Resets, Recharge, and Gender Identity

Hello, my lovelies.  I am so terribly sorry that there was no post yesterday.  I ended up having a shut down after we went to Bad Big Blue Box Retailer and the new grocer’s that opened up that has my vegan cheese and isn’t an hour away.  I went completely nonverbal and shook my keys at Okaasan to get her to shut up at one point.  I don’t often have shut downs to the point where I stop talking for 10 hours, but oh my goodness, it felt so good to wake up this morning and have all that yuck from the past week seem to have just gone away.

I think I’ve mentioned before in my Cyborg post from many moons ago about needing a reset every now and again.  Well, having a shut down sort of resets my stress meter.  Imagine getting more and more stressed and no matter how well you utilize coping skills and such, you can’t get it to get out of the red danger zone.  I  am on a pretty chill yellow right now, if we’re going by the colour system.  Anyway, that shut down basically gave me a hard reset on my emotions and now I’m back to be all chipper and gung ho and ready to take on the world because fuck it, I can do anything!

I woke up this morning and skipped church.  I also skipped my cousin’s going away party because I knew I just needed time to recharge.  I shut down and needed time to boot back up, so to speak.  I did a lot of self-care, including a lot of meditation on what was bothering me specifically about group on Wednesday and Charon’s comments on Monday.

Well, I had decided to try and do that 10 random people that I would probably be friends with based solely on their outer appearance and came across a video.  This video, actually.  It’s around 10 minutes or so and I really highly recommend watching it.  The old person, Kate Borstein I believe, really said something that caught my attention.  Borstein said that they felt pretty in a girl’s body, but didn’t feel like identifying strictly as a girl.

That’s me.  I feel prettier when I think about myself from an objective viewpoint.  I’m a solid 6-7 most days.  I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I am attractive.  I just don’t see myself as a girl.  Charon had said that most girls my age don’t have hair like mine.  Okay, yeah.  I can see that.  I don’t really pay much attention to female fashion when it comes to me.  When I want to start looking at new outfits, I look at androgynous and male models.  I look at jeans and guy shirts and tennis shoes. I wear men’s shoes and men’s shirts and men’s knickers.  I prefer them.  They are more comfortable to me.

Now, Charon was talking about my fashion sense from a female perspective.  I suppose, if I was a girl, I would look unfashionable.  As a nonbinary female presenting person, I have amazing fashion sense.  Most of the time, my socks even match.  I don’t identify as strictly female.

In group on Wednesday, a few of the other members remarked on there being no men there.  It made me uncomfortable and then they started saying something about men fearing women and I just got confused.  But I was uncomfortable and felt I didn’t belong because I’m a non-traditional gender role identifying sort of person.  I don’t like being called a girl.  It makes me feel like I’m in the wrong body.

I just don’t feel like a girl. Nor do I really feel like a guy.  Honestly, I wish I was like a ken doll most of the time.  Except I wish I had removable boobs and maybe not such a curvy body.  Since I’m within 10 lbs of being at an ideal BMI range for my measurements, I’m pretty much this shape, but with a flatter stomach.  That irritates me to no end.  I do not like having boobs the size of melons attached to me.  I mean, sometimes I do because hey, free stress balls.  (I’m joking, oh god, no, I hate my boobs getting touched.  They get shoved into a bra and washed and that’s it.  Holy hell, no stress ball simulation is actually going on.)

Sometimes I want to wear a skirt.  Sometimes I want to wear men’s tailored shirts.  I should be able to address this in therapy tomorrow so that Charon understands that her comments upset me because she misgendered me.

But mostly because a majority of the time, I’m blissfully unaware of when someone has malicious intent or is being a dick.  That’s how sexual assaults happen.

PSA: If someone starts doing something that makes you uncomfortable, fuck being polite, tell that ass wipe to bugger off.  Trust me, I wish I had bigger balls so I could do this more often and then maybe I wouldn’t need therapy so much.

That’s it for today’s random rant.  I wish you all well.  I’m going to go devour some more grapes.  ($1.88 a lb at the new grocer’s!  That’s insane!)  I feel like these issues are something I’d like to get into more at a further date, so consider this an intro.

-The Sarcastic Autist

3 thoughts on “Resets, Recharge, and Gender Identity

  1. Well now that makes complete sense. I can see now why she thought she was being “helpful” but even if she hadn’t misgendered you I still think it was out of line.

    That’s so weird though, that’s one of the first things they point blank ask us here in therapy and mental health clinics. Odd that they wouldn’t do that in all clinics and all therapies. Shame on them.

    I totally agree that you need to address this with Charon, otherwise it will continue to happen without meaning to. She really wants to help you with social cues but in this she is unintentionally going about it the wrong way because of the misgendering. I think you have said something about it before in your blog – about not being girly I mean – so I had assumed your therapist knew this about you.

    This just makes me upset on another level. The misgendering… the clothes… all of it. I understand that she wants to help. I do. But damn it, why can’t she just let you be you? Why must you be like other girls? This hasn’t been said to me since high school – back in the 90’s. I really thought and hoped our society was past this for women. Yet here she is, labeled you as a woman and expects you to conform with the appearance of other women. That’s wrong. Women – all people – are more than their appearance. If not then what the hell was the civil rights movement even for?

    I agree with my sister. The way you look should reflect who you are on the inside. If you are a vibrant personality then by all means feel free to dress so. If you are stoic and business like in personality then there is no shame in dressing that way either. And so on. True, your job dictates your clothes at times but when you have the freedom to choose that’s when you should let your personality shine through.

    Me? Believe it or not we have very similar preferences. I dress for comfort and when shopping for me I’m often found in the mens section. But instead of jeans I’m usually buying those nursing scrubs pants. They usually have so many useful pockets it’s insane!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Quick blurb about scrubs: They are comfy and I love that they have so many pockets! I could go on and on about how whoever invented the pocket is a genius and it’s really sad that they don’t give women pockets because pockets are amazing! I miss the days where I didn’t need to carry around a mini pharmacy with me so I could just toss a few dollars and a pack of gum in my pants and go about my merry way without all this worry about needing my epi-pen because I am an adult and can no longer rely on other people to have one on hand for me. I fucking love pockets. Most handy invention ever.
      Moving along… There was a bit on the form about gender identity stuff, but I had help from my ex filling it out and she said that I was a freak and a weirdo for sometimes wishing I had a penis so we just wrote down girl. I wish I had known that nonbinary people existed back then because my life would be so much easier right now.
      As for the appearance thing, again, I haven’t a clue what that was all about. It threw me off and I have been agonizing over how I dress. I finally realized that I tend to dress more like men and pay a bit more attention to male fashion. I’m not as stressed about it but I’m still confused.
      I like wearing the clothes that I like. I don’t have a problem with other people wearing the clothes they like. It’s all just so confusing. It’s just fabric. Like it’s just hair.
      I’m 70% convinced Charon was trying to prove a point outside appearance because this isn’t her normal approach to things. Normally she’s almost always going on about how I need to be true to myself and not worry about what others think. So that’s what’s really got me. It’s contradictory and I don’t like that.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I still think you just need to be you regardless of how you identify. Don’t worry about anyone’s fashion. Just do you. If you get a job, then dress for the job but beyond that don’t worry about it, just dress for you. The most liberating thing I ever did for myself was to tell the world to bug off and started dressing the way I wanted.


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