The Grey Gender

Hello again, my wonderful followers and friends.  Unfortunately, Charon had to take her offspring to the doctor’s for some reason and had to cancel our appointment for today.  Now, normally when this happens, I just go see her the next scheduled Monday.  However, seeing as how I have had a really shite week and I need to talk to her about my gender identity issue, I decided to schedule for Wednesday a couple of hours prior to group.

This means that I may not post on Wednesday.  The only reason I wouldn’t post is because I got so fed up with everything and shut down again.  I don’t normally shut down so soon after already having a shut down, but I normally don’t see Charon on Wednesdays either.

For the record, my therapy place is about an hour’s drive away from where I live.  It used to be less than 20 minutes, but then I got kicked out of my ex’s place and forced to live with me mum or on the streets.  At least here I’m not being molested.  Anyway, so Mondays I have my appointment at 1 pm.  Wednesdays, group is at 3-5 pm.  I scheduled for Charon Wednesday at 1pm.  I get picked up at around 11-11:30 am on Mondays.  I get home around 3-3:30 pm.  Wednesdays I get picked up at around 1-1:30 pm and get home around 6-6:30 pm.

This Wednesday, I will get picked up around 11-11:30 and won’t get home until 6-6:30.  That is a really long day for me and what the waffling fuck was I thinking?  It’s okay, I have to talk to Charon.  This is really important to me that I talk to her.

I want to tell her how I felt confused and ashamed after her comments.  I need clarification because I’m still confused.  I’m not so much ashamed, because like ToadieOdie says, my Authentic Self is Eternal.  I’m not so good with the emotions and the social interactions and social cues and stuff.  I’ve not given it much thought before beyond self-pity.  I am an awesome and amazing nonbinary person who happens to have shit social skills.  Not knowing social skills and stuff doesn’t subtract from my core awesomeness.  I can always learn social skills.  (Disclaimer: That isn’t the exact way ToadieOdie meant it; it’s just how I’m applying that phrase for this situation.  Also, one day I will learn the proper use of punctuation.)

I also need to talk to her about my gender identity.  When I started seeing Charon, I hadn’t a clue that I was nonbinary.  I just knew that I felt weird and confused and like a freak because I occasionally wanted to have a penis.  Not for sexual reasons, just to have.  But I’m also content with the body I have.  I enjoy having boobs most of the time.  I knew I wasn’t transgender because all the transgender people I know have always said that they’ve always known they were a girl or a boy, even if their outside didn’t match.

Now, for me, I’ve never quite felt fully female or male.  I’ve never liked being called a lady.  I like being called by male pronouns.  He/his/him/gentleman/sir.  I don’t mind being called she/her.  It’s annoying to be addressed as ‘young lady’ or ‘young woman’.  ‘Young honourable person’ and ‘young dinosaur’ are fine.  Okay, I was having a bit of a tease there.  I’m sorry.  I wouldn’t mind being referred to as a dinosaur though.  Dinosaurs are awesome.

Getting back to the issue with Charon.  I think I mentioned wanting to have a penis sometimes in passing the first month or so I was seeing her.  After that, it was at the beginning of this year that I realized that I’m nonbinary and totally not a freak for not feeling like a boy or a girl.  I mentioned that to her once.  Just once.  It’s not something I’m super open about.  Not a lot of people understand.

I’m actually a bit afraid to fully come out as nonbinary.  My godmother, just this past week, made some disparaging remarks about the transgender community in regards to the whole gender-neutral bathroom thing.(  It’s a toilet.  You pee, you poop, you puke.  You use the mirror to prep.  No other reason to be in the bathroom.  Honestly, people.)  My godmother hates that I call myself a gentleman and always calls me a lady. I always tell her to piss off, I can be a gentleman if I want.  Ladies have to wear skirts and fuck that noise.

I’m pretty sure she would disown me.  I told Okaasan that I’m nonbinary and she completely disregards that because her family wouldn’t understand.  I already lost my father because I’m gay (and because he’s useless dick cheese). Coming out as a lesbian was hard.  Funny, because I used the “I’m allergic to nuts and that’s why I’m a lesbian” line.  But it was hard.  At least people can understand that.  It’s a very cut and dry thing.  I like girls.  I also consider myself pansexual because I believe I could fall in love with a guy, but the stand-alone hetero-normal shit… That doesn’t apply to me.  I like girls as my main source of romantic interests.

Being nonbinary, well, no one has really understood it.  I know that I fucking love putting things into neat little categories.  You are a boy or a girl.  Oh hey, born in the wrong body?  That’s okay, because, inside, you are still a boy or a girl.  WIth nonbinary, it’s not being born in the wrong body.  It’s not wanting to be the opposite gender.  It’s feeling more masculine one day and more feminine the next.  It’s wishing that there was a dangling thing betwixt the legs and having boobs and wishing that neither existed.  It’s this weird little grey area between being just a boy or just a girl.  It’s not a solid stone, cut and dry, neat little box thing.  It’s like the middle bit of a Venn Diagram sort of thing.  That little space that always made me want to throw things.

That’s how I feel.  I’m pretty okay with being nonbinary most days now.  I’m okay with sometimes wanting a trouser snake.  I don’t feel like I can talk about it a whole lot outside of the internet because I’ve been ridiculed and told that I’m looking for attention when I say things like that.  It’s beyond being a tomboy.  It’s beyond not being feminine.  It’s just how I am.  I can’t change that, just like I can’t change being a homosexual or an Autistic person.  It’s just there.

And I have no idea how to convey that without sounding like a moron.  It’s something I really feel like Charon and I need to discuss.  Because I’m not okay with being gay sometimes, either.  Since I’m seeing her on Wednesday and that’s not our regularly scheduled day, I’m considering it an auxiliary day and so we talk about this extra issue that popped up and not our normal Monday chat.  Because this is important to me that I talk to her.  Or she’s going to just continue being a bitch about this whole issue with clothes.

And I hate feeling animosity towards her because I actually like her.  In a strictly non-sexual way.  For the record.  (And it sucks that I feel like I have to put that disclaimer every time I mention I like someone that happens to have a vagina.  Bloody flapjacking dice, it’s insane.)

-The Sarcastic Autist

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15 thoughts on “The Grey Gender

  1. I hope I didn’t make you feel that you can’t learn social cues. I just wanted to make sure that if you are going to try to learn them, that you’re doing it because you want to and not because people are forcing you to. If you haven’t figured out by now I’m really big on free agency and the freedom of choice.

    From what I understand from the parenting support groups that I’m in this is a fairly normal thing for those with Autism so you’re not alone and actually pretty normal in this regard. We’re being told that many typically are gender fluid and that we need to be prepared for that. I can’t remember the stats on sexual preference but some reason I want to say it’s spread evenly. Given the fact I grew up identifying as a feminine male (born female) that prefers men I think it’s fair to say I’m open minded. I use female pronouns but I don’t like being called Aunt. However, Uncle doesn’t sound right either. I can’t win with this one so I ask them to just call me by my name. But then again I haven’t officially come out to my family so this has upset more than a few people, namely my mother. I tried to come out to her when I was 6 (I tried to tell her my life would be easier if I was a boy) and she told me to quit being ridiculous. I tried more than a few times to get the family to call me Stevie as a kid instead of my birth name without success too. You would think they would have figured this out by now. I think the only people that have are my baby sister and one of my cousins. At least I finally won with the nickname Toad/Frog. At least it’s genderless.

    I seriously fail to understand why people are making the bathroom issue a big deal. Personally I would like to see more family friendly bathrooms or gender neutral ones where parents and guardians can bring in their dependents in with them if they need assistance regardless of age without it being a crisis. This ridiculous battle just made that more difficult to get.

    Liked by 1 person

      • That’s not right. I think the people that design these bathrooms think that people older than infants that need to be changed live in facilities rather than being out and about. There isn’t enough inclusion when they design these buildings and this is really important when we have been pushing so hard for more people to stay home living as independently as possible within the communities rather than to end up in facilities. It’s a known fact that people do better when they can do this versus when they end up in a facility so why aren’t we doing more as a community to help everyone be more successful? Integration is important. But you don’t need me to get on my little soap box and tell you this. I just hope that someone else comes across this and reads this and understands why this is so damn important.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh it’s term so to speak from the old days. It’s where you get up on a crate in front of a crowd on a street to make a speech about something. The soap box was the crates the soap was shipped in, not the little boxes you buy them in from the store. Sorry about that.

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    • Oh, no worries dear. I never took that from you. I just sort of figure that, since I’m at an age where I’m pretty much done developing, that learning things that children learn like social cues is going to be really super duper hard.
      I think that’s an interesting fact. I kind of want to do some of my own research on that. I think it’d be interesting to learn more about how those things are different among the Autism Spectrum population vs the rest of the population. Not going into an Us vs. Them mentality, just strictly for fun. I don’t believe in discriminating people unless they’re jerks.
      The only reason I don’t mind being called Auntie is because I’m Auntie Em. Like from the movie. I thought that was nifty. I prefer being called Oniisan though. (Older brother in Japanese).
      And yes, they need more gender neutral bathrooms and family bathrooms. There’s times where I’m out and about with people and need the privacy of them. Other times, I just know other people with varying mental and physical limitations that would greatly benefit from such things.

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  2. Not every trans person know they whole life. Lots do but some don’t know until teen or young adult especially if has differences that makes things different on understanding feelings and social stuff cuz gender is lots of social stuff on the outside. Me has always feel like me but me not understand me was look like a girl kinda on the outside until 17. There was no boys and girls to just people that like dolls and people that like dinosaurs. Me thinks my way is more better anyway. And autistic people especially girls are more likely to be under the trans umbrella. Not a real umbrella but the word means anything not binary like transgender or cross dresser or gender neutral.

    Liked by 2 people

    • This is true. I think I’m an oddity in that regard. I have always wanted to be a boy for as long as I can remember. I have always disliked dressed. I only wear them when required and even then I try to work my way out of that. I wasn’t confused about any of that until I got old enough to understand sex. That’s when I realized I liked men and only men. And thanks to most likely good old teenager hormones, this was also when I had my first full on delusion. I spent an entire year in Texas at the age of 19 believing I was Aphrodite. I can now die saying I know what it feels like to be an exquisitely beautiful and confidante woman. Although I must say it was a jarring experience to come down from. A dream that wasn’t a dream I guess is the best way to explain it. I know that what my brain told me wasn’t real but everything I did based on what my brain said was. So for an entire year I lived that life. I can’t change the past but a part of me regrets I wasn’t around any family that knew me well enough to know that there was something wrong to get me help. The reason I was down in Texas in the first place was because I kind of ran away from home. Maybe if I hadn’t I would have gotten help and would have been diagnosed Bipolar sooner. Who knows? So anyway, I can understand how someone can struggle with their identity. Whether it’s because of their experiences like mine, because they’re constantly being told they need to be someone other than who they really are, or because they’re still trying to figure it out. Society likes everyone to be gingerbread men but no one was ever cut from the same cookie cutter to start with.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Me always dress like boy and feel like it but Me not understand until later that Me was look more like girl or that boys and girls are different kinds of humans, not just people that like different stuff. But Me an odd anyway because mine body is a weird type of intersex. Like me not has boy parts but my body makes boy hormones. It’s weird but I don’t care. I’m a sexy boy anyway. Besides nobody is in my pants that cares what parts Me has.

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    • I’m going to fully agree with you that there is just people who like dolls and people who like dinosaurs. I’m a dinosaur. Rawr. Not like a real dinosaur, but like a person who likes dinosaurs.
      Like many awesome people keep telling me “You do you”. I keep thinking that’s a super redundant thing to say, but I think the core value of that statement is that “you need to be able to be comfortable being you”. Or something of the sort.
      Thank you, though. What you said makes me feel less weird. Gender is weird.

      Liked by 1 person

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