Hello again, my wonderful followers and friends. Unfortunately, Charon had to take her offspring to the doctor’s for some reason and had to cancel our appointment for today. Now, normally when this happens, I just go see her the next scheduled Monday. However, seeing as how I have had a really shite week and I need to talk to her about my gender identity issue, I decided to schedule for Wednesday a couple of hours prior to group.
This means that I may not post on Wednesday. The only reason I wouldn’t post is because I got so fed up with everything and shut down again. I don’t normally shut down so soon after already having a shut down, but I normally don’t see Charon on Wednesdays either.
For the record, my therapy place is about an hour’s drive away from where I live. It used to be less than 20 minutes, but then I got kicked out of my ex’s place and forced to live with me mum or on the streets. At least here I’m not being molested. Anyway, so Mondays I have my appointment at 1 pm. Wednesdays, group is at 3-5 pm. I scheduled for Charon Wednesday at 1pm. I get picked up at around 11-11:30 am on Mondays. I get home around 3-3:30 pm. Wednesdays I get picked up at around 1-1:30 pm and get home around 6-6:30 pm.
This Wednesday, I will get picked up around 11-11:30 and won’t get home until 6-6:30. That is a really long day for me and what the waffling fuck was I thinking? It’s okay, I have to talk to Charon. This is really important to me that I talk to her.
I want to tell her how I felt confused and ashamed after her comments. I need clarification because I’m still confused. I’m not so much ashamed, because like ToadieOdie says, my Authentic Self is Eternal. I’m not so good with the emotions and the social interactions and social cues and stuff. I’ve not given it much thought before beyond self-pity. I am an awesome and amazing nonbinary person who happens to have shit social skills. Not knowing social skills and stuff doesn’t subtract from my core awesomeness. I can always learn social skills. (Disclaimer: That isn’t the exact way ToadieOdie meant it; it’s just how I’m applying that phrase for this situation. Also, one day I will learn the proper use of punctuation.)
I also need to talk to her about my gender identity. When I started seeing Charon, I hadn’t a clue that I was nonbinary. I just knew that I felt weird and confused and like a freak because I occasionally wanted to have a penis. Not for sexual reasons, just to have. But I’m also content with the body I have. I enjoy having boobs most of the time. I knew I wasn’t transgender because all the transgender people I know have always said that they’ve always known they were a girl or a boy, even if their outside didn’t match.
Now, for me, I’ve never quite felt fully female or male. I’ve never liked being called a lady. I like being called by male pronouns. He/his/him/gentleman/sir. I don’t mind being called she/her. It’s annoying to be addressed as ‘young lady’ or ‘young woman’. ‘Young honourable person’ and ‘young dinosaur’ are fine. Okay, I was having a bit of a tease there. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t mind being referred to as a dinosaur though. Dinosaurs are awesome.
Getting back to the issue with Charon. I think I mentioned wanting to have a penis sometimes in passing the first month or so I was seeing her. After that, it was at the beginning of this year that I realized that I’m nonbinary and totally not a freak for not feeling like a boy or a girl. I mentioned that to her once. Just once. It’s not something I’m super open about. Not a lot of people understand.
I’m actually a bit afraid to fully come out as nonbinary. My godmother, just this past week, made some disparaging remarks about the transgender community in regards to the whole gender-neutral bathroom thing.( It’s a toilet. You pee, you poop, you puke. You use the mirror to prep. No other reason to be in the bathroom. Honestly, people.) My godmother hates that I call myself a gentleman and always calls me a lady. I always tell her to piss off, I can be a gentleman if I want. Ladies have to wear skirts and fuck that noise.
I’m pretty sure she would disown me. I told Okaasan that I’m nonbinary and she completely disregards that because her family wouldn’t understand. I already lost my father because I’m gay (and because he’s useless dick cheese). Coming out as a lesbian was hard. Funny, because I used the “I’m allergic to nuts and that’s why I’m a lesbian” line. But it was hard. At least people can understand that. It’s a very cut and dry thing. I like girls. I also consider myself pansexual because I believe I could fall in love with a guy, but the stand-alone hetero-normal shit… That doesn’t apply to me. I like girls as my main source of romantic interests.
Being nonbinary, well, no one has really understood it. I know that I fucking love putting things into neat little categories. You are a boy or a girl. Oh hey, born in the wrong body? That’s okay, because, inside, you are still a boy or a girl. WIth nonbinary, it’s not being born in the wrong body. It’s not wanting to be the opposite gender. It’s feeling more masculine one day and more feminine the next. It’s wishing that there was a dangling thing betwixt the legs and having boobs and wishing that neither existed. It’s this weird little grey area between being just a boy or just a girl. It’s not a solid stone, cut and dry, neat little box thing. It’s like the middle bit of a Venn Diagram sort of thing. That little space that always made me want to throw things.
That’s how I feel. I’m pretty okay with being nonbinary most days now. I’m okay with sometimes wanting a trouser snake. I don’t feel like I can talk about it a whole lot outside of the internet because I’ve been ridiculed and told that I’m looking for attention when I say things like that. It’s beyond being a tomboy. It’s beyond not being feminine. It’s just how I am. I can’t change that, just like I can’t change being a homosexual or an Autistic person. It’s just there.
And I have no idea how to convey that without sounding like a moron. It’s something I really feel like Charon and I need to discuss. Because I’m not okay with being gay sometimes, either. Since I’m seeing her on Wednesday and that’s not our regularly scheduled day, I’m considering it an auxiliary day and so we talk about this extra issue that popped up and not our normal Monday chat. Because this is important to me that I talk to her. Or she’s going to just continue being a bitch about this whole issue with clothes.
And I hate feeling animosity towards her because I actually like her. In a strictly non-sexual way. For the record. (And it sucks that I feel like I have to put that disclaimer every time I mention I like someone that happens to have a vagina. Bloody flapjacking dice, it’s insane.)
-The Sarcastic Autist