. I’m oblivious. I’ve been wanting to go back to wearing hats because, looking back, people were probably making fun of my hairstyle or having a go at me. It makes me sad that I just smiled and laughed with them, thinking they were complimenting me.
It’s not Charon’s fault that I’m feeling this way. I know she was just trying to tell me that I look a bit different than other people my age. I don’t know if it’s the Japanese genes or the Autism, but I look like a teenager, not like a person in their mid-20’s. I tend to dress more like a teenager as well, I guess. I wear jeans and hoodies and t-shirts with graphics on them. I don’t like plaid or floral patterns that seem to be all the rage. I like shopping in the men’s section and the teen’s section at the store. I don’t like dress pants or anything like that because they feel uncomfortable.
Jeans and a few other sort of pants are the only things I can really wear without being all scratchy. The heavier the jeans, the better, so long as they are soft on the inside. I only wear cotton tops. It’s sensory issues. I’ve had the same basic style for 10 years now. The main difference is that I just wear a lot less black. I mean, a majority of my wardrobe is still black, but I don’t wear the heavy emo make-up or the chains or anything like that. I think I dress in nice clothes. I stay away from grunge stuff.
I don’t like feeling ashamed. I feel ashamed because I hadn’t realized that people may not like the way I dress and look and that it would make them think that I’m not a good person. I hadn’t realized that I’d be judged so heavily on what I look like. I don’t think that way. I think it’s a Theory of Mind deficit thing. I don’t judge people like that, so why do others?
Likewise, with the Theory of Mind thing, I have a hard time processing why other people do things if I wouldn’t do them. For example, people robbing other people or hurting others. I don’t understand it. I don’t really bully people and I fail to recognize when others bully me. I assume other people know what I’m talking about most of the time. It’s an Autism thing, I think. Either that or I’m just plain stupid.
I just feel really bad and don’t want to face Charon next Monday because I haven’t a clue what this homework thing is about. Look up 10 people on the internet from magazines and say whether or not I’d want to be their friend based solely on their photograph. Without knowing any additional information. Just by their picture. That’s so ridiculous, and yes I’m aware that’s judgemental in a way. It’s just so bloody confusing. How would I know if I would want to be their friend if I don’t know any of their interests or anything about their personality?
I am confused. I’m so confused and I’m upset because clearly I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I thought I was doing splendid. Yes, I have my days where I don’t want to do shit because I can be a lazy fuck. Most of the time, I’ve been working with the DBT program and trying to use the skills and go blog about things that I’ve learned so I can have it saved for later reference and to possibly help others.
I can’t help anyone if I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. I really can’t help myself like that either. I feel so lost and small and stupid right now. I don’t understand what’s going on anymore and feel like I’ve probably been making a fool out of myself for years by not understanding what other people’s intentions were or are or whatever. You know what I mean.
I’m sad and feel shame and guilty. (By the way, for those wondering what the difference between shame and guilt is, it was explained to me that shame is feeling bad about who you are and guilt is feeling bad about something you did.) I don’t want to continue therapy because I don’t want to go back and tell her that I’m feeling ashamed for not knowing something. It’s not fair. I don’t get why I’m feeling this way. It’s totally understandable if I was unaware of something simply because no one has ever brought it up to me.
I’m probably just being a twit. I’m not quitting until I at least discuss it with Charon on Monday. I won’t make this decision impulsively. No worries.
-The Sarcastic Autist