Hello, my friends! I took a really long nap today and I’m still exhausted. I’m trying to figure out new and fun ways to study. Mostly because I’m tired of studying the same way all the time. I wish I had a classroom type thing I could go to and study. Like a school but without all the people. I think the word I’m looking for is a study-room or something. I don’t know. I miss pencils and paper and the smell of school. I do not miss the people. Okay, I miss the people a little bit. I need someplace that forces me to socialize with people.
We are all very aware, some of us painfully aware, that social cues and such are hard for people on the Spectrum, right? Because I’m going to write this post based on that assumption. In case you don’t know, the TooLongDidn’tRead version is that people on the Autism Spectrum normally have a very hard time with social cues and stuff.
Moving along, I did bible study last year to force myself out of the house when I was very depressed. I started going before I started my blog. Bible study is going to be starting next month, again. I don’t know if I want to go. It is so hard for me to do it.
My godmother runs the group. There’s nothing wrong with that, except that she doesn’t like the talks to go against her own personal beliefs. Whatever, that’s her deal. Today, we had a little get-together for the ladies in bible study. It was sort of like a brunch. I’m totally off topic.
So, bible study is this really social thing. At least 50% of it is just a bunch of old ladies talking over each other or trying to hug me or touching my face. Stop trying to touch my face, Grandma Bob! That is my face! Anyway, so yeah. There’s that.
My godmother apologized after group today because she said she got irritated and snapped at me. I was totally unaware that she snapped at me. I was shocked. It’s not the first time someone apologized for something I was unaware of. Couple that with what Charon said at the beginning of the week, I feel really dumb.
I don’t understand social cues. I need things to be explained bluntly or I won’t get it. I don’t really understand the different tones of voice unless they are greatly exaggerated or someone is yelling. I don’t get hints and I don’t understand sarcasm unless it’s my own or a normal phrase that is only said with sarcasm.
I feel bad. I feel like there is something missing. My various heathen gods, I wish I could remember where I heard this, but someone once said that it was like being in a glass box, having Autism is anyway. I can watch, but I can never quite interact. I’m not part of the rest. I don’t get invited into conversations unless I force myself in. I rarely get invited to social events because I’m a nutter and break boundaries right and left. Boundaries that everyone else seems to know instinctively and that I am unaware even exist.
I want to understand. I want to learn how to do all those social skills stuff that everyone keeps saying I lack. Whenever I ask someone, I get told that I’m being willful or silly or something. No one really thinks that I, as a 25 year old who has managed to have friends off and on for years, can be totally oblivious to how the world works. I must be joking when I ask people for clarification on sayings and stuff.
My therapist, much as I adore her, does this a lot. I think if I was a bit more honest with her and didn’t give in, she would stop calling me willful and stuff. I don’t think I’m being willful most of the time. I get stuck on things. It’s almost like a physical block. I get super obsessed over little details in conversations and it drives me nuts. I want to cry half the time because I end up frustrated.
What the fuck do elephants have to do with anything, Charon? Seriously?
I know this is all just Drop Bears. I worry about the Drop Bears in the conversations and forget to focus on the actual issue at hand. I forget that those idioms and phrases and such should just be ignored or I’ll drive myself nuts. For fuck’s sake, I don’t even think this post is even making any sense. I’m really anxious about this issue.
I hate not understanding things and I hate that people don’t think that I really don’t understand things. That’s the basis of this. The other thing is my amazing ability to get side-tracked.
For now, I am running on little sleep, so I’m going to bed.
-The Sarcastic Autist