Konbanwa, tomodachi! Oh man, have I been procrastinating today. I haven’t even glanced at the homework for group that’s due tomorrow. I was depressed and then I just didn’t want to do it. I didn’t do the homework for Charon either, but that was because I didn’t understand it and I got distracted and I didn’t want to. I’ll admit, a huge part in me not doing any of my homework was because I didn’t want to.
I did a typing speed test and got 67 words per minute. I think I would have done faster if I had done words that made sense in sentences rather than random words. I just wanted to share that because I got what equates a B+. Go me.
I did a lot of worrying today about talking to Charon tomorrow. I’m a bit worried that I booked myself too much and I don’t really like seeing her outside the normal hours and locations. It bothers me. It is kind of like when you see a teacher outside of school. It’s a shock. But I told myself that I need to pull an Elsa and just chill out. (For the record, I’ve been listening to a LOT of Disney songs lately, especially Frozen, Tangled and Mulan. Those are my favourite ones.)
I thought about what I’m feeling about the whole gender situation. I found that reading the meaning of the words for the emotions help me to do a nice flow chart sort of conclusion making thing. Okay. To put that in a better way, I have a lot of the actual definitions of emotion names memorized. What I do is I narrow down the core emotion (ie anger, happy, fear) and sort of go down from there.
I knew I was scared. So I thought that I was maybe anxious. No, that didn’t quite fit in well enough with the definition and what my thoughts were. Nervousness? Close enough. So I’m not anxious, but I am nervous. I may become anxious tomorrow, but I’m not anxious right now. I’m more nervous because I don’t want to be labelled attention seeking or weird or a freak.
So I also problem solved. Is this a Drop Bear? Is my fretting about Charon’s reaction something that is a genuine issue that I can do something about? What are my options?
Well, I could keep not talking about it, like I keep not talking about my many past sexual assaults or my past abuse issues. I can keep pretending that it isn’t something that bothers me. I can keep ignoring it and pretending that it isn’t something that affects me and fills me with feelings of shame and sadness and despair and self-loathing. Because clearly this is something I should just get over and it’s totally something I can control, just like my attraction towards females. (That last sentence was sarcasm, for the record.)
I think this is sort of like Schrodinger’s Drop Bear. It is and it isn’t a problem that actually exists. It is a problem because this is still a relatively new revelation that I’ve had. It still bothers me and I want to work through all the seemingly random emotions that I’m feeling towards being nonbinary. It isn’t a problem because Charon hasn’t gone out and said she hates me or thinks I’m weird or stupid. It’s not a problem because it doesn’t matter what gender I am or am not. (Schrodinger’s Gender)
Anyway, I am in a bit of a silly mood today. It’s probably because of all the Disney songs I’ve been singing along to.
I also need to get off the computer and go to bed soon because tomorrow is going to be a long day for me. I just wanted to give a bit of an update to all you good people.
Thank you and have a wonderful night.
-The Sarcastic Autist