Hello, my friends. I have done nothing but study and watch Doctor Who and play video games and do Sudoku all day. I did a bit of DBT work and took a nap. I have been feeling confused and upset and ashamed.
I was thinking about quitting therapy, today. I want to quit because what Charon said yesterday about it being concerning that I’m unaware of other people’s perceptions, for the most part. I’m not the kind of person who really does anything for attention. I cut my hair because I wanted to, not because I cared about what anyone else thought. I thought it made me look more non-binary.
Maybe Charon was just trying to get me to see that people have been poking fun at me by calling me Shannay oConner or whatever that is. I’m not even going to bother to google the name to see if I got it right. Someone once told me it was some lady back in the 1980’s who shaved her head or something. Very sensational. I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t even alive back then.
I have a really hard time telling if someone is being mean or teasing me unless I know them really well or they’re yelling or being completely obvious about it. I’m oblivious. I’ve been wanting to go back to wearing hats because, looking back, people were probably making fun of my hairstyle or having a go at me. It makes me sad that I just smiled and laughed with them, thinking they were complimenting me.
It’s not Charon’s fault that I’m feeling this way. I know she was just trying to tell me that I look a bit different than other people my age. I don’t know if it’s the Japanese genes or the Autism, but I look like a teenager, not like a person in their mid-20’s. I tend to dress more like a teenager as well, I guess. I wear jeans and hoodies and t-shirts with graphics on them. I don’t like plaid or floral patterns that seem to be all the rage. I like shopping in the men’s section and the teen’s section at the store. I don’t like dress pants or anything like that because they feel uncomfortable.
Jeans and a few other sort of pants are the only things I can really wear without being all scratchy. The heavier the jeans, the better, so long as they are soft on the inside. I only wear cotton tops. It’s sensory issues. I’ve had the same basic style for 10 years now. The main difference is that I just wear a lot less black. I mean, a majority of my wardrobe is still black, but I don’t wear the heavy emo make-up or the chains or anything like that. I think I dress in nice clothes. I stay away from grunge stuff.
I don’t like feeling ashamed. I feel ashamed because I hadn’t realized that people may not like the way I dress and look and that it would make them think that I’m not a good person. I hadn’t realized that I’d be judged so heavily on what I look like. I don’t think that way. I think it’s a Theory of Mind deficit thing. I don’t judge people like that, so why do others?
Likewise, with the Theory of Mind thing, I have a hard time processing why other people do things if I wouldn’t do them. For example, people robbing other people or hurting others. I don’t understand it. I don’t really bully people and I fail to recognize when others bully me. I assume other people know what I’m talking about most of the time. It’s an Autism thing, I think. Either that or I’m just plain stupid.
I just feel really bad and don’t want to face Charon next Monday because I haven’t a clue what this homework thing is about. Look up 10 people on the internet from magazines and say whether or not I’d want to be their friend based solely on their photograph. Without knowing any additional information. Just by their picture. That’s so ridiculous, and yes I’m aware that’s judgemental in a way. It’s just so bloody confusing. How would I know if I would want to be their friend if I don’t know any of their interests or anything about their personality?
I am confused. I’m so confused and I’m upset because clearly I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I thought I was doing splendid. Yes, I have my days where I don’t want to do shit because I can be a lazy fuck. Most of the time, I’ve been working with the DBT program and trying to use the skills and go blog about things that I’ve learned so I can have it saved for later reference and to possibly help others.
I can’t help anyone if I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. I really can’t help myself like that either. I feel so lost and small and stupid right now. I don’t understand what’s going on anymore and feel like I’ve probably been making a fool out of myself for years by not understanding what other people’s intentions were or are or whatever. You know what I mean.
I’m sad and feel shame and guilty. (By the way, for those wondering what the difference between shame and guilt is, it was explained to me that shame is feeling bad about who you are and guilt is feeling bad about something you did.) I don’t want to continue therapy because I don’t want to go back and tell her that I’m feeling ashamed for not knowing something. It’s not fair. I don’t get why I’m feeling this way. It’s totally understandable if I was unaware of something simply because no one has ever brought it up to me.
I’m probably just being a twit. I’m not quitting until I at least discuss it with Charon on Monday. I won’t make this decision impulsively. No worries.
-The Sarcastic Autist
the sarcastic autist 
My therapists name is Sharon! I do CBT with her. I quit. Well, kind of, after last weeks horrible session I was supposed to go back this week but I decided I will put it on hold for a bit due to the break down it caused me afterwards – no thanks! Like you, I was given “homework”. I specifically told her I wanted to work on emotions, to know what they exactly are and how to recognise them – my homework sheets ask me to label my emotions and reactions etc – umm, can’t label something I don’t know! I was so upset and angry that she didn’t listen to me. So, no therapy for me this week!
I haven’t done DBT – but picking friends based on looks doesn’t make any sense to me either. It’s so … Un-Autistic! In my opinion her comments on how you look etc are inappropriate! If you’re comfortable with the way you look then that’s ALL that matters. Sorry, but I think Charon has got that wrong – especially considering how you feel about it after the session!
Others judging you on what you wear etc shows what kind of person THEY are, it doesn’t reflect you at all. I think female Autistics are forced to blend enough in society as is without added pressure of having to conform in appearance and attire. It’s something that pisses me off TBH.
Good on you for not quitting, I hope Charon listens to you and it gets better ❤️
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The difference between DBT and CBT is that DBT works on behaviours whereas CBT works on thoughts. At least, that’s how I understand it. I don’t know. I am not a person trained in those things.
I still have a real hard time with emotions too. I don’t know how much you do the stim thing, but I can tell what I’m feeling by what I’m physically doing with my spazzing (what I call stimming because I don’t like the way stim tastes in my mouth). When I’m in distress, like if I really have to toilet or something, I rock back and forth or when I’m anxious I pull on my ear. Otherwise, I have to look back and use the power of deduction to determine emotion. Have you checked out the Atlas of Emotions thing? I know I’ve linked to it a few times. It has to be my number one resource right now. Just a suggestion to try using it. Or you can use one of those emotion sheets with the faces that all look constipated to me.
Thank you for your support. I may just have misinterpreted it. I tend to do that. Maybe she just wants me to see how my taste in companionship looks visually? I don’t think I’ll do this homework to be honest. I’m very confused and I feel bad, but I don’t know why I’m doing it so I don’t want to.
I don’t often meet female Autists. Mostly it’s guys. Mostly family. My family is strange.
Again, thank you. You put to words things I was feeling but unable to express. I think that’s awesome.
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Hmm, why do you do one and I do a different one?
I haven’t worked out the stim/spazzing thing yet! I’m not exactly sure what constitutes, all part of my learning journey I guess 😊
Never heard of the Atlas of Emotions but I will check it out thanks! 😊 hahaha yeah, those sheets are no good lol.
Maybe? It still doesn’t make sense to me either! I think it’s better not to do it and tell her you don’t get it, it’s the only way you’ll understand it, otherwise it’ll just keep frustrating you.
Are you on Twitter? There’s heaps of females Autists on there 😊 My family is a little strange too at times lol. Glad I could help, I used “douchenugget” last night, told my sister lol she loved it! 😉
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https://www.paulekman.com/atlas-of-emotions/
I have no idea how to URL code on a comment. I just do it from my feed.
As for doing different therapies, I just looked up what the difference is and according to my good friend Google, DBT is basically just an extension of CBT. So, I was completely wrong on what those differences were. I know they normally do DBT for people with extreme emotional reactions to things, like people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have had really huge issues with anger in the past, which my drug use exacerbated. I also have Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. And I used to use drugs. It helps teach how to overcome impulsivity.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be doing DBT if it wasn’t for the fact that I actually like this therapist. It’s really hard for me to find someone I can open up to. I like to keep my personal life personal.
I am not on Twitter. I don’t think I know how to Twitter. I can ask Kuma-chan if she can help me set up a Twitter and learn how to use it. Or I can google it. Maybe I can use it as a marketing tool for my blog. I haven’t a clue. I’m not one for social media, honestly.
I’m so happy to hear that you are helping to spread “douchenugget”! I think it’s a hilarious thing and so awesome. ^_^
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I’m Bipolar and I don’t even pick my friends based on appearance. At least I don’t think I do. I will say that sometimes some people will look creepy or not creepy but I can’t make that call about a person with just a photo. It has more to do with the total overall vibe I get from the interaction with a person and it has very little to do with the way they dress or how they do their hair. Some of the creepiest people I’ve met wore business suits.
Therapy shouldn’t make you feel shame. I’m going to let my crazy Bipolar emotions run amok here and call bullshit. Therapy is supposed to help you, guide you, and most of all sort shit out. So if it’s upsetting you, causing you to feel shame, or feel confused then you should say so. Therapists are NOT the experts of you. You are. Don’t ever forget that. So if something isn’t working for you then it’s your job to tell your therapist so the two of you can try something different.
As far as your appearance goes, you need to do you. Keep doing you! Your true friends will appreciate and value you just the way you are. The dickwads out there are going to make fun of people no matter what they look like so there is no point in trying to please them. In a lot of ways I wish I was oblivious to it – or better yet not so paranoid that I believed that everyone thought that there was something to pick at. I did finally reached a point that I said “fuck it” and I stopped trying. I’m the girl that wears nursing scrubs for pants because they’re comfy with a T-shirt and a sweater – even in the summer – and heavy work shoes. My dad says I dress sloppy. I probably do look sloppy but you know what, living out here in a rural area (like a farm) what is the point in dressing to kill? I really would like to know that. I’d much rather be dressed ready to do whatever it is I might need to get done and going out on a fancy dinner date without notice just isn’t one of them. And you know what? It’s an interesting thing. The moment I said “fuck it” was the moment people stopped picking (except my parents, but they don’t count because they always will and even then they don’t do it as much) about my appearance. When you are comfortable with you it shows and in the end that’s all that matters.
She might be concerned for you but if you weren’t hurt by it (until she brought it to your attention) then where was the harm done? I don’t know if I would have said anything to you if I had seen it. If it didn’t break your heart when it happened then why make sure that it would? This is what burns my ass. If it was such a big issue why didn’t she confront them while it was occurring and try to make them change? Why did she have to wait and discuss it with you later and try to make you change? As far as I’m concerned it’s not you that needs to change, it’s the people that she claims where making fun of you. After all the wrong doing wasn’t yours, it was theirs. This has always been and will always be my biggest bone of contention. We preach as a society that we need to embrace diversity but the moment someone is different we try to change them. But there is no diversity if we are always striving to change it out of people.
I’m sorry I’ve just exploded on your blog but I regret nothing I’ve said. Maybe I have no idea what your therapist intended. Maybe she is just worried that you will get your feelings hurt but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your feelings getting hurt now just because you are being your honest self. I call bullshit on that. Fashion is fleeting and bogus anyway. It’s just one more way to control the masses if you ask me. Your authentic self on the other hand is eternal. Ever evolving yes, but eternal just the same and you are the only person stuck with it forever. Everyone else is free to walk away anytime without notice except you. Might as well be happy with it.
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Before I begin the endless reply I’ve been coming up with all day, I’m going to let you know that I’m going to be putting a lot of what you just said in my Quote Book Note Book. Particularly that last bit. That really resonates with me.
The more I’ve thought about it and the more I’ve put my personal feelings and judgements aside and focused on recalling the entirety of our conversation and not just the bit focusing on me, the more I think that she was trying to do two things with that homework.
1) She talked about how we tend to hang out with people like us. I can dig it. Like attracts like. She said that people who hang out together tend to dress similar. Or something to that extent. I don’t pay attention to such things. I hung out with all sorts of random people in my time. I think they wore clothes for most of that. If there is a pattern to the visual appearance, I would love to learn that. I love patterns. Patterns tend to be predictable.
2) I am very vulnerable when it comes to social stuff. If I don’t automatically just assume whatever someone says can be construed sexually, especially by someone of the opposite sex, I end up in very bad situations that I don’t know how to get out of. A huge thing that we think I need to work on is social cues and such, and since I rarely spend a lot of time looking at people, noticing how potential friends appear might be helpful. I don’t know. I know that my Ex said a lot of hurtful things that I didn’t realize were supposed to be hurtful until I brought it up with someone later.
3) The last time she said something this upsetting to me, she wasn’t trying to be mean, but she is a human and she is fallible and she was having a rough week. I’m not excusing it, but it’s a possibility. Really, I’m still not getting the point.
I really wish I had time to ask her about it today. There was an issue with one of the other group members and that took a lot of time. I would call her or email her, because I do have that option, but I hate to bother her and I also hate interacting with people outside of their designated zones. School friends are school friends. Church friends are church friends. And therapists are to be harassed during the designated 1 hour slot every Monday.
I am going to make a note to discuss it with her though. We normally work on what I think is surface level stuff and things that I don’t understand are the things that upset me and are the deeper stuff. If that makes sense.
I appreciate your comments though. It made me feel better. It’s nice to know that I’m not all crazy. I mean, I have to be a LITTLE crazy, but not all.
“Your authentic self is eternal”. I like that.
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You have no idea how grateful I am that you understood that. So many people just look at me like I sprouted an extra head or something when I say “Your authentic self is eternal” or anything even close to it. I could make many guesses why this happens but I think it boils down to personal readiness. You can’t make a person ready to understand something before their time.
Who you are deep down inside is your core truth. No one can take that from you and you can never run or hide from it. It will always be there.
I don’t remember when, how, or why I came to understand this. I just know it was before I was diagnosed with Bipolar and thus long before I had children. I’m guessing it had something to do with the fact I grew up in the military and thus moved around a lot. So much in my life was constantly being changed, given up, or taken away but who I am is mine and mine alone – even the times when I wanted to run away I couldn’t run away from myself. So this one thing has always been my sacred thing despite the fact so much in my life was dictated to me. Honestly I feel like there is still quite a bit of shit that is dictated to me. In the end it doesn’t change who I am.
The same holds true for you.
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I get wanting to hide from yourself. I get that all too well. This comment is going into my Meditations file. Stuff that I like to keep to look over and read to remind myself of random things. Kind of like this blog, but more personal.
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