too much

Hello, everyone.  I will reply to all comments and questions and insights and such tomorrow.  I am at my limit with social interaction.  I feel like everything is too much right now.

Fellow Aspies and Autist people will understand.  Probably some people not on the Spectrum will get it too.  When you have just been so stressed and having a lot of emotional and sensory overload that you are on the verge of a meltdown but can’t quite get to the edge of it to get it done and over with.

Everything is too loud and too bright and just too much.  It was that way outside and it’s not much better in my room.  I’ve been very stressed lately.

First off, I really hate not knowing things.  I pride myself on being able to learn anything, even if it takes me a bit longer on some things.  I kind of feel that, if at 25 I hadn’t learned social skills and social cues and such, I probably never will.

I had talked to my brother a bit yesterday.  He talked to our da a while back.  I told him that’s okay.  I don’t want Adorable Nephew to miss out on having his Grandpa.  I told Brother that it’s his choice.  Thing is, I’m not okay with it.  I’m not okay with my brother talking to the man who called me a disgrace and a derogatory term for lesbians that I don’t even like to say.  I’m not okay with my brother talking to the man who drank all the time and always was in and out of the hospital and was just an ass.  I just don’t have the right to tell my brother not to talk to his father.

It makes me upset every time I talk to my brother because I’m extremely envious of him.  He is neurotypical and he has a family.  He has a job and he’s stable.  I feel like the polar opposite.  Brother didn’t even want kids when we younger.  I always did. Now I can’t and I feel terrible that I’m feeling envy about this situation.  I feel immature and stupid.  Jeepers, I can always adopt and I’m gay, so it’s not like I could have a child anyway through traditional means.  I don’t like feeling petty.

Okaasan has not been listening to me or taking my feelings into consideration.  That’s not new.  My godmother isn’t being much better.

Mama Bear is getting married tomorrow and I’m so excited for her and I don’t feel like I can talk to her about what’s bothering me.  Kuma-chan has her own shit going on.  I won’t call the crisis line because I can’t stand talking on the phone and I’m just sad and lonely.  I’m not in danger of hurting myself or others.

I just want to hide from people until this feeling of too-muchness goes away.  Until my emotions calm the fuck down.  Until I stop feeling like I’m going to throw up.  I want to hide until I’m normal.  Most of all, I want to curl up under my blanket and have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep without nightmares or a cat waking me up in the middle of the night.

I want to be left alone and I want someone to tell me that this is perfectly normal and that there’s nothing wrong with me for being like this.

I just want it to be quiet.

-The Sarcastic Autist


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