Social Skills, Drop Bears, and Sleep Deprivation

Hello, my friends!  I took a really long nap today and I’m still exhausted.  I’m trying to figure out new and fun ways to study.  Mostly because I’m tired of studying the same way all the time.  I wish I had a classroom type thing I could go to and study.  Like a school but without all the people.  I think the word I’m looking for is a study-room or something.  I don’t know.  I miss pencils and paper and the smell of school.  I do not miss the people.  Okay, I miss the people a little bit.  I need someplace that forces me to socialize with people.

We are all very aware, some of us painfully aware, that social cues and such are hard for people on the Spectrum, right?  Because I’m going to write this post based on that assumption.  In case you don’t know, the TooLongDidn’tRead version is that people on the Autism Spectrum normally have a very hard time with social cues and stuff.

Moving along, I did bible study last year to force myself out of the house when I was very depressed.  I started going before I started my blog.  Bible study is going to be starting next month, again.  I don’t know if I want to go.  It is so hard for me to do it.

My godmother runs the group.  There’s nothing wrong with that, except that she doesn’t like the talks to go against her own personal beliefs.  Whatever, that’s her deal.  Today, we had a little get-together for the ladies in bible study.  It was sort of like a brunch.  I’m totally off topic.

So, bible study is this really social thing.  At least 50% of it is just a bunch of old ladies talking over each other or trying to hug me or touching my face.  Stop trying to touch my face, Grandma Bob!  That is my face!  Anyway, so yeah.  There’s that.

My godmother apologized after group today because she said she got irritated and snapped at me.  I was totally unaware that she snapped at me.  I was shocked.  It’s not the first time someone apologized for something I was unaware of.  Couple that with what Charon said at the beginning of the week, I feel really dumb.

I don’t understand social cues.  I need things to be explained bluntly or I won’t get it.  I don’t really understand the different tones of voice unless they are greatly exaggerated or someone is yelling.  I don’t get hints and I don’t understand sarcasm unless it’s my own or a normal phrase that is only said with sarcasm.

I feel bad.  I feel like there is something missing.  My various heathen gods, I wish I could remember where I heard this, but someone once said that it was like being in a glass box, having Autism is anyway.  I can watch, but I can never quite interact.  I’m not part of the rest.  I don’t get invited into conversations unless I force myself in.  I rarely get invited to social events because I’m a nutter and break boundaries right and left.  Boundaries that everyone else seems to know instinctively and that I am unaware even exist.

I want to understand.  I want to learn how to do all those social skills stuff that everyone keeps saying I lack.  Whenever I ask someone, I get told that I’m being willful or silly or something.  No one really thinks that I, as a 25 year old who has managed to have friends off and on for years, can be totally oblivious to how the world works.  I must be joking when I ask people for clarification on sayings and stuff.

My therapist, much as I adore her, does this a lot.  I think if I was a bit more honest with her and didn’t give in, she would stop calling me willful and stuff.  I don’t think I’m being willful most of the time.  I get stuck on things.  It’s almost like a physical block.  I get super obsessed over little details in conversations and it drives me nuts.  I want to cry half the time because I end up frustrated.

What the fuck do elephants have to do with anything, Charon?  Seriously?

I know this is all just Drop Bears.  I worry about the Drop Bears in the conversations and forget to focus on the actual issue at hand.  I forget that those idioms and phrases and such should just be ignored or I’ll drive myself nuts.  For fuck’s sake, I don’t even think this post is even making any sense.  I’m really anxious about this issue.

I hate not understanding things and I hate that people don’t think that I really don’t understand things.  That’s the basis of this.  The other thing is my amazing ability to get side-tracked.

For now, I am running on little sleep, so I’m going to bed.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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4 thoughts on “Social Skills, Drop Bears, and Sleep Deprivation

    • I remember being horrified the first time I saw that scene as a child and my mother trying to explain to me it was a metaphor of being drunk. To this day I still don’t understand what “seeing pink elephants” has to do with being drunk. Anyhow, I digress and ramble.

      I have seen a few Bipolar peeps blog about living behind glass as well. It’s for different reasons, but sadly the end result is the same. Profound isolation even when surrounded by people. I wish I could say I’m immune. I’m not. I wish no one had ever felt this way. But they have. They do. Far too many. Now I’m seeing the same sentiment being said within the Autism community and it breaks my heart.

      You have basically two choices. The first is just saying “fuck it” (like with your clothes) and just accepting the gap with the social cues and just run with it. Boldly go forth, own it, and rock it. The other choice you have is to keep trying to learn it the best you can as messed up as it is. Once again you’ll need to boldly go forth, own it, and rock it. Neither path is truly easy in the long run so the real question is which path will make you honestly happy? There are pros and cons to both paths I’m sure. Probably lots of them. Probably more than I could fathom. But if you ask me, I wouldn’t let someone else decide for you. You and you alone should make the final call. What ever it is you decide in life, always make sure that the effort and benefit is worth the misery that comes with it as well. I believe in economics it’s called the cost/benefit ratio but it applies to everything in life, not just time or money.

      Did Charon make a reference to “the elephant in the room?” It’s a saying that means there is an obvious topic or problem that everyone in the room is aware of but is either ignoring, refusing to address, or completely avoiding. Because elephants are HUGE animals. If one was in the room, it would be hard to miss. I think this is why the British came up with the saying in the first place.

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