Planning vs Actuality

Okay, first of all, I have to say this.  I totally skipped out on going to church this morning because I didn’t want to deal with the old people.  I have to go to a brunch thing tomorrow with them and I just couldn’t deal with them twice in a row.  I was feeling a bit depressed today and just could not.  I didn’t get much sleep and I know I have had way too much coffee at this point.  Too much caffeine and not enough sleep makes me feel like I can vibrate through walls.  I also noticed that my blog devolved from a specific thing (my progress through DBT) to a daily sort of journal/diary thing that is open source or whatever you want to call it.  I’m not upset by that.  I think this is much more sustainable in the long run.  Who knows, maybe I’ll adapt the better posts about self-improvement into a self-help book in the future.  Probably not, because that requires effort that I’m not willing to put in.

I want to publically thank ToadieOdie and amyes78 for saying such kind things and validating my feelings on the issue of my appearance.  I still don’t understand what the issue is with it.  It is hair and it is clothes.  I have hair and I wear clothes that I like and that are comfortable.  I’m starting to think my therapist is having an off week because she seemed really subdued today and normally she is all over the place.  Of course, I am normally all over the place and she is constantly having to shush me, except I was rather quiet in group today.  I didn’t want to say anything too silly.

I did end up saying a lot of weird stuff, though.  Mostly weird to the other members.  They were talking about there being no men in the group and how men are afraid of women or something and I was just so confused.  I didn’t understand what exactly they were saying.  They were using idioms or metaphors or something and those tend to go straight over my head.  Like, whoosh.  Does not compute.  If it was written down in a book or something, I would probably have understood better.  I tend to understand the written word a lot better than the spoken.

I don’t feel included in the group unless I am loud and boisterous and very firm in my statements.  I don’t really have much to say to people.  I don’t like sharing details of my personal life.  (Of course, this being my blog, I share all the details of my personal life and I feel no worries about it because I have changed all the names and try to be rather vague in where I’m located).  I don’t have a lot in common with these people except for the fact that we all attend group together.  I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.  Group is first and foremost a class from my perspective.  It just makes me sad that no one initiates conversations with me.  I’m used to it, yeah.  I’m used to not being part of the group and I’m used to being on my own.

I just don’t like it.  I don’t like not having social skills or any sort of real awareness of the world around me.  I’m pretty oblivious to most things and normally I don’t care.  But when it’s such a small affair, like in group, I would like someone to say hi to me.  Ask me how I’m doing.  Inquire of my cat and of my health and of me mum and how my awesome blog is going because they know I have a blog, they just don’t know which blog it is.    Unless I’m loud, unless I make a fool out of myself and put myself out there, no one really talks to me.

I think it’s because I’m sort of annoying.  I’m annoying and I have a hard time staying on topic and group situations make me nervous and anxious and want to crawl under a rock and sleep until I’m dead.  I have terrible social anxiety.  No matter how much I prepare myself, how much I practice.  No matter if I try real hard to be still and pretend I’m doing one on one conversations (which I exceed at, by the way), I end up feeling stupid and anxious and like I’m just making a fool of myself.

One of the things we talked about today was Coping Ahead.  I am so super great at planning things.  I can do all this research and do all this great stuff that looks awesome on paper.  In theory, I’m the most brilliant person ever with Coping Ahead.  Coping Ahead is just like a game of chess.  You want to be 7 moves ahead of your opponent at all times and you want to be able to do 7 different moves on any turn, so mathwise, you want to have around 49 various strategies in place.  Because 7×7 is 49.  I think.  I’m going to continue to assume so and not double check.

Update: 7×7 is, in fact, 49.

Now, I’m not saying have a plan for each and every contingency.  That would be overwhelming.  I am saying that I try to have an emergency kit with me.  I carry headphones because too much noise bothers me.  I look at the ground a lot because the ground doesn’t move around a lot.  I keep Chaz the Spaz toy on me at all times so I can soothe myself.  I have plans.  I am prepared.

And then I open my mouth.  I feel like there is something so very wrong with me.  I am so great with one on one interactions.  I excel at them.  But put me in a group with more than one other person and I go on full freak out mode.  My mouth races before my mind can react.  I get this stupid grin like a moron and I can’t shut up and I hate it.  Oh my various heathen gods, I hate it so much.  I feel like such a freak for it.

On paper, I am so smart.  I am so awesome and so socially adept.  In the real world, I’m just that adorable weirdo who can’t shut up.

It’s maddening.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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