Hello, my lovelies. I am so terribly sorry that there was no post yesterday. I ended up having a shut down after we went to Bad Big Blue Box Retailer and the new grocer’s that opened up that has my vegan cheese and isn’t an hour away. I went completely nonverbal and shook my keys at Okaasan to get her to shut up at one point. I don’t often have shut downs to the point where I stop talking for 10 hours, but oh my goodness, it felt so good to wake up this morning and have all that yuck from the past week seem to have just gone away.
I think I’ve mentioned before in my Cyborg post from many moons ago about needing a reset every now and again. Well, having a shut down sort of resets my stress meter. Imagine getting more and more stressed and no matter how well you utilize coping skills and such, you can’t get it to get out of the red danger zone. I am on a pretty chill yellow right now, if we’re going by the colour system. Anyway, that shut down basically gave me a hard reset on my emotions and now I’m back to be all chipper and gung ho and ready to take on the world because fuck it, I can do anything!
I woke up this morning and skipped church. I also skipped my cousin’s going away party because I knew I just needed time to recharge. I shut down and needed time to boot back up, so to speak. I did a lot of self-care, including a lot of meditation on what was bothering me specifically about group on Wednesday and Charon’s comments on Monday.
Well, I had decided to try and do that 10 random people that I would probably be friends with based solely on their outer appearance and came across a video. This video, actually. It’s around 10 minutes or so and I really highly recommend watching it. The old person, Kate Borstein I believe, really said something that caught my attention. Borstein said that they felt pretty in a girl’s body, but didn’t feel like identifying strictly as a girl.
That’s me. I feel prettier when I think about myself from an objective viewpoint. I’m a solid 6-7 most days. I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I am attractive. I just don’t see myself as a girl. Charon had said that most girls my age don’t have hair like mine. Okay, yeah. I can see that. I don’t really pay much attention to female fashion when it comes to me. When I want to start looking at new outfits, I look at androgynous and male models. I look at jeans and guy shirts and tennis shoes. I wear men’s shoes and men’s shirts and men’s knickers. I prefer them. They are more comfortable to me.
Now, Charon was talking about my fashion sense from a female perspective. I suppose, if I was a girl, I would look unfashionable. As a nonbinary female presenting person, I have amazing fashion sense. Most of the time, my socks even match. I don’t identify as strictly female.
In group on Wednesday, a few of the other members remarked on there being no men there. It made me uncomfortable and then they started saying something about men fearing women and I just got confused. But I was uncomfortable and felt I didn’t belong because I’m a non-traditional gender role identifying sort of person. I don’t like being called a girl. It makes me feel like I’m in the wrong body.
I just don’t feel like a girl. Nor do I really feel like a guy. Honestly, I wish I was like a ken doll most of the time. Except I wish I had removable boobs and maybe not such a curvy body. Since I’m within 10 lbs of being at an ideal BMI range for my measurements, I’m pretty much this shape, but with a flatter stomach. That irritates me to no end. I do not like having boobs the size of melons attached to me. I mean, sometimes I do because hey, free stress balls. (I’m joking, oh god, no, I hate my boobs getting touched. They get shoved into a bra and washed and that’s it. Holy hell, no stress ball simulation is actually going on.)
Sometimes I want to wear a skirt. Sometimes I want to wear men’s tailored shirts. I should be able to address this in therapy tomorrow so that Charon understands that her comments upset me because she misgendered me.
But mostly because a majority of the time, I’m blissfully unaware of when someone has malicious intent or is being a dick. That’s how sexual assaults happen.
PSA: If someone starts doing something that makes you uncomfortable, fuck being polite, tell that ass wipe to bugger off. Trust me, I wish I had bigger balls so I could do this more often and then maybe I wouldn’t need therapy so much.
That’s it for today’s random rant. I wish you all well. I’m going to go devour some more grapes. ($1.88 a lb at the new grocer’s! That’s insane!) I feel like these issues are something I’d like to get into more at a further date, so consider this an intro.
-The Sarcastic Autist